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Author Topic: The Lost and the Finding
Pyraxis
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quote:
REVISION 1

When Hsien stopped running, the world was as strange as the chaos from which she fled. Her bare feet jarred on ground hard and flat as pitch. The air stung her eyes and each breath seared her lungs like bonfire smoke. No one spoke to her, and just as well. The chatter of nearby people sounded as garbled as when Hsobi had tried to call her back—if it was Hsobi and not some demon that had taken on her form.
She turned to dive back into the safety of the unknown, but instead stumbled into a wall. It was cold and unnaturally flat; the people streaming past were dressed in dull colors with no familiar words woven into anything. She rubbed burning eyes. Finally she spotted something familiar—a tree, rising tall into the grey sky. Between her and the tree, a


quote:
ORIGINAL

When she stopped running, the world was as strange as the place she fled from. The ground was hard and the air caught in her lungs like bonfire smoke. It choked her, blinded her so her steps faltered. No one spoke to her, and just as well: their words sounded as garbled as when Hsobi had tried to call her back—if it was Hsobi and not some demon that had taken on her form.
She turned to run the way she had come and saw only the unnaturally flat ground and murmuring people; they were dressed in dull clothing with no words woven into anything. She backed against a wall and found it as hard and cold as the ground. Finally she saw something familiar—a tree, rising tall into the grey sky. Between her and the tree, a


Looking for first-13 crits. We'd love to get readers for the 2500 word story if anyone's interested.

[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 29, 2008).]


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Devnal
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Sorry, don't have time to go over the first 13 in detail. I like to do a read through like I was reading a book and just get the feel for it first. Here are a couple things I picked up while doing this.

I don't know the characters name. It's a bit confusing. If this is a prologue to the story i can see keeping her name unknown if it's to be revealed later as a shocker or something.

I actually find the whole scene confusing and wasn't sure why at first, then relized that I couldnt associate the scene setting with anything I know. My clues are the ground is hard the air burns the lungs, the natives speak a foreign language, there is a wall and a tree. I feel as if im getting only bits and pieces of a scene; is she in a town, a market (all the people)?

It seems unreasonable she would run back "the way she came" after running from it. We also don't get to know where she came from, but to me it hints at a portal from another world(?).

I think your trying to achieve a sense of mystery and to portray the characters own confusion, but in turn I am having to do too much guessing to fill in parts that are missing


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Pyraxis
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Hey Devnal - no problem about the detail. I didn't mean that I only wanted line-by-line crits. What you said was just as helpful.
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C L Lynn
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Pyraxis, I have to agree with Devnal about some points. You've got several good opportunities to drop in names and more concrete imagery that will clear up the vagueness of the opening. However, the energy of the sentences is provocative, the mystery and tension and hints of demons and danger draw me in. I'd love to critique the whole story. Send it anytime. What's the average return time for critiques around here?

[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited May 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited May 28, 2008).]


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Bent Tree
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quote:
When she stopped running, the world was as strange as the place she fled from[The place from which she fled]. The ground was hard and the air caught[better verb? This sentence seemed wordy/ could be more concise] in her lungs like bonfire smoke. It choked her, blinded her so her steps faltered[This seems to be begging the cause. The last subject was air. How did it blind her?. No one spoke to her[I wasn't aware that anyone was near her. Where did she stop running?], and just as well: their words sounded as garbled[Are they speaking to each other and not her?] as when Hsobi had tried to call her back—if it was Hsobi and not some demon that had taken on her form.
She turned to run the way she had come and saw only the unnaturally flat ground and murmuring people; they were dressed in dull clothing with no words woven into anything[???]. She backed against a wall[Where did the wall come from? She stopped running, then turned the way she came then backed into a wall?] and found it as hard and cold as the ground. Finally she saw something familiar—a tree, rising tall into the grey sky. Between her and the tree, a


There seems to be far too much going on here. I like the premise, but I would like to see it slowed down and described alot more.

I have a hard time understanding the logic of starting the story with someone comming to a halt from running. There must be something very real and menacing on some level for someone to run themselves to the verge of collapse. If the story starts here, you can't withold the details, because those thoughts will be dancing through the POV characters mind.

quote:
the place she fled from

this would then become... the dark confines of her demented captor... or a festival where everyone seemed happy...a little too happy! or whatever the case may be. This is a very important piece to the depth of POV, and would serve to make a more luring hook.

quote:
The ground was hard and the air caught in her lungs like bonfire smoke. It choked her, blinded her so her steps faltered


Each labored breath seared her lungs like bonfire smoke, and each faltered step pounded the hard ground, throbbing up her spine.

[This message has been edited by Ignorant coder(edited May 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 28, 2008).]


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annepin
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<who is "Ignorant Coder"? Why and what is he/ she editing?>

I'm not drawn in by this. Starting with someone running feels cliche to me and the act itself isn't enough to draw me in to a story. As BentTree said, you've got a lot of stuff going on here, and you're implying change (i.e. she's running around assessing how different everything is) yet I can't quite follow or sympathize with her because I have no points of reference. You've dropped a few hints of her situation, but I'm left more confused than curious. I suggest backing up a little and starting the story sooner. My best guess here is that she's been abducted into the future.

When she stopped running, the world was as strange as the place she fled from. Okay, so she's gone from point A to point B. Not knowing where or what point A was, this reference doesn't make a lot of sense to me. The ground was hard and the air caught in her lungs like bonfire smoke by adding the modifier "bonfire" you're implying this kind of smoke is somehow different than regular ol' smoke. Why?. It choked her, blinded her so her steps faltered Okay, what's actually choking and blinding her? The smoke was figurative, I thought. Is the air choking and blinding her? The ground? Neither of those options makes sense. No one spoke to her Confusing--so she ran from one place to another and there are people around?, and just as well: their words sounded as garbled as when Hsobi had tried to call her back—if it was Hsobi and not some demon that had taken on her form Okay, this bit caught my interest.
She turned to run the way she had come and saw only the unnaturally flat ground Not sure what to make of "unnaturally flat"and murmuring people; they were dressed in dull clothing I'm not sure what to make of "dull". It stands out since it's an unusual word to describe clothing. Do you mean dull as in uninteresting, or dull as in faded and not bright? with no words woven into anything. She backed against a wall Okay, where did this wall come from? I pictured her outside, figuring it was the only place she could run for a ways. and found it as hard and cold as the ground. Finally Don't get why it's "finally". A tree would stand out.she saw something familiar—a tree, rising tall into the grey sky So wait, we are outside?. Between her and the tree, a

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 29, 2008).]


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Bent Tree
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quote:
<who is "Ignorant Coder"? Why and what is he/ she editing?>

I was trying to make jest about my inability to code correctly the first time... or second time. For some reason I thought putting the letter U in [] would underline text.


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Crystal Stevens
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Maybe it's just me, but I didn't like how often the word "as" was used throughout. Could the wording be changed to omit some of them? Just a thought.
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annepin
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quote:
I was trying to make jest about my inability to code correctly the first time... or second time. For some reason I thought putting the letter U in [] would underline text.

Heh! I'm the suspicious type. I see conspiracies in menus!

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Pyraxis
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C L Lynn, BentTree, annepin, thanks for all the awesome crits. I've posted a new revision. Does it clear up any of the confusion?

Crystal, I see what you mean about the "as". I managed to get rid of a couple but it probably still needs more.


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C L Lynn
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Pyraxis, vast improvements on the detail. I can see and feel it quite a bit better. "Diving into the unknown" is still a bit vague. Why is it unknown? What is unknown? The street, buildings look unfamiliar so she hides under something, perhaps?
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Bent Tree
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Now you owe me four cents


quote:
When Hsien stopped running, the world was[Seemed?] as strange as the chaos from which she fled. Her bare feet jarred on ground hard and flat as pitch.[I thought she had stopped running.] The air stung her eyes and each breath seared her lungs like bonfire smoke. No one spoke to her, and just as well. The chatter of nearby people sounded as garbled as when Hsobi had tried to call her back—if it was Hsobi and not some demon that had taken on her form.
She turned to dive back into the safety of the unknown, but instead stumbled into a wall. It was cold and unnaturally flat; the people streaming past were dressed in dull colors with no familiar words woven into anything. She rubbed burning eyes. Finally she spotted something familiar—a tree, rising tall into the grey sky. Between her and the tree, a

I think the writing is alot clearer, but I still have no idea about the scene or what exactly is happening.

Here would be the goals I recomend;

Begin with her running and what she is running from.

Tell us where she is.

That is about all their is room for in the first thirteen.

What she is running from will be a hook, and where she is, if conveyed clearly will extend that interest.

Hope this helps.


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Devnal
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This new post makes a WORLD of difference. The flow is better and I wasn't tripping over th paragraph trying to piece it together.

My Take

---

When Hsien stopped running, the world was as strange as the chaos from which she fled. It feels like the second part of this sentence is detached; i would blend it "The world Hsien entered was as strange as the one she had fled"Her bare feet jarred on ground hard and flat as pitch i suggest "her bare feet jarred at the transition from ___ to hard flat ground" the fact that her feet jarred i would think implies a change in the terrain, as hard ground in of itself is not uncommon . The air stung her eyes and each breath seared her lungs like bonfire smoke. No one spoke to her, and just as well. The chatter of nearby people sounded as garbled as when Hsobi had tried to call her back—if it was Hsobi and not some demon that had taken on her form.
She turned to dive back into the safety of the unknown, but instead stumbled into a wall. It was cold and unnaturally flat as a reader i don't associate flat walls as being unnatural- unnatural because it is an environmentally created wall e.g. rock wall, or is this just a section of flat, smooth wall in an otherwise pored or engraved wall; the people streaming past were dressed in dull colors with no familiar words woven into anything woven into anything - i think you might be trying to get too colourful with describing the fact that she can't understand them and we're past that point by now. it also hints at their speech being woven into their clothing.. She rubbed burning eyes. Finally she spotted something familiar—a tree, rising tall into the grey sky. Between her and the tree, a

on a quick note, I also think some of your sentences need to be moved and maybe some paragraphing done. put the burning air sentences together, the stumbing and flat walls together, and the descriptions of the folk and their speech instead of intermingling it and I think you will have an even BETTER beginning!

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited May 29, 2008).]


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Merlion-Emrys
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Send the whole business to me.
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Pyraxis
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It's in the post. Thanks, Merlion-Emrys.

*pushes a couple steaming, fresh-baked brownies your direction*


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