posted
Would like any kind of input on this opening.
quote:The awareness came early for Mikah Deveraux. When their children reached puberty, guidance was traditionally provided through one of the Trivium Counsels, preparing them for the painful event. But the voices, the images, the agonizing sensitivity, Mikah felt their presence at the innocent age of eight. “Make it stop. Please…,” the boy lay in fetal position, clutching his head. Pain--like slashing knife blades--tore through his mind. He screamed in agony, his young body trembling with the effort to stay conscious. His mother’s initial reaction was disbelief, but looking into his eyes, she saw the swirling flames that betrayed his condition.
Edited a second time because I couldn't remember what I was changing the first time. [This message has been edited by stammsp (edited June 12, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited June 12, 2008).]
posted
The awareness came early for Mikah Deveraux. When [their - cut?] children reached puberty, guidance was traditionally provided through one of the Trivium Counsels [Is this a governing body or a person's title? A counsel is a person, a council is a group. I'm confused by "through" - I don't know whether to imagine an assigned tutor or a possession], preparing them for the painful event. But the voices, the images, the agonizing sensitivity[—]Mikah felt their presence at the innocent age of eight. “Make it stop. Please…[cut comma]” [T]he boy lay in fetal position, clutching his head. Pain--like slashing knife blades[knife blades are overused as a pain descriptor]--tore through his mind. He screamed in agony, his young body trembling with the effort to stay conscious. [It's actually harder than it sounds to get knocked out from pain alone, unless you mean dissociation. There has to be physical damage to go with it.] His mother’s initial reaction was disbelief [of what? that he was really in pain? that awareness was the thing causing it? And wouldn't she first be alarmed or sympathetic?], but looking into his eyes, she saw the swirling flames that betrayed his condition.
I might keep reading. I'm curious about the setting, the world and background. All I have to go by are the names. Deveraux sounds French enough that I'm wondering about an Earth-derived setting. Trivium sounds Latin, and I don't know about Mikah, but it matches neither. I don't mind that it doesn't come in the first 13, but I want soon to know enough information to ground me in a place.
posted
I liked the premise. I was intrigued by it and would continue reading, but I was concerned with the POV. If it is your intention to be omni, it could resolve itself after reading a little more, I suppose. But when their is a shift in the intro, it leaves me questioning who the MC is going to be. It is likely to be Mikah, but the shift to the mother's POV makes me uncertain, especially with its placement in the last line. Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I am probably gonna get criticised for not being critical enough but this sounds excellent to me. I really felt the boy boys pain and all...and the concept and setting are very intriguing
I agree that the "their" can probably be dropped. Also "Lay in a or the" fetal position would be better
posted
Now, this is a taste thing, but too many names that seem unnecessary "world-literacy" introductions in fantasy make me back off. So your first two lines trip that switch, even though they aren't particularly strong perpetrators.
"The awareness came early for Mikah Deveraux." I would cut his last name. Does it matter here? I think it actually has stronger rhythm without it. "When their children reached puberty, guidance was traditionally provided through one of the Trivium Counsels, preparing them for the painful event." This is a bit convoluted grammatically. I think it would be just as effective if you said, "Guidance was traditionally given at puberty, preparing children for the painful event." and then a word of explanation of who gave it, or even a in the sentence, but with a following line describing what the Trivium Counsels are. I think it works without and bogs the line down a bit, though. And we have plenty of time to get acquainted with the counsels.
Getting straight to the child's anguish involves us in the real bit of world-building that matters--that each child goes through this time of pain, for some end we haven't discovered yet. Which is a drawing point. I want to know what that is, now.
quote: The awareness came early for Mikah Deveraux. [And?] When their children [Whose children?] reached puberty, guidance was traditionally provided through one of the Trivium Counsels, preparing them for the painful event [What painful event? Puberty?]. [Whose PoV?] But the voices, [the<--Cut.] images, [add and] the agonizing sensitivity, Mikah felt their presence at the innocent age of eight. [Huh? Wait, is this jumbled forMikah felt the voices, the sensitivity (thought this is ambiguous and raises instead of answers questions) and saw the images from the age of eight.? And, How old is Mikah now?] “Make it stop. Please…,” the boy lay in fetal position, clutching his head. Pain--like slashing knife blades--tore through his mind. He screamed [in agony<--Redundant, in light of the preceding.], his young body [Pov?] trembling with the effort to stay conscious. His mother’s initial reaction was disbelief[Telling...], but looking into his eyes[PoV?], she saw the swirling flames that betrayed his condition[Which is? I'm feeling, by now, you are going to skirt his "condition" until you feel it suitable to spring the surprise on me. Or, what's called intentional withholding; I feel it all through this piece. If it's worthy of writing about, write about it, not avoiding saying it. The plot's got to have more to it.].
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 16, 2008).]
Actually, I like having his full name in the first sentence. It’s the second sentence which – to me – seems out of place. Why not continue on with the description of what he’s going through and then bring out the counsels when you bring in his mother? That’s something she knows about and could either comment on aloud or in a bit of internalization.
The awareness came early for Mikah Deveraux. “Make it stop. Please…,” Mikah lay in fetal position, clutching his head. The voices, the images (expound on this perhaps), the agonizing sensitivity tore through his mind. He screamed in agony, his body trembling with the effort to stay conscious. His mother – [make this more a realtime scene?) she did what?
posted
I found the switch to "boy" in the fourth paragraph jarring. Why not continue to use his name? What was also jarring to me was being dumped into this intense scene in the fourth paragraph without any indication of it in the previous three paras, which are omniscient, which would be fine, except that it's sooo far removed from the intensity of the fourth paragraph, which almost made me think you were referring to another boy, whom Mikah was observing in this sort of disinterested manner. Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
A few comments: The opening reminded, on the whole, of Wild Seed, by Octavia Butler, with the "transition" thing. This could be a very good thing. Wild Seed kicked ass.
Now a few problems:
The names seem weird. Mikah feels almost Biblical, semitic in origin. The last name feels French. The Trivium Counsels remind me of that awful hardcore band.
"When their children" Whose children? The counsel's? Mikah's? Why does his mother disbelieve? Because he is young?
Also, you jump from POV to POV a bit much in the opening scene, so it becomes hard to connect with any given viewpoint.
posted
Very interesting, I agree with the POV thing, maybe stick to one person's reactions per paragraph at least. I'd be interested in reading the story though. Baited.
Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
I also liked this beginning paragraph, I would read on. I see how much a beginner I am when I read the replies. Because I liked the story line, I didn't spend time looking at the mechanics of the sentences, but I do have one thing to add, perhaps the first sentence, you wouldn't need "The".
"Awareness of the (name that thing) came early to Micah Cavenaux."
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