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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Moving Day (Working Title), SF, Unfinished

   
Author Topic: Moving Day (Working Title), SF, Unfinished
AWSullivan
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Just started this one. Any thoughts and comments are welcome. And, as always, readers for the final product.

quote:
Moving Day.

Ben looked around the small unadorned room, his home for the past four months. It had once been a storage pantry for a trendy Manhattan espresso bar. Now the empty shelves and debris covered floor were a reflection of the deserted streets and buildings outside.

He stepped out of the closet and walked out into the dining room. The floor was littered with tables and chairs, most of them broken. A tattered sofa sat against the wall.

Through the broken floor-to-ceiling windows Ben saw the shadows were growing long. The sun was going down, time to get ready.

Ben spent the next few minutes gathering his few belongings and the food stuffs that he had remaining into a worn, leather


~Anthony


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snapper
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I found that Ben being in a deserted Manhattan hookish enough (although I don't know why he isn't living in a trendy, comfortable apartment instead of a dusty storage room}. The problem I have with it (and this might be because it is only 13 lines) is that it isn't moving quick enough for me. I want something to happen instead of Ben checking out his surroundings. An explanation, some actions, a description of the city, something, I beg for it!

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 05, 2008).]


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AWSullivan
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It's coming! I promise!

The next paragraph gets you a good deal of information. You get a glimpse of the antagonist as well as the surroundings. I'll think about a way to bring a little more info forward once I'm done with the first draft.

~Anthony


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bluephoenix
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Hey Anthony, here are my thoughts .

Couple of punctuation nits first:

* 'Now the empty shelves and debris covered floor were a reflection of the deserted streets and buildings outside.' - needs something: 'debris-covered', or 'and the debris that covered' (or 'and the debris covering')
* 'The sun was going down, time to get ready' - comma splice.

I don't think that something needs to 'happen', necessarily, but I do need more of a hook. Currently, I have a person in a room building of rubbish. Broken chairs and tables, and an old sofa. You've set the scene nicely, and implied a little backstory, but if you're going to start like this, I need something extra to get me interested. Maybe choose some slightly more interesting bits of rubbish to mention, etc.

I think you had it right in the first paragraph - pithy description of closed-down espresso bar (and main character's recent past hinted at); broken windows and scattered debris set against the disrepair outside - it all fits delicately together to give us a nice, detailed scene. But then it gets lost, somehow. Suddenly I'm just reading about some broken chairs in a room.

I suppose it could just be a bit too bleak.

Anyway, that's what I thought. I think I'd still read on, but things would have to pick up very soon.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.


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AWSullivan
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Thanks for reading blue. I think you might have a good point. The broken chairs and tables don't really add a great deal to the scene. I think the reader could probably put that together since they know the coffee shop is abandoned.

I like where this one is going. I suspect it will be a quick write.

~Anthony


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bluephoenix
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Np .

Forgot to say, re. broken chairs etc, that I would keep the tattered sofa sat against the wall - I think it's an effective image, and fits in nicely with the rest of it. But yes, the broken tables and chairs could, if not be safely cut, at least be described in an interesting way. I guess the important question is why have you highlighted those, specifically, instead of some of the other bits and bobs in the room?

I'd like to see how this ends up, if you're sending it out when it's done and want my input - stuff like this (where the writer just has a good feeling about it) is always, in my experience, worth a look.

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited November 02, 2008).]


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Nick T
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Hi,

I actually think the first two paragraphs work nicely as scene setting. I'd probably tidy the paragraph after that though...is it essentially to know that the sun is setting, etc.? That minor nit is probably my conditioning from Hatrack to expect a blatant hook in the first thirteen though, your prose has been very good from the last few samples I've seen.

Regards,

Nick


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ereitman
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Looks like the kind of story I'd like--I'm thinking "I am Legend" or some other zombie tale--so I would probably read on, but the absence of a "blatant hook" does leave me a little worried. My thought at the end of the selection was: "I hope this isn't going to be one of these cerebral reflection tales that are 90% backstory."

WRT writing style, I found the repetition of "out" and "few" in these sentences to be jaring.

"He stepped OUT of the closet and walked OUT into...."

"Ben spent the next FEW minutes gathering his FEW belongings...."


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philocinemas
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I liked it. It also made me think about I Am Legend with the comment about the "sun going down". I kind of get tired of zombie stories, so I'm hoping it's not that (no offense meant if it's a zombie story). I'd agree with ereitman about the repetitive words. I'd continue reading.
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AWSullivan
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Not a zombie story, thankfully.

Thanks for reading.

~Anthony


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