posted
Rags hated him now. That was devastating news to Winny, but not surprising. Rags lay on the foot of Winny's bed showing her teeth and hissing whenever he drew near her. For the past week, ever since his shape--shifting gift manifested, every animal hated him. Nightshadow threw a shoe. Winny had to go ask Giles the smithy to come and pick her up. She had tried to bite and kick him. A rabid wolf entered the village the next day and went straight to the doorstep of the cottage Bama Greta and Winny shared. Luckily a guardsman dispatched it before anyone was hurt. Dogs knew when Winny was outside the cottage, and went out of their way to nip him. And now, his best friend, Rags, hated him.
quote: Rags hated him now. That was devastating news to Winny, but not surprising. Rags lay on the foot of Winny's bed showing her teeth and hissing whenever he drew near her. For the past week, ever since his shape--shifting gift manifested, every animal he crossed paths with hated him. Winny had been the darling of the village a week ago. He had averted a war and played Cupidos, getting his prince and the princess of Redrings together. And now, his best friend, Rags, hated him. They had been friends for three years. Winny thought back to the day they had met in the Elvenwood.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 09, 2008).]
posted
For me the interesting part of this opening and the major hook is slipped in almost surreptitiously. This guy has just become a shape-shifter?? Wow, and it's only just manifested itself? Nice hook! And yet what is he bothered about? Animals hating him? I love my dog to bits, but if I suddenly became a shape-shifter I don't think him taking against me or the local mutts coming round for a nip of my leg would be my biggest concerns.
Nightshadow threw a shoe. Winny had to go ask Giles the smithy to come and pick her up. She had tried to bite and kick him. On reflection I suppose it's obvious, but on the first read I had no idea Nightshadow was a horse and just had some vague picture of an old woman taking off a shoe and lobbing it at him. Also, would the smithy need to come and pick her up? Wouldn't the MC just take the horse there? And the "him" in that last sentence refers to the smithy, but I think you mean she tried to bite Winny.
So I think you have a good hook here, it's just hidden away in a bit of a laundry list...as a reader I'm not too interested in which animals have suddenly taken a dislike to Winny. I'm interested in how he shape-shifts, what he changes into, how he feels about it, is it common in this world, did he know he was going to become a shape shifter, does this Bama Greta know...all just questions off the top of my head which would make me want to read on.
posted
HI monstewer ! thanks for your crit...your points are well taken..This is actually the 2nd story in a series... the first one is the other I posted and is about the first time the gift manifested. This one is actually a submittal for Cat Tales...so I concentrate more on the cat and how she helps Winny to learn to use his gift. None the less, I had the same feelings about the first 13 you did and have worked to adjust it a bit to lead into the story better. Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
In the first version, there did seem to be a lot of names in the opening lines that left my head spinning a bit. So the second version is much better. The fourth sentence definitely sparks my interest, so I'd keep reading.
But I have a concern with "Winny thought back to the day they had met in the Elvenwood." Is this about to open a flashback already? Is the flashback absolutely necessary to what is coming up, or is it back-story that would only serve to draw out word count and bog down the reader? Personally, I don't have a problem with flashbacks this early in the game if they're integral to what's happening in the story's present. But I suppose it's a balancing act to avoid drowning the reader in detail, history, etc. before the characters and conflict are well established. Perhaps I'm overly cusious, but I'd also keep reading to see if this problem is actually what develops in the next few lines. If so, I'd probably put down the manuscript. Unless the back-story is outstanding in both execution and subject matter.
A side note, concerning the first version: I was under the impression that "smithy" is the place where a smith works. I'll check my dictionary.
posted
Hi CL Lynn thanks for your time..I am doing a bit of balancing...this is the second short story in a series, and I am trying to see if I can make them stand alone stories ...so I don't have to tell too much of the first to have the second make sense. My hope is to develop them in a way that the reader can enjoy the first and say wow I gotta get a hold of that second one and vice versa ..could be tough.... at some point I will ask for folks to read each and see if I pulled it off. That's what the flashback is about...the second story intros the cat which is integral to this story (trying for a submission to Cat Tales also as I mentioned earlier) as a side note I suppose I could have made Giles a farrier but I think the smithy/farrier role is a dual established thing in some fantasy settings since they both heat up iron and work them.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 09, 2008).]
posted
I totally understand your dilemma. I just posted a story that is the first of a planned series. I'd like the stories to stand alone, but I plan to present them all together. Thing is, the series won't be told in chronological order, so I too have to decide what back-story and how much is critical, and what can be sacrificed until the later stories and how much will appear in the interstitial fragments that will hold all the rest together. Oh, boy. Juggling. When the time comes, I will also need dedicated readers to see if I've managed to keep all the balls in the air or dropped them one by one. I guess, at that time, I'll have to post in the novels section though. Hmm...
Good luck! And count me in when you're ready for a reader.
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..could be tough.... at some point I will ask for folks to read each and see if I pulled it off. That's what the flashback is about...the second story intros the cat which is integral to this story (trying for a submission to Cat Tales also as I mentioned earlier) as a side note I suppose I could have made Giles a farrier but I think the smithy/farrier role is a dual established thing in some fantasy settings since they both heat up iron and work them.
