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Author Topic: Unit 7
Rosalie005
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I wrote this yesterday, it's about 2500 words, a first draft and a little rough. But as always I'd love feedback on the first 13 and if anyone is interested in reading it, that would be awesome too.

“Where am I? What am I doing here?”
That was the first and only thought in Unit 7’s mind before she was switched off. There was no better way to describe it than that of a light switch. One moment she was aware and the next she felt different. A shell, an animated shell but emptier.
“The 66th batch is done. All unnecessary brain functions have been shut off. They are ready for shipping.”
Somewhere inside her brain Unit 7 knew they were talking about her. She knew something important had just happened and that somehow she wasn’t suppose to know that. Something had malfunctioned.
“Alright, move them out.”
Instantly she felt her body start to walk forward, moving as if

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 30, 2008).]


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ereitman
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(1) "There was no better way to describe it than that of a light switch." There's an incomplete thought in this sentence. More importantly, I think you could write something stronger. At worst, just describe it as she experienced it, not as she would describe experiencing it. I.e., "It was as if someone had thrown a light switch, plunging her world into darkness."

(2) "Somewhere inside her brain Unit 7 knew...." What does "somewhere inside her brain" add? Now somewhere inside her foot, that would be interesting! I think starting with "Unit 7 knew..." makes for a better sentence.

“Where am I? What am I doing here?”
That was the first and only thought in Unit 7’s mind before she was switched off. There was no better way to describe it than that of a light switch. One moment she was aware and the next she felt different. A shell, an animated shell but emptier.
“The 66th batch is done. All unnecessary brain functions have been shut off. They are ready for shipping.”
Somewhere inside her brain Unit 7 knew they were talking about her. She knew something important had just happened and that somehow she wasn’t suppose to know that. Something had malfunctioned.
“Alright, move them out.”
Instantly she felt her body start to walk forward, moving as if


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philocinemas
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Rosalie005, I'd be glad to take a look at your story. Just send it over.

Here are some thoughts on your first 13:

“Where am I? What am I doing here?”Consider using italics - a reader will first assume she is talking when you use quotes
That was the first and only thought in Unit 7’s mind before she was switched off. Was she turned on and then off immediately? - otherwise wouldn't it be her last thoughtThere was no better way to describe it than that of a light switch. One moment she was aware and the next she felt different. This is not decisive - she appears to still be aware - maybe use different words A shell, an animated shell but emptier.
“The 66th batch is done. All unnecessary brain functions have been shut off. They are ready for shipping.” OK - I kind of get it - partial brain function
Somewhere inside her brain Agree - unnecessary Unit 7 knew they were talking about her. She knew something important had just happened and that somehow she wasn’t suppose to know that. Something had malfunctioned.
“Alright, move them out.”
Instantly she felt her body start to walk forward, moving as if

I was never sure whether she was a cyborg (like Robocop or an android/robot)

I would continue reading.


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TaleSpinner
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I'm intrigued by the premise of a robot that's been shut off, but hasn't.

The POV is squarely inside Unit 7's brain and I would encourage you to truly get in there because as it's written, to my mind there are inconsistencies.

"That was the first and only thought in Unit 7’s mind before she was switched off. " How could that be? If she had been "on" for a while, she'd surely have thought about many things, and heard them saying other stuff. Where she was and what she was doing here must have been two amongst many thoughts. And, she seems to know about light switches, so she must know quite a lot about our world.

That said, I think the light switch is a poor analogy, for lights are either off or on, and she's suddenly switched from ... what, to what? --not from "on" to "off", certainly, although that may be what the technician who switched her off thought. What has changed? What awareness has she lost? Can she no longer see? Move? Feel? Lost an area of memory? She can still hear and think, it seems.

"Somewhere inside her brain ... something ... somehow ... Something had malfunctioned." Maybe too many "some" words, very unspecific. And what makes her think she's not supposed to know? Maybe they're just conserving power during transit from the factory to ... where ever she's going.

Finally, a nit: if this is the 66th batch she's hardly likely to be called Unit 7 -- unit 66-7, or 7066 maybe ... she's not Unit 007 is she?!

Hope this helps,
Pat


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Kee Stone
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I would say, like some of the others, cut back on the narratorial voice. Use a first person perspective to better get into Unit 7s' head.

I'm not sure that you have changed anything since Thursday, but I think there is a considerable amount of potential for this story. If you like, you can send it to me, but I may hash it to ribbons, so 'beware.'
but have fun

Kee Stone


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Rosalie005
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Thanks for the feedback. I'm reworked the story a little but it's still a little rough. The advice and suggestions help.
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