posted
Now that's much better. Winny was a forest stag. The shift took only a few seconds and had not been painful at all. Rags sat on a hummock nearby and watched interestedly. The spotted cat would normally consider a forest stag fair game, but she knew that Winny was the forest stag. Winny's clothes lay sprawled beneath his feet. After his first shift into a bear he had learned the hard way that wearing clothes as he shifted hurt both him and them. His mother's home had been his refuge for the last month, as he practiced shape—shifting. He was now able to shift to any of the fair—life on a thought. It was just as well he wasn't able to change to a troll or goblin. The foul—life didn't really appeal to him anyway.
quote: Back off Rags. Winny tossed his antlers at the spotted cat. Rags retreated to a hummock and watched to see what animal Winny would change to next. Rags had seen a bear ,fox, wolf, and raccoon this morning already. Forest stags were on Rag's regular menu so Winny didn't blame him for being interested. It was for that reason that he avoided changing into a hare or possum. Winny's clothes lay sprawled beneath his feet. After his first shift into a bear he had learned the hard way that wearing clothes as he shifted hurt both him and them. Winny decided to keep this form for now. It felt powerful and capable of covering the journey back to Dungfarrow with ease. He stamped his front hooves. I could do some damage with these too. His vision had sharpened. Minute details came into focus with more contrast from their background.
quote: Back off Rags. Winny shook his antlers at the spotted cat. He had been a bear,fox, wolf, and raccoon this morning already. Forest stags were a part of Rag's regular menu so Winny understood his interest. It was for that reason, he avoided changing into a hare or possum. Winny's clothes lay in tatters beneath his feet. After his first shift into a bear he had learned the hard way that wearing clothes as he shifted hurt both him and them. This form felt powerful and capable of covering the journey back to Dungfarrow with ease. He stamped his front hooves. I could do some real damage with these too. Minute details in the forest backgound came into sharp focus as he walked forward. A part of his mind struggled with his four-–legged stance and tried to push him up onto his back legs.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 12, 2008).]
posted
I'm still not really feeling what shape-shifting is really like. So he's a forest stag and yet I find it hard to really believe it--maybe just even one little detail will bring the scene to life, tell us how different things look when he's a stag, or maybe the smells of the forest are that much clearer, just something to make us believe that he has changed.
The shift took only a few seconds and had not been painful at all. Rather than tell us what it has not been, tell us what it has been. So it wasn't painful, I bet it's still a very strange experience to go through.
Rags sat on a hummock nearby and watched interestedly. I'm not as averse to adverbs as some but this one was weak and comes across as a little lazy, you definitely need something stronger there.
The spotted cat would normally consider a forest stag fair game, but she knew that Winny was the forest stag. That repetition of "forest stag" is a bit intrusive, I'd try rewording this to avoid the repetition.
It was just as well he wasn't able to change to a troll or goblin. The foul—life didn't really appeal to him anyway. Made me pause to wonder why he'd tried shifting into a goblin in the first place to find out that he couldn't become a foul-life.
I'm not really feeling much of a hook at the moment. You basically have a man who's turned into a stag standing around with a cat looking at him. I think you need more sense of a conflict to come to keep the reader interested enough to read on.
Hope this helps!
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited November 11, 2008).]
posted
Now that's much better. This is a strange first sentence. Or, it is a strange thought for anyone. I think if you developed your character better, you would have a better idea of what he would say in a situation like this.
I hate to agree with the crowd, but it really doesn't get my attention. Your 13 could do it, but it would take some work. You could have an action scene (those are always exciting) or a tragic scene. But it has to be special, or no one will ever want to read past the first paragraph (Not true in every scenario).
I think you initial idea is good, it just needs to be presented a different way. Good Luck! Kee Stone
posted
I like the revision. There's action and an interesting situation. The second sentance and third sounded a bit like the cat's POV.
You might make it clear that the clothes are in shreds at Winny's feet. Also, since this is Winny's POV, you don't have to say "Winny decided to keep this form for now." Something like "This form felt powerful . . ." is good enough. After all, you are about to show us that he's keeping the form so the telling us he made a decision isn't necessary.
Same thing with: "his vision had sharpened." The next sentance shows us this.
posted
Thanks, kings falcon...I always look forward to getting your insights....you say in a few words exactly what I need to hear to do a mind--shift in my pov and immerse into char . thanks again
Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
