posted
This is the story I had submitted for the Sudden Fiction Challenge. The story did very well, but my 13 didn't seem to hit the mark. I'm getting ready to begin submitting it again and wanted to know if the hook was better.
There is a second issue regarding this story. I had my wife mail it to Asimov's and somehow I got a rejection notice from Analog. Since questioning my wife's mail-accuracy is unwise, I wanted to know if this ever happened to anyone else and should I try resubmitting it to the Asimov's.
LATEST REVISION: Christine switched on the Voice Automated Response System in her hovercar. She felt a certain kinship with the VARS and longed for its company. A morose voice, like that of a depressed man with a severe head cold, spoke slowly and softly to her. “Hello, Christine.” “Good morning, VARS.” “I have a message from Mr. Platt.” “Would you play it, please?” Seldon Platt’s voice was wry, and it warped across the recording with a condescending sneer. “Hey, Hon, I just glided by the dealership this morning, and they’ve given me the best deal ever. There’s a new XR model out, and they’ll trade yours for only a five thousand-credit difference. I’ve already done
1ST REVISION: Christine switched over the Voice Activated Response System in her hovercar. She felt a kinship with the vehicle and enjoyed their talks. A morose voice, like that of a depressed man with a severe head cold, spoke slowly and softly to her. “Hello, Christine.” “Good morning, VARS.” “I have a message from Mr. Platt.” “Would you play it, please?” Seldon Platt’s voice was wry, and it warped across the recording with a condescending sneer. “Hey, Hon, I just glided by the dealership this morning, and they’ve given me the best deal ever. There’s a new XR model out, and they’re willing to trade for only a five thousand credit difference. I’ve already
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited November 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited November 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited November 15, 2008).]
posted
It's mostly fine, I think. I don't really see a hook but I'm a sucker for fancy hovercars!
The switching over the Voice Activated Response System is a bit clunky, I think. Switching over from what to what? (I switch the radio over from AM to FM.) If it's voice activated, why doesn't she just say "System on," or something? And--come on--women give things names. She'd surely call it Jeeves, or something. I like the idea of its morose voice.
posted
On the Asimov's/Analog thing, they're both at exactly the same address so either your wife or their mail sorting clerk has only to make one small mitsake and ... sorry, mistake and it all goes wrong. I'd send it to Asimov's--I doubt it's a resubmission since it appears they didn't get it.
Retro sci-fic with hovercars....cool. It’s a well-written start and I’d like to see where this goes.
I'll agree that the switch to VAR is clunky. Just let her talk to it and we'll get the idea of the technology easily enough. The morose voice is great.
With the large caveat of not having seen the rest of the story, I'm not sure that this is actually the right starting point. At this stage, all we know is that her husband’s a bit of a jerk and he’s brought a new car. Can you enter the story a little bit later? Maybe a logline (see main writing forum) might get you closer to the right point, it just seems to me that the set-up consists of information that is easy to tell the reader later in the story and you can get closer to the inciting incident that truly kicks the story off.
I’m not sure about the dialogue either…it does effectively establish that he’s very pleased with himself (very nice characterization), but there’s something about it giving me a mental block. It’s probably just me, but I don’t get the [b]wryness[\b] from what he’s said. The condescending bit comes across nice and strong though. Wry and condescencing is a hard combination to pull off.
The only thing I know about Analogue/Asminov's is that they are in the same office and it would be easy for someone to make a mistake.
regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited November 15, 2008).]
posted
My problem here is that the entire opening is a bit of a set up and nearly all of it is essential to the whole piece. I can make some adjustments, within sentences, but I am limited to how much I can change and still have the story make sense. I hate it when I do this to myself - everything I write has to be so daggone complicated!
Here was my original opening:
Christine switched over the Voice Activated Response System in her hovercar. Her husband, Seldon, had it set in a female’s tone, but Christine thought the voice was too flat and artificial and preferred more personality and human quality to it. A morose voice, like that of a depressed man with a severe head cold, spoke slowly and softly to her. “Hello, Christine.” “Good morning, Vars.” “I have a message from Mr. Platt.” “Would you play it, please?” Seldon Platt’s voice was wry, and it warped across the recording with a condescending sneer. “Hey, I just glided by the dealership this morning, and they’ve given me the best deal
Now the problem with this is that I've decided to not make them married for reasons that are detailed in the story, but they are together - the relationship is one-sided. The "switching" line is essential (an elaborate piece of word-play). I tried to justify it in this opening, but I also need to show the relationship she has with VARS to introduce her dilemma in the first 13.
If anyone would like to read it, just ask. I'm not really looking for critiques at this point - I believe it's ready - but feel free to put your two cents in if you'd like. My main goal at this point is to get the slush reader past the first page.
posted
Hm, I remember the hook for me was the unique relationship between the woman and the vehicle. So, to that end, I think you could play that up and make it more compelling. For instance:
quote: Christine switched over the Voice Activated Response System in her hovercar. She felt a kinship with the vehicle and enjoyed their talks. A morose voice, like that of a depressed man with a severe head cold, spoke slowly and softly to her.
The second sentence is a wasted line, in my opinion. You're narrating and telling when you could use that space to give us a more compelling detail. Rather than telling us she enjoyed their talks you could have her reflect on her relationship and then ache for the voice of the hovercar, something like that. You could suggest she'd sensed that her relationship with the hovercar was coming to an end soon, that she was sure her husband was ready for a change, that he was unhappy somehow, that he'd been seeking new thrills, that sort of thing.
My 2 cents.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 15, 2008).]
quote:There is a second issue regarding this story. I had my wife mail it to Asimov's and somehow I got a rejection notice from Analog. Since questioning my wife's mail-accuracy is unwise, I wanted to know if this ever happened to anyone else and should I try resubmitting it to the Asimov's.
I'd recommend one of two approaches:
1--resubmit to ASIMOV'S with the above information in the cover letter.
2--call the ANALOG editorial office and tell them what you've told us, and ask if they know what happened. Then resubmit to ASIMOV'S.
The editors of ASIMOV'S and ANALOG have repeatedly assured people that the submissions are kept separate, so your story should have only been seen by the ASIMOV'S office if it was addressed to ASIMOV'S.
I want to keep the narrative characterization I gave VARS, however, I have changed a few select words that should show more powerful emotions. I hope that will be enough.
I think this is the version I'm going with, but if anyone wishes to convince me otherwise, please do.
I only get one shot at Asimov's, and I'd hate for my trigger to fail.
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