Hope I'm not breaking any ettiquite by posting two things so soon, but for the other dohicky I only wanted advice on the first few lines. For this one, since I've pretty much finished the draft of the story, I'd really appreciate it if anyone could read through the whole thing.

quote:

---

"You'll never believe it!"

The wooden door slammed against the back of the wall. Dust blasted through the small room in the front of Hodgeson's shop, obscuring what little light I had to work with. Barnaby rushed up to me, bare feet slapping against the floor, his tongue pressed against the outside of his lip.

"It's a mechaman!" This was the day the stranger came to town. It was about a week before my thirteenth birthday, and even though I didn't see him myself, I heard all about it from Barn, who's a couple years younger than me.

Barn was leading Nell--our old dairy cow--back into town. He was taking her to the old gas station near the town's edge, but got distracted by a big ruckus from near the general store.

---

first 13 lines as they appeared TNR size 12 in the word doc.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000004.html

Hope this helps,
Pat

The writing seems fine to me, I can see the scene. And I like the title. My immediate reaction, though, was that I'd like to hear the story direct from Barn and not through an intermediary. For that reason, I'd not read on.

A nit: "mechaman" sounds like a fifties cliche to me, and if the story is going for a Golden Age feel, it will have to be good, methinks.

Hope this helps,
Pat

I do have to say, unless the main character gets in on the action pretty soon (like, in the next paragraph), I'd also give it a pass.

Otherwise the scene is lively and realistic, and seemingly true to the characterization of the first person narrative, which I unfortunately seemed to me, to detract from it in a way. The reason is that the narators train of thought seems somewhat unfocused.

For example:

quote:

---

Barn was leading Nell--our old dairy cow--back into town. He was taking her to the old gas station near the town's edge, but got distracted by a big ruckus from near the general store.

---

This line seemed to backtrack and didn't serve to forward the plot or add any dimension of interest or speculative elements to this passage.

Real estate is valuable in the first thirteen lines, so everything within it should be progressing the plot and generating interest.

I really liked the voice here, and I am sure that I would find your story highly readable, although this passage seemed a little mundane. I would punch it up a little to add more of a speculative event.

@Bent Tree: thanks, I could really use someone reading through it. I think the mechanics are pretty sound, so it shouldn't be too bad. The big qualms I have with it are the structure of the story, and the ending.

@ArachneWeave: Hehehe... up on your anime, but no comment on Tomino? Not that up, then.

---

I guess it's kind of hard to see how the story goes from here... but it's got kind of an odd structure (it began as a writing assignment) so there's a... good bit of exposition before the "action," and there really isn't a whole lot of action to speak of. Alternatively, I could re-arrange things and begin the story with one of the other (early) paragraphs:

quote:

---

A man was hobbling up the old road into town. The concrete road used to be flat and smooth, and it connected our town to other towns all over the country. Now, though, it's harder to walk across than normal ground. The cement is broken and jagged, parts of it thrust upward at weird angles that make it impossible to walk up without tying your eyes to your feet. It's a real mess. Barn said the man was walking real funny. Stiff, like a marionette, I suppose. The handful of adults present stood at the edge of the road--the last part that was still solid--talking excitedly to themselves as they watched the odd fellow shambling up the road. My brother's friend, Marcus, ran off to find the town Elder. Apparently he met up with my brother on the way, and they came back a few minutes

---

But then the narrative thrust of Barn's entry and "story" wouldn't really be as crucial, so maybe:

quote:

---

A man was hobbling up the old road into town. The road used to be a flat sheen of concrete, linking our town to towns all over the country. Now, though, the cement is broken and jagged--chunks of it thrust upward an treacherous angles, making passage all-but impossible.

Barn and I used to play near the old road when we were smaller, but Virgil--my brother--never let me go back after I fell, once, and tore open my leg. It was bloody.

The man, the stranger, was walking funny. Stiff, like a marionette, I suppose. He leaned into the wind and his whole body shivered with each step, yet he was navigating the broken road with frighting speed.

---