quote:

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Winny, wake up.
Mother? Winny sat up in his bed at Bama Greta's cottage. Where are you?
We are about a mile from your village. You need to alert the King. There's invaders not a day's march behind us.
OK, on my way. Winny rolled out of bed, pulled his nightshirt up over his shoulders, and reached for his jerkin. Wait...why am I doing this?
He remained naked, walked over to the window, and pushed open the shutters. Mother, who is attacking us?
The banners of Trassephon and Eldar Isle were in the forefront, Winny. They silenced our scouts before we could get a look at their numbers.

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quote:

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Winny, your village is going to be attacked.
What? Winny leaped up from his bed at Bama Greta's cottage.Mother Where are you?
We're a mile from your village. Trassephon and the Eldar Isle scouts are hard on our heels. Alert King Regnard.
Winny jumped up from bed, tore his nightshirt off, and grabbed his jerkin, then threw it aside, and ran to the window, throwing open the shutters with a crash.
He shrank inward upon himself, noting he looked more like gray porridge than a falcon, and threw himself out the window just as his wings caught the air in a powerful downbeat. His muscles strained as he flew as fast as he could for the keep. He flew over the ramparts and dropped down to the dining hall window and flew in.

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quote:

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Winny, you're under attack!
What? Winny leaped up from his bed at Bama Greta's cottage. Mother, Where are you?
We're a mile from the village. Trassephon and the Eldar Isle scouts are hard on our heels! Alert King Regnard.
Winny tore his nightshirt off, and grabbed his jerkin, then threw it aside. He ran to the window, throwing open the shutters with a crash.
He shrank as he shifted and threw himself out the window. He completed the change into a falcon just as his wings caught the air in a powerful downbeat. His muscles strained as he raced as fast as he could for the keep. He soared over the ramparts and dropped down to the dining hall window and flew in.

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Interesting start but a bit light on "place". Is Winny in a caravan? Boat? Horse-drawn cart? What'd he see out the window? Will it be secure if he leaves it with the window open?

I think just a little on what he perceives as he prepares to fly off would ground us in his milieu.

The village will soon come under attack Who by? How does she know this? Is there a war going on? I suppose this ties into TaleSpinners complaint about the lack of place. If his mother had told him she'd seen an army only a days march or so from the village, and if we knew what that army is likely to do when it gets to the village or if Winny knew somebody in that village, then it might pull the reader into the story straight away, both with a sense of place and a sense of urgency.

OK, on my way. Winny rolled out of bed and tugged off his nightshirt and grabbed for his clothes Again, no sense of urgency here. It's like his mother has just told him his toast is ready. This would be a good place for you to show his thoughts about this news, it would help involve the reader in the story.

He shape--shifted to a falcon and flew out the window Again, I know I always complain about this, but I'm not feeling these shape-shifts at all. I know it's part of a series, but it's not very likely in today's market that anybody will have read the others so I'd prefer the first shift to be more clearly described so the reader knows what it feels like to shape-shift.

I'm still missing the sense of urgency in the re-write. The "Why am I doing this" was also confusing. I thought he meant why was he warning the king, not why is he getting dressed.

The mother's voice is awfully calm for the situation. Try compressing the dialog and action a bit to get that sense of urgency. BTW - now I think you're over the 13 given how it just pasted into the box for me, but I'll let KDW decide that.

My take:

quote:

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Winny, wake up. not a real gripping first line. You already have a hurdle to overcome

Mother? Winny sat up "sat up" is calm. "Bolted" or something would be better to convey urgency. Right now it looks like his Mom's waking him up for school or someother mundane thing. If her mindspeaking to him is unusual he should react to that in his bed at Bama Greta's cottage. Where are you?

We are about a mile from your village. You need to alert the King. There's invaders not a day's march behind us. this is really calm sounding. It might be better if you forgot grammer for a second and clipped these thoughts - ie
"We're a mile from you with King X's forces less than a day's hard march behind us. Alert King Y."

OK, on my way. again, calm words. What happened to the oh S*** moment when he realizes he's in danger too?
Winny rolled out of bed, pulled his nightshirt up over his shoulders, and reached for his jerkin these actions/verbs are too calm and not consistent with the apparent danger. I'm waiting for him to yawn and stretch. Use stronger verbs - ex: bolted, yanked, grabbed

Wait...why am I doing this? you know I'm wondering that myself. Who is he and why should he and not some soldier be warning the king
He remained naked OH, was he talking about getting dressed with that last thought? Hu. The wording is strange but I understand, I think what you mean

, walked over to the window, and pushed open the shutters. Walked and pushed are more passive than they should be - "strode" "sprinted" and "threw back" are stronger, I'd love to hear the sound the shutters made when they hit the wall. Mother, who is attacking us?

The banners of Trassephon and Eldar Isle were in the forefront, Winny. They silenced our scouts before we could get a look at their numbers. again, short clipped sentance would work better for me

OK, it's fast bird time. that makes no sense. Don't tell me something that's inconceivable yet. Show me (which you do much better in the next line)

He shrank inward upon himself, noticing he looked more like gray gruel a what? than either halfer a what? or falcon okay, forget what I said, the boy has brains, I like him already sign me up. for a few seconds. The changes are no longer painful at least. Ah, there. <-- probably don't need that. He counted his wings and talons so how many does he have? Not clear in this version that he became a falcon and saw no vestigial remnants of halfer I don't have any clue what those remnants could be on him.

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If you could work it in here, it would create a stronger hook.

If I were you I'd reduce the mental conversation a tad--a lot of it that can happen as he flies. We just need to know that he has to go and tell someone something/do something in hurry.

The actual shift should be the focus...although it has to happen quick in the prose, as it would happen pretty quick in reality.

...He opened the window, and, even as he stepped back a few paces, he felt the prick of feathers forcing their way through his skin. He sprinted towards the square of night, his body shrinking with each step. As he leaped through the window, the night breeze ruffled the feathers on his face and he felt his wings bite into the air...

That sort of thing...

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 17, 2008).]

For me, the shape-shifting--despite the problems that others mentioned--was a big part of the hook; without, this is just another battle brewing. (Well, there is the hint of telepathy but it's been done so often that, by itself, it's not a hook for me.)

I'd suggest thinking about their dialogue style. Is it old fashioned ("not a day's march behind us") or modern ("OK")?

On a "managing the thread" note, please could you label the versions "version 1", "version 2" etc? It's hard for a newcomer to pick up the thread if one joins after several posts and revisions. (I scanned one of your other threads a while ago and since I could not decide which revision was which I passed on commenting.)

It might be better to say "his color was more like porridge than falcon's plumes."

While we might be well educated, until you tell us that you don't mean something literally, we'll take it that way because it could be.

Winny, your village is going to be attacked.
Still a little weak. Maybe: Winny, you're under attack!

What? Mother? Winny leaped up from his bed at Bama Greta's cottage. Where are you?
A little disjointed. Maybe: What? Winny leaped from his bed at Bama Greta's cottage. Mother, where are you?

We're a mile from your village. Trassephon and Eldar Isle scouts are hard on our heels. Alert King Regnard.
I want to put a 'the' before "Eldar Isle scouts". Could one of these sentences end in '!' ? Or perhaps something like: Winny heard the urgency in his mother's mindspeech. (But don't listen to me, it might not work.)

Winny jumped up from bed [again?], tore his nightshirt off, and grabbed his jerkin, then threw it aside, and ran to the window, throwing open the shutters with a crash.
More sentences. Shorter and quicker. Punch up the pacing.

"Flew" three times. Soared, raced,...

We're all pulling for you! I am intrigued.