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Author Topic: Lillith
Wusong101
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He called me Lilly. He even named the flowers I loved after me. I loved him, I craved his love, and he betrayed me. Adam betrayed me for another woman.

The creator created all creatures male and female, when He created man it was no different. Adam and I were created at the same time. I was born from dust, not from him. The Creator gave all of living creation a simple task, “be fruitful and multiply.” This is why I was created, the only reason we were created male and female.

Adam was the Creator’s favorite. The entire garden was created for him, the world was made to be Adam’s domain. He was given a single condition to his dominion, never to eat the fruit of that tree. The Tree of Knowledge, the Creator said that Adam would die if he ate from that tree.

The Creator asked Adam to name everything in his domain. One by one every creature came to Adam, seeking a name. Some of the animals suggested names for themselves, others tried to help him name other creatures. Some of the animals were very friendly and seemed to enjoy Adam’s company, staying close to him in the garden.


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Bent Tree
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quote:
creator created all creatures

This is a mouthful. Bit of a tongue twister.

Otherwise, i could find nothing wrong with the mechanics. I might turn the page to see where you were heading with this one although I would expect some more speculative events very soon.


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monstewer
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There's a bit more than 13 lines here.

I think the writing is good and the opening paragraph works well but then I think you need to follow it up with more about the relationship and the betrayal. That's your hook, but then you seem to lose a bit of focus with details which aren't all that interesting:

The creator created all creatures male and female as he's called "the creator" we would know this without you having to waste your second paragraph on it. Also, I think you're missing a capital there, as the next time he's referenced it is "Creator".

The Creator gave all of living creation a simple task, “be fruitful and multiply.” This is why I was created, the only reason we were created male and female Still in the important second paragraph here and this is nothing new to the reader. What's new and interesting is Lily herself and the betrayal. This sentence seems like nothing but filler when you should be luring the reader on following that nice hook in the opening paragraph.

The entire garden was created for him, the world was made to be Adam’s domain. He was given a single condition to his dominion, never to eat the fruit of that tree This is where I started to lose a bit of interest. There are plenty of retellings of biblical stories out there, you started with Lilly which was good, but this switch to Adam's story is telling the reader what they already know. And are they going to read on if they think they're going to be told a familiar story?

Stick with Lilly and you'll be fine, the writing is nice and clear


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