John "Ruby" Jackson knew everything about her, of course, before he started. Her name was Pippin LaRange, although her friends called her Pip.
She lived in New York, a wild child, in an abandoned building set near the bubble-train. The Bubb-El, he reminded himself. Don't want to look the stranger. Her parents had been dead for years, so he had little concern they would have apprised her of her heritage.
The way she lived was not unfamiliar to him; he'd had the luck of middle class birth, but he'd spent plenty of time slumming around while he was learning his trade. Certainly it did not arouse in Ruby J the type of judgment that many of New York society would make.

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited November 11, 2008).]

John "Ruby" Jackson knew everything about her, of course, before he started Here's an example. You might have a good hook and I can't really see what benefit you get from keeping it out of the first sentence. If you tell the reader what John is starting they might want to read on. As it is, there's no hook in this first sentence at all.

As for the rest, I have no idea who this Pip is, so I don't find a quick run-down of how she lives her life particularly interesting. Maybe if I knew who she was or why John is interested in her then I might find it a bit more gripping.

Good luck with it

my take:

quote:

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John "Ruby" Jackson is this really how he things of himself knew everything about her tell me her name here , of course this isn't necessary , before he started. Her name was Pippin LaRange, although if you tell me her name above, you can lose the first half of this sentance her friends called her Pip.
She lived in New York, a wild child, in an abandoned building set near the bubble-train. The Bubb-El, he reminded himself. Don't want to look the stranger. while this tells me a bit about him, it seems unnecessary here. He's focusing on her, and I want to know about her and what he's started.

Her parents had been dead for years died years ago , so he had little concern they would have apprised this is a bit formal - why not "so he didn't worry that they told her" of her heritage.
The way she lived was not unfamiliar to him now the setting would be appropriate. IMHO, cut this first sentance and put the Bubb L description here but as the train rumbling past ; he'd had the luck of middle class birth, but he'd spent plenty of time slumming around while he was learning his trade. Certainly it What? did not arouse in Ruby J I had to look back to see who this was. A 'he' would work as well here. If he thinks of himself as Ruby J use that in teh first line the type of judgment that many of New York society would make.

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There's a gentle hook that I'd like to follow but I'd like to know why he's there or have a hint about what's going to happen before the first 13 ends. Is there a reason you are flip flopping between very formal language and more casual language?

Also "Bubb-El" was great.

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited November 12, 2008).]

...set near the bubble-train. The Bubb-El, he reminded himself.
...set near the bubble-train, the Bubb-El.

John Percy knew everything about Pippen LaRange before his mission began. The Society of Remergents had seen to that. To abduct someone, to brainwash them until they bent to the will of the Remergents in all things, required careful planning, knowledge and skill. It also required a ruthless disregard for King George’s expressed wishes. Percy had been raised by the Colonel to be full of contempt for King George’s careful and diplomatic solution to the upheavals in the colonies a few decades ago.
Pippen – known to her friends as Pip, lived in New York, a wild child, in an abandoned building set near the bubble-train. The Bubb-El, Percy reminded himself. Don't want to look the stranger. Pip’s parents had been dead for years and she

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited November 14, 2008).]

Some nits: I think you could drop "in all things" because it's implied by "brainwashed" and the pace of that sentence might be faster. I wonder if you couldn't also drop the sentence "Percy had been raised ..." because it's a distraction from Pippen, who seems the main focus of the opening.

"Pippen – known to her friends as Pip – lived " would be better, methinks, to make the em-dashes work like parens.
I like the Bubb-El, Pip's full name and the idea of a New York with a King and would certainly read on--if you want readers please do send it over.

Oh, and, great title!

Hope this helps,
Pat

My take:

quote:

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John Percy knew everything about Pippen LaRange before his mission began. The Society of Remergents had seen to that. To abduct someone, to brainwash them until they bent to the will of the Remergents in all things, required careful planning, knowledge and skill. It also required a ruthless disregard for King George’s expressed wishes.

This could become "The Society of Remergents had ensured that John knew everything about Pippen LeRange before he was to abduct and reeducate her. Bending someone to the will of the Remergents required careful planning, knowledge, skill and a ruthless disregard for King George's wishes."

Percy had been raised by the Colonel to be full of contempt for King George’s careful and diplomatic solution to the upheavals in the colonies a few decades ago. This slows you down a bit. I'm more concerned about his kidnapping Pip than his past right this second

Pippen – known to her friends as Pip, lived in New York, a wild child, in an abandoned building set near the bubble-train. The Bubb-El, Percy reminded himself. Don't want to look the stranger. Pip’s parents had been dead for years and she

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Night and day for me the difference between the original and your latest opening. I think BoredCow's comment was directed at how the sentence talks about them knowing everything "long before her kidnapping", which could imply she has already been kidnapped. I like the way you have the sentence following that so all I would suggest changing is adding a word like "planned" or something to clarify the kidnapping. so "long before her planned kidnapping" or "long before he planned her kidnapping"

-W.

That said: adding the FOR you suggest would then address the (falsely) perceived view I thought you were referencing in your initial post. Och, me head is spinning now!

My e-mailed crit bounced--is your e-mail okay? I'll try a resend in any case ...

Cheers,
Pat

Error message received:

quote:

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Sorry, we were unable to deliver your message to the following address.

<debhoag@juno.com>:
Mail server for "juno.com" unreachable for too long

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You've let kibbitzers push you towards sounding like everything else. This is a problem you have to watch out for when you get advice.

I would NOT take seriously anybody who says that anything that happens in 13 lines is "too slow" or represents things being "held back".

quote:

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The Orange Faction had seen to it that John Percy knew everything they could find out about Pippen LaRange, long before her kidnapping.

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This sentence is my only stumbling block, and it seems like it's arranged strange. (The next sentence hooked me good. )

My suggestion is to break it down:

John Percy knew everything about Pippen LaRange, long before her kidnapping. The Orange Faction had given him a complete briefing.

Hope this helps.

quote:

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kibbitzers
One entry found.

Main Entry:
ki·bitz·er
Variant(s):
also kib·bitz·er
Function:
noun
Date:
1922

: one who looks on and often offers unwanted advice or comment <a kibitzer at a card game> ; broadly : one who offers opinions

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I like to learn new words, so thanks for thiks one, Linton.

"Kibbitzer" doesn't apply here, since the purpose of posting the first 13 is to receive advice. Perhaps you should read the FAQ--especially the bit about not getting into personal attacks.

When you've been around here for a while, you'll realize that Deb doesn't allow herself to get pushed around.

With all your vast experience which you so magnanimously share with us "kibbitzers", you'll surely know that giving advice in terms of generalities is almost always a mistake when discussing specifics. Deb asked the question, "Is this too slow" and for some of us "kibbitzers" it was. Deb doesn't have to take the advice she asked for, and often doesn't.

The pattern you mention is one us "kibbitzers" are well aware of. Deb has her own voice(s) and isn't descending to some norm of sounding like everyone else. Quite the opposite, in my humble opinion; she gets better with each story.

Did I stumbe into some sort of alternative perception zone here or something?