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Author Topic: Soaring in an Azure Sky flash first 13 sentences
honu
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ver 1...
quote:
Selinna abstractly watched the grubs live out their pathetic lives below her, weeding the oat fields, which when harvested, would provide a great deal of the daemon's fare, her rookery in particular.
The early morning sun glistened off the highly polished surface of her brandished spear. A reminder to those below that sloth and rebellion would be harshly dealt with. She allowed the thermal to carry her where it would, only adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it.
Hopefully the fiery aerial bombardment of Felorn with clay—filled pots of oil had driven home to the grubs that their place in the natural order was service to their betters. And to think...they call us daemons!

ver 2...

quote:
Selina flew watch duty over the grubs from Fahnasa Hive. She observed them living out their pathetic lives below her, weeding the oat fields. Soon it would be harvest and they would gather most of it for her rookery.
The early morning sun glistened off the highly polished head of her brandished spear. A reminder to those below that sloth and rebellion would be harshly dealt with.
She allowed the thermal to carry her where it would, only adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it. Hopefully, the fiery aerial bombardment of Felorn hive six years ago with clay—filled pots of oil had driven home to the grubs that their place in the natural order was service to their betters. And to think...they call us daemons!


ver3...
quote:
Selinna soared over the grubs from Fahnasa Hive. She observed them in contempt. They would go about their pathetic lives below her in servitude. Today, they were weeding the oat fields. In a few weeks they would gather in the harvest, most of which, would end up in her rookeries grainery.
The afternoon sun glistened off the highly polished head of her brandished spear, a reminder to those below that sloth and rebellion would be harshly dealt with.
She relaxed in the the rising heat of the thermal, created by the sunlight reflected off the golden grain fields, occasionally adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it.
Hopefully, the fiery destruction of Felorn hive six years ago


ver 4.....
quote:
Selinna soared over the toiling grubs from the Fahnasa Hive monitoring their progress as they weeded the oat fields. In a few weeks they would gather in the harvest, most of which, would end up in her rookery's grain storage.
The afternoon sun glittered off the highly polished head of her spear. She hadn't had to use it since the destruction of Felorn a year ago.
She relaxed in the the rising heat of the thermal, created by the sunlight reflected off the golden grain fields, occasionally adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it.
And to think...they call us daemons!
They are the ones that constantly challenge the terms of the treaty.


ver 5...
quote:
Selinna soared over the toiling grubs from the Fahnasa Hive. In a few weeks they would gather in the harvest, and she looked forward to shorter monitoring patrols.
The afternoon sun glittered off the highly polished head of her spear. She hoped the grubs would not give her reason to use it.
She relaxed in the rising heat of the thermal, enjoying the heat of the warm sun soaking into her flight muscles.
Activity near a storage barn gave her pause. A large rolling cart of wooden mechanics was being pushed out of the barn by several grubs. What new perversity was this? And to think...they call us daemons!
They are the ones that constantly challenge the terms of the treaty.


ver 6 ...
quote:

Selinna soared in the thermal, enjoying the heat of the warm sun soaking into her wings as she monitored the grubs working the fields below her.
A group of grubs pushed a wagon with some sort of wooden mechanics on it, out of a barn. What new perversity was this? And to think...they call us daemons!
They are the ones that constantly challenge the terms of the treaty.
Curiosity warred with her need to report this new breach of the treaty. She grew weary of spearing them for their creativeness.
That creativity had destroyed their mutual home world centuries before. They came to this one and established a new hierarchy that had worked for centuries under her sisters's rule.


[This message has been edited by honu (edited December 04, 2008).]


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tngcas
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I think I like where this story is going, but I developed an instant dislike for the main character here. If that is intentional then great, if not...

I kind of get the feeling that the "grubs" are displaced humans. Is that the case? If so, you might want to say so, it would give us something to relate or sympathize with since we don't with the main character.

[This message has been edited by tngcas (edited November 29, 2008).]


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honu
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Hi guys I could use some crit on if either of these versions work for you, and if so which....thanks
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Kee Stone
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honus 1st Version

Selinna abstractly watched the grubs live out their pathetic lives below her, weeding the oat fields, which when harvested, would provide a great deal of the daemon's fare, her rookery in particular.(This sentence is very awkward-too many comas-reorder your ideas, and don't use abstractly as the second word. Maybe later on, but not here. Just 'Selinna watched' is fine)

The early morning sun glistened off the highly polished surface of her brandished spear. (this is kind of confusing. Is the whole spear reflective, or just the tip? If the whole thing is reflective, would it not be better to just say the 'metallic surface' or something to that extent. It feel live you are dodging around the point.)

A reminder to those below that sloth and rebellion would be harshly dealt with. (awkward placement of a fragment-doesn't feel right-probably better to combine in with the sentence before with a coma)

She allowed the thermal to carry her where it would, only adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it. (what? where did thermal come from? It seems out of place to suddenly start her flying, when at first what I imagine is Selinna looking over a cliff edge. It probably should be told in the first sentence whether she is flying or not)

Hopefully the fiery aerial bombardment of Felorn with clay—filled pots of oil had driven home to the grubs that their place in the natural order was service to their betters. (very wordy-your other sentence is better in Version 2)

And to think...they call us daemons! (great ending, but it should somehow be distinguished apart from the rest of the paragraph.

Overall, it is a good idea, also good character. Like was previously mentioned, it is not an adorable character, but good nevertheless.

In your second version, the first three sentences are better, but a few of them are irrelevant. It sounds like an arrogant person, and if this story is to be described in her point of view, the sentence
'She observed them living out their pathetic lives below her, weeding the oat fields.
would better be said
'She observed them with the greatest scorn. They would go about their lives, weeding the oat fields, totally oblivious to...etc.'
Just a suggestion. I like your second version better, because the ideas are better explained, you just need to apply some creative simplification.

Hope this is helpful.

[This message has been edited by Kee Stone (edited December 01, 2008).]


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annepin
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Selina flew watch duty over the grubs from Fahnasa Hive. This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me. She flew over watch duty? She flew during watch duty?She observed them living out their pathetic lives below her, weeding the oat fields. Soon it would be harvest and they would gather most of it for her rookery.
The early morning sun glistened off the highly polished head of her brandished spear This sentence is oddly written. It doesn't sound like it's from her POV. It took me a moment to realize she was brandishing the spear. Why not something like, "She brandished the spear in her talons. The people below needed to remember that sloth and rebellion.... A reminder to those below that sloth and rebellion would be harshly dealt with.
She allowed the thermal to carry her where it would, only adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it. Hopefully, the fiery aerial bombardment of Felorn hive six years ago with clay—filled pots of oil had driven home to the grubs that their place in the natural order was service to their betters. And to think...they call us daemons!

I like that it's written in... a harpy? eagle? whatever's POV. However, I probably wouldn't read on. She's an oppressor and a slave-master. That would be okay, but I don't see any redeeming qualities in her.


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jayazman
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Just a question
quote:

clay—filled pots of oil


Does this mean the pots are made of oil and are filled with clay? I can't really see that as very probable.

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honu
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thanks, Kee Stone, annepin, and jayazman
1)...I tend to use abstractly...way to much anyway
2)...imagery....is what I am shooting for ....so both versions left to much to try to figure out.....
3)...it is intentional to start and end the story from the "bad" guys pov....first attempt at this....so we see if I can make it work
4)...oil--filled pots...is me writing in dyslexic style (minor dyslexia) thanks guys appreciate the comments!

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kings_falcon
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Honu, it's awfully had to switch POV in a short story. People are going to assume that this character is your MC.

My take:

quote:

Selinna soared over the grubs from the Fahnasa Hive. She observed them in contempt. <--- you don't need to tell me this. Let her attitude show it They would <-- you could abbreviate this, but that's a style issue. If this POV is formal, that's fine, if not you might want to change it go about their pathetic lives below her in servitude not sure you need "in servitude" since the second sentance after this tells me the same thing in a more specific way . Today don't need this word. she's watching them, so unless you give me a different time reference I'll assume it's still her present , they were weeding the oat fields. In a few weeks they would gather in the harvest, most of which, would end up in her rookeries rookery's grainery.

The afternoon sun glistened off the highly polished head of her brandished spear, a reminder to those below that sloth and rebellion would be harshly dealt with. "dealt with harshly." It's still pretty general. Give me the specifics - i.e. "would end thier lives thrashing on her spear"

She relaxed in the the rising heat of the thermal, created by the sunlight reflected off the golden grain fields, occasionally adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it. this sentance seemed out of place since it breaks her train of thought. Try moving it after the next one.
Hopefully Hopefully??? She doesn't seem overly worried about this fact given the spear sentance. "Hopefully" might not be the best word here , the fiery destruction of the Felorn hive six years ago had driven home to the grubs that their place in the natural order was service to their betters.
And to think...they call us daemons! not sure how this connects to her last thought. Of COURSE they think of you as a demon, you burned a whole hive.



I probably wouldn't read on. There's no hook for me even though I tend to like avian races. Maybe skip the musing and get to the action. Or if you switch POVs as you seem to indicate, just start with the "grub's" POV.

With a novel you have time for the reader to adjust to more than one POV. That's time is sorely missing in a short. Good luck.


[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 02, 2008).]


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honu
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thanks kings falcon as always I look forward to your take I will try another approach

[This message has been edited by honu (edited December 02, 2008).]


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alliedfive
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I like your names, and this is a cool setting/race.

My thoughts:

Selinna soared over the toiling grubs from the Fahnasa Hive monitoring their progress as they weeded the oat fields. I think you could cut everything after Fahnasa Hive unless the weeding itself is important to your story. It would read smoother for me that way

In a few weeks they would gather in the harvest, most of which, don't need this comma would end up in her rookery's grain storage. This feels like an info-dump. Maybe tell us how it makes her feel that she is getting the grain, or why that would pop into her head.

The afternoon sun glittered off the highly polished head of her spear. She hadn't had to use it since the destruction of Felorn a year ago. Again, cool detail, but it doesn't really matter. Maybe she's ashamed at the pristine condition of her weapon because for her people it means she is a coward or something? give us a reason to care about the spear.

She relaxed in the the double "the" rising heat of the thermal,I would make this a period, then start the next sentence with a "This time of day, the sunlight reflected..." created by the sunlight reflected off the golden grain fields, occasionally adjusting the cant of her wings to maintain her position in it. again though, detail without meaning. Does it make her feel content? Uncomfortable? etc.

And to think...they call us daemons! I like the fact that you've introduced some conflict here, but it doesn't really follow what came before. This sentence feels like it should come after a list of things the "grubs" did to earn a title like "daemons". Does that make sense?

They are the ones that constantly challenge the terms of the treaty. I sense that this is the conflict that drives your story, but I don't care about the character it affects. It doesn't matter to me if the treaty is challenged. What treaty? Does that make sense?

You have a lot of cool detail here, and I can tell you have an interesting world in mind. I think you could easily get a hook built here with some changes.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited December 02, 2008).]


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honu
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my word, alliedfive...fantastic points I keep reminding myself...parrot on shoulder....what is pov mc experiencing with her senses.....and still end up telling....grrrrrr, frustrating....thanks I will try again
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kings_falcon
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What we do here, this telling of stories, is hard work. Don't be frustrated. What matters most is you keep trying to hone the story to where it shines.

Version 5 is a vast improvement. I can (and probably always will because I always find ways to do this in my stuff) still tweak some of it, but now the POV is interesting and there's a soft hook that catches since it's not competing with a bunch of unnecessary (at the time) information.

My take - Version 5 and most of these are NITS:

quote:
Selinna soared over the toiling grubs from the Fahnasa Hive. In a few weeks they would gather in the harvest, and she looked forward to shorter monitoring patrols.
The afternoon sun glittered off the highly polished head of her spear. She hoped the grubs would not give her reason to use it. I'm not sure you need these two lines. Your new first two lines set up that she's on guard duty. If we need to know she's armed because the spear is going to be used shortly, you might want her to enjoy not just the heat of the sun but the way the light glints off the spear tip.


She relaxed in the rising heat of the thermal
"rising heat of the" might not be necessary and if you cut it you won't use 'heat" twice in the same sentance
, enjoying the heat of the warm sun soaking into her flight muscles this sounds odd. Wouldn't the heat soak into her wings and not the muscles under them? .
Activity <-- this is general, be specific near a storage barn gave her pause this is a bit passive feeling. If there's activity, it should catch her attention. How do you "pause" in mid-air? .

A large rolling cart of wooden mechanics was being pushed out of the barn by several grubs. What new perversity was this? And to think...they call us daemons! not sure you need a new paragraph here
They are the ones that constantly challenge the terms of the treaty.


Now the MC looks a bit more sympathetic i.e. some poor schlep on guard duty when the world changes and not a sneering slave master.

Really nice revision.


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honu
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Thanks again...kings falcon ..ver 6 eliminates the first two lines and reveals more of where the story is headed. btw my "flash" is now 4000 words long...I hope to end it under 5000 words so it's become a short story....rewriting the first 13 lines hasn't changed the plot or resolution....just made the mc a bit more credible....thanks again
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