Orville dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The two policemen sitting opposite him froze, mouths agape. Before they could react the intruder grabbed him by the arm and the scene disappeared to be replaced by utter darkness.
There was no ground beneath him, yet he had no sense that he was falling. He had a sense of forward motion -- that he was traveling -- but to where? Intense cold shocked every inch of skin, and his breath was sucked away. He thought soon he would black out from terror.
After a few seconds, there was a sudden pop in his ears as they emerged into a pulsating blue column of light.
[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 04, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 04, 2008).]
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[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 10, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 11, 2008).]
posted
I had trouble with the first line. Perhaps it was due to the nature of your verb," which upon first read I mistook for an adverb which threw off the dynamic of the sentences structure. You might consider rearanging it in a more active voice.
Maybe replace "The man" with the characters name; as this passage ishis POV. This would serve to make it more clear.
quote:The passage through the wormhole had been intensely cold
This line seemed to violate the POV. I seriously questioned that this man understood that he was indeed in or had traveled through a wormhole. Especially since in the previous line he mentioned "whatever it was".
Otherwise I was not particularly grabbed by this intro, as the momentum of the narrative seemed to be digressing rather than progressing.
You might reconsider starting point of this piece. Whenever the narrative begins digressing, I always look to the moment of encitement. Where the story actually begins. This will also serve to strengthen the voice.
Otherwise the general theme here was appealing, and I can see it becomming a great story with a little work.
posted
Thanks Bent Tree. It is a completed work of 2008 words. I can't believe I never noticed that POV problem before. I will definitely think on your suggestions. You have a good eye.
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posted
How about this version: Orville crouched in the dark corner whimpering, dressed in prison orange, shackled at the ankles and wrists. A flickering blue column of light emanated from a silver triangular platform. It cast dancing shadows on his sharply featured terror-ridden face. He was short of breath, and his wheezing filled the otherwise quiet room.
If only he had his inhaler. He had dropped it in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The intruder had grabbed him by the arm and they vanished together before the two stunned police officers escorting him to prison could react.
The jump through space, or wormhole like he had heard of in movies, had thrilled him. It had been intensely cold,
[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 01, 2008).]
posted
I'll give it a thorough look. Feel free to send it over. I should be able to have it back to you in a day or so.
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posted
...It cast dancing shadows on his sharply featured terror-ridden face...
This is a POV violation. How could he see his own face? Think of 3rd person POV as a parrot on your shoulder--it can see everything that you could see.
So, with the above in mind, it wouldn't seem like they vanished, as that would require a view of them before, and the cell after the vanishing occurred. From Orvilles POV it would seem as though the room vanished/changed.
Also half your intro is retrospective: it is looking backwards in time. Remain in the present--start earlier. Seems to me the jump is the hook--well, let's see it, feel it.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 01, 2008).]
He dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The intruder had grabbed him by the arm and they vanished together before the two stunned police officers escorting him to prison could react. The jump from the prison van to the platform had thrilled him. The passage through the wormhole had been intensely cold, and his breath had been sucked away as though they were in a vacuum. There was a sudden pop in his ears as they emerged into a blue column of light. He saw they were standing on a triangular silver platform.
At first, he had marveled at the technology that could accomplish teleportation. The euphoria he felt at being
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 01, 2008).]
He dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The intruder grabbed him by the arm and they vanished together before the two stunned police officers escorting him to prison could react. The jump from the prison van to the platform thrilled him. The passage through the wormhole was intensely cold, and he felt his breath sucked away like they were in a vacuum. There was a sudden pop in his ears when they emerged into a blue column of light. He saw they were standing on a triangular silver platform.
At first, he had marveled at the technology that could accomplish teleportation.
posted
This is the real version. I'm terribly sorry about the extra posts.
He dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The intruder grabbed him by the arm and they vanished together before the two stunned police officers escorting him to prison could react.
The passage through the wormhole was intensely cold, and he felt his breath sucked away as though they were in a vacuum. There was a sudden pop in his ears as they emerged into a blue column of light. He saw they were standing on a triangular silver platform.
At first, he had marveled at the technology that could accomplish teleportation. The euphoria he felt at being rescued, especially in such dramatic fashion, was short-lived.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 01, 2008).]
posted
Orville dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The intruder grabbed him by the arm and they vanished together before the two stunned police officers escorting him to prison could react.
The passage through the wormhole was intensely cold, and he felt his breath sucked away as though they were in a vacuum. There was a sudden pop in his ears as they emerged into a blue column of light. He saw they were standing on a triangular silver platform.
At first, he had marveled at the technology that could accomplish teleportation. The euphoria he felt at being rescued, especially in such dramatic fashion, was short-lived.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 01, 2008).]
posted
hi cosmic sea I find the story interesting but saying up front that it's a worm hole...sounds more like author intrusion or info dump unless you have his captor explain it...it comes across as narrator pov?....not sure of the terminology...but if your captive is going to be your MC he is only going to understand its a worm hole or a time traveling device or the drive--up window at McDonalds as that is revealed or explained to him ...I think
quote:The passage through the wormhole was intensely cold,
stopped me more than hooked me...also did the caped man dematerialize? or disappear?the first sounds like he came apart to me a bit though.... it's been used enough that it's probably all right...I would read more
[This message has been edited by honu (edited December 02, 2008).]
posted
You can edit your own posts by clicking on the pencil/paper icon above each post. It's the rightmost one of the three next to the post date and time.
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posted
Thanks Honu. I wondered about Orville's knowledge of the 'wormhole.' I will definitely consider your comments. Take care
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posted
....The intruder grabbed him by the arm and they vanished together before the two stunned police officers escorting him to prison could react.
They only vanish from the perspective of the police officers; this is therefore a POV violation. From the perspective of Orville, the police officers vanish, to be replaced by the column of blue light bit.
posted
My only problem was with the worm hole and the teleportation. Unless this guy had done something like this before, he wouldn't really know what it was. It also seems very detached to me, like someone is telling a story about what happened instead of living the story from the MC POV, you know what I mean?
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Orville dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The two policemen escorting Orville to prison, sat motionless, jaws hanging open, and had no time to react before the intruder grabbed their prisoner by the arm and vanished with him.
Orville was thrust into a limbo of utter darkness with no sense of ground beneath him, or that he was falling, or that any force supported him beside the grip of his rescuer's hand on his arm. Also, it was intensely cold, and he felt his breath sucked away as though they were in a vacuum. In a few seconds it was over then there was a sudden pop in his ears as they emerged into a blue column of light. He breathed again and
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 04, 2008).]
posted
Here's my take and it might shave off a few words to fit more in the 1st 13.
Orville dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The two policemen escorting Orville to prison, sat motionless, jaws hanging open. They had no time to react before the intruder grabbed Orville by the arm and the policeman vanished.
Orville hung motionless in utter darkness. His only sensation was the intense cold and the stranger's hand gripping his arm. He panicked as he felt his breath sucked away as though they were in a vacuum. In a few seconds it was over and they emerged into a blue column of light. He gasped for breath and wanted to kneel down and kiss the floor he felt so relieved to be back on solid ground. He looked down and saw he was standing on a triangular silver platform.
At first, he had marveled at the technology that could accomplish teleportation.<~I don't like this sentence but since I don't know where you are going with it I left it alone.
This is just an idea but I had fun with it. Use what you want (if anything).
[This message has been edited by jayazman (edited December 04, 2008).]
Orville dropped his inhaler in the police van when a masked man suddenly appeared out of thin air, scaring the crap out of him. The two policemen escorting him to prison, sat motionless, jaws hanging open. Before they could react the intruder grabbed their prisoner by the arm and vanished with him.
Orville was thrust into utter darkness with no sense of ground beneath him, or that he was falling, or that any force supported him beside the grip of his rescuer's hand on his arm. Intense cold shocked every inch of skin, and his breath was sucked away. He thought soon he would black out from terror.
After a few seconds, there was a sudden pop in his ears as they emerged into a pulsating blue column of light. He breathed again and was relieved to be aware of solid ground beneath his feet. He looked down and saw he was standing on a triangular silver platform.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 04, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 06, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by CosmicSea (edited December 10, 2008).]
posted
The basic premise here is interesting--the inhaler detail gives me a bit of a picture of the character, the situation he's in demands an explanation.
However. I need a bit more about what Orville's thinking in this situation to connect with him enough to go on. While I understand this is supposed to be action-packed, even one little like connecting me to his headspace would do.
The writing is also coming off as choppy to me, since the rhythm isn't changing: most of the sentences, or parts separated by breaths, are the same length. This reads unfluid to me, so I wouldn't go on as it is.
Hope you can fix it up, though, it sounds like fun!
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