posted
Not exactly sure if I want to leave this a flash or expand it a bit. Right now, its an 800 word flash from a Liberty Hall challenge. Comments on 13 and if anyone is interested in reading.
“Nathan,” she yelled up from the bottom of the stairs. “Turn down that damn music.” “Why does she yell at you like that?” Bobby said. “I don’t know, she just does. She doesn’t ever make me actually turn it down.” He shrugged. “I think it makes her feel like she’s doing something if she yells.” He walked over to the stereo and cranked it up a little bit more. “Have you told her yet?” Bobby picked at the loose sole on the bottom of his worn sneakers. He pulled the entire bottom back to the middle of his foot; when he let it go it made a satisfying smack. “Nah, not yet. She’s not going to believe me anyway.” Nathan turned back to his computer and looked down the sights of the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2008).]
posted
This is half dialog and I am not having an issue with the dialog. That's good.
quote:“Nathan,” she yelled up from the bottom of the stairs. “Turn down that damn music.”
Would like to know who 'she' is. Try his mom yelled
quote:“Why does she yell at you like that?” Bobby said.
an idea on who Bobby is and what he has to do with Nathan woulod be nice. Don't need much.
quote:“I don’t know, she just does. She doesn’t ever make me actually turn it down.” He shrugged. “I think it makes her feel like she’s doing something if she yells.”
Try moving 'He shrugged' in front of the dialog instead of the middle of it.
quote:He walked over to the stereo and cranked it up a little bit more.
Don't like 'little bit more'. Try cranked it up a bit
quote:“Have you told her yet?”
Does it need to be so encryptic? Maybe it does but it does not further your hook making us guess.
quote: Bobby picked at the loose sole on the bottom of his worn sneakers. He pulled the entire bottom back to the middle of his foot; when he let it go it made a satisfying smack.
I liked this.
The rest I will reserve comment on because I am not sure if it has anything to do with the the mystery or it's just a kid playing a video game.
The hook is slight. I would probably read on a bit but it better grab me in the next few lines.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 14, 2008).]
posted
OK, Thanks. I have a devil of a time with the hook! Hey, what about a challenge..LOL
I added a line in about Bobby, is this the right direction? Thanks bunches Leslie
How is this: “Nathan,” his mom yelled up from the bottom of the stairs. “Turn down that damn music.” “Is she yelling again?” Bobby said. His head poked through the window. He threw his jacket and backpack on the floor, then crawled inside. “Why does she do that?” He shrugged. “I don’t know, she just does. I think it makes her feel like she’s doing something if she yells.” He walked over to the stereo and cranked it up a bit. He looked over at his best friend. He had always known Bobby, and would now spend the next few months with him learning everything about battle that the game had not been able to teach. And after that? Bobby looked ready. “Have you told her you’re leaving?” Bobby picked at the loose
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited December 14, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2008).]
posted
If this is an 800 word flash, I can't see how you're going to get to the story before your words are ended. I think you're having a classic problem of creating a vignette, when flash needs a plot.
There's conflict, and an idea of the story, but is there going to be a resolution of some plot arc?
Printer-friendly view of this topic
