posted
Okay, I feel it's finished but realize that remains to be seen. This is a borderline SciFi/Fantasy and is approximately 5500 words. I'm mainly looking for readers instead of a crit since this is the third time I've posted this opening. See what you think:
Olna took his seat at the hardwood desk, and the Companion responded with a soft yellow glow. A casual observer might mistake the device for some odd-shaped lantern, never realizing its true importance. Olna let his concentration center on the Companion. The glow intensified but softened once he relaxed his thoughts. His eyes closed to let nothing in his mind exist but a vision of a world called Earth. A portal appeared above the Companion the instant he opened them that allowed him to view Earth without any of its inhabitants realizing his presence.
Many of New Bala’s resident Earthers would decline a chance to return home, but some would give anything to let family know they were safe. If only he could figure out a way to send messages, or even people, back through the portal to Earth.
posted
whats clearer let his concentration center or focused? just my own thingie but is probably ok as is it doesn't reach out and grab me atm ///but that could just be me
Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
Sorry, honu. I must've read your post wrong. I thought you weren't interested. I just sent you my story. Enjoy .
Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2008
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Sorry I'm late in getting back with you, but CL Lynn pointed out some major mistakes in my story that I never noticed. I'm planning on letting it rest for awhile and then see what I can do with it, because she is so right.
This is part of a private email that I sent to her that best sums up how I came about to write HIGH DIVER, but if you would still like to read it, let me know, and I'll send it to you:
I guess I should explain that this story is part of a novel I wrote about a blue dolphin that seems to be following a young couple around by the name of Pete & Christine Lucas. Chris knows nothing about Pete's secret, and an investigative reporter keeps hounding them to uncover the connection between Pete and the blue dolphin.
HIGH DIVER is a revised version of what Pete tells Chris when she pressures Pete to reveal the truth. That's why when I first tried to write this story within a story, I wanted to have Pete as my POV, but it bombed in the fragments and feedback area of Hatrack. The emphasis of the story was to be on Pete and how he gained his shape-changing ability. I obviously missed some things when I made the switch to Olna's POV. Also, I never thought of Olna as nothing more than a supporting character, which might account to him not sounding very fleshed out in my story.
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