First Revision

I began to reconsider the contract as I sat in a squalid office watching that balding man peck at his laptop one key at a time. He reminded me of an old turtle, slowing mouthing words as he typed. He finally looked up, repositioned his horn-rimmed glasses, and turned the screen toward me.
"That's it Mister Childers," he said through a tobacco-stained grin. "If you'll just sign, I'll hit 'send', and we're done."
He slid an eyepiece toward me and my gut tightened. He reassured me that the data would be wiped after the initial targeting was completed, so I reviewed the fields a final time and looked into the scanner. A red glow momentarily blinded me and the system chimed with confirmation. The man shook my hand and said, "Remember, there's still time to change your mind."

***

That squat balding man, whose name still eludes me, reminded me of a turtle, slowly mouthing words as he pecked his keyboard a single key at a time. He finally looked up, repositioned his horn-rimmed glasses, and swung the monitor toward me.
"OK, Mister Childers," he said through a tobacco-stained grin, "If you'll go ahead and sign we can close this deal."
He slid an eyepiece toward me and my gut tightened. He reassured me that the data would be wiped from the system once the initial targeting was completed.
I reviewed the fields one last time and looked into the scanner. A red glow momentarily blinded me and the computer chimed.
The man shook my hand and said, "Remember, there's still time to change your mind." I wondered if I'd still be here 30 years

You're right. He is remembering the event and relaying it to someone else (via a journal and letters).

Thanks for the feedback. It will help me tighten it up a bit. There is actually only one more sentence to this part and it would be great to have it fit into the First 13.

I began to reconsider the contract as I sat in a office watching that man. He reminded me of an old turtle, bald head slowing mouthing words while fingers pecked at a laptop one key at a time. He finally looked up and turned the screen toward me.

With this paragraph:

He slid an eyepiece toward me and my gut tightened. He reassured me that the data would be wiped after the initial targeting was completed, so I reviewed the fields a final time and looked into the scanner. A red glow momentarily blinded me and the system chimed with confirmation.

The part about the data is associated to the computer. The eyepiece, his fear and the red flash are associated to the scanner. It confused me initially as you jumped from details about the computer, then the scanner, then the computer, and then the scanner again. If you rearrange them so the focus goes from the computer to the scanner only once would make it easier.

The man shook my hand and said, "Remember, there's still time to change your mind."

A couple of questions:

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There are some really interesting bits in this, but I found it too adjective laden.

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How do I paint the picture of the "squalid" office in the First 13 if I don't use "squalid"? Or does it matter? I see where your rewrite flows much faster, but how do you balance speed with accuracy so to speak? The books I've read on "how to write" don't really address things like this.

With this paragraph:

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If you rearrange them so the focus goes from the computer to the scanner only once would make it easier.

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Makes sense. I'll rework it.

quote:

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The man shook my hand and said, "Remember, there's still time to change your mind."

This sounds a little contrived to return to the hook within the first 13.

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The original opening was about 20 or so lines. It's a stand-alone piece, sort of a prologue, but important to the story. After writing it, I tried to condense it into 13 lines. This line was always in it, even before this drill.

Is my hook the part about the contract? I guess I overlooked that and was trying to get to what I thought was the hook - the fact that this guy shelled out big money for a deal that will "pay off" in 30 years. Even then, he can back out up until the final seconds(minus his money) and not go through with it.

quote:

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How do I paint the picture of the "squalid" office in the First 13 if I don't use "squalid"? Or does it matter? I see where your rewrite flows much faster, but how do you balance speed with accuracy so to speak? The books I've read on "how to write" don't really address things like this.

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If the squalid nature of the surrounds is an important point, then there must be a reason. It is this reason that you need to convey, and it is best when tied to moving the story along. Also, look for solid examples of to use, rather than general descriptive words. For example, if the reason is that the squalidness makes him wonder about the validity of the contract, you could write

I began to reconsider the contract as I sat in the man's office. It reminded me of a hidey hole from an old cartoon about mutant ninjas, and I imagined the back door led straight to the sewer. Even the man looked like an old turtle, bald head slowing mouthing words while fingers pecked at a laptop one key at a time. He finally looked up and turned the screen toward me.

A little comedic, which perhaps isn't the tone, but you get the point.

The man shook my hand and said, "Remember, there's still time to change your mind."

This sounds a little contrived to return to the hook within the first 13.

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The original opening was about 20 or so lines. It's a stand-alone piece, sort of a prologue, but important to the story. After writing it, I tried to condense it into 13 lines. This line was always in it, even before this drill.

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The line is fine if it is in the middle of others. Its just that it happened to be the last thing we could read, which made it sound a little contrived. The contradiction, however, is a bit more serious - how many salesmen, business man or conmen would shake on a deal and then give an option to get out of the deal? It is bad sales technique, and makes the recipient think that the salesman himself doesn't believe in the product.

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Is my hook the part about the contract? I guess I overlooked that and was trying to get to what I thought was the hook - the fact that this guy shelled out big money for a deal that will "pay off" in 30 years. Even then, he can back out up until the final seconds(minus his money) and not go through with it.

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Just one parting shot...

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The contradiction, however, is a bit more serious - how many salesmen, business man or conmen would shake on a deal and then give an option to get out of the deal? It is bad sales technique, and makes the recipient think that the salesman himself doesn't believe in the product.

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Is this contradiction jarring enough to pull you out of the story or can it effectively be used as an additional hook? It is actually an important part (I think) to the plot later. The contradiction is explained later.

If the next line was "That was 30 years ago" (and it is) or "His words have haunted me for 30 years" would it be better or worse? It's a key source of conflict for the main character - he's spent 30 years wondering if he'd change his mind at the moment of truth so to speak.