You’re just kicking these flashes out, aren’t you, Honu. Careful that you don’t run to the well too often.Now I haven’t been following your series so I am only judging this as a single submit.
I am wondering how your shorten names ‘Dn’ and ‘Dk’ are pronounced. Is it D N or din or den or something else. It’s important, this needs to be clarified.
Why all the italicized text? It’s too much and adds to my feeling of I don’t know what’s going on. Are they needed? I suggest you change as much as possible back.
quote:
After meeting, she'd shared her name with me. It was unpronounceable for lep lips and became Sid.
You already called her Sid so this is backward info-dumpish. I also wonder why he couldn’t at least attempt to tell us what it was. Nevertheless, I think it should be and so became Sid.
quote:
We called ourselves leps. Leopard was too hard to say.
Also backward info-dumpish. Who are the We? Sid and him? If so why would Sid have a name that even she couldn’t pronounce?
quote:
So the words gotten out I have a mate.
It took me a minute to realize this was internal dialog. Make it it’s own paragraph. Did you mean ‘word’ instead of ‘words’?
quote:
The two haunch carriers trotted forward and dropped the meat then head bobbed and rejoined their group.
This seems to be missing a comma or two.
This doesn’t feel like an opening but instead the start of chapter four, which I guess it is, in a way. If this is meant to stand on its own I will tell you that it doesn’t hook for me. Don’t see a conflict, dilemma, crisis, or discovery that would make me to want to read on.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 15, 2009).]
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