I request the usual:

1. Please evaluate the opening.
2. If it does spark curiosity, please volunteer to receive more; I need all the help I can get.
3. I promise not to argue with you. (Else what would be the point of asking for critiques?)
4. In accordance with the law of the land, I have evaluated several other "first 13"s before posting this, and will continue to do so in that ratio. (And I reckon Kathleen was right, already I have learned a few things.)

(In 12 pt Courier New, the last word "dog" is the first word of line #14.)

Sincere thanks up front for your time.

quote:

---

Naomi woke to the sound of Jessie barking.

She could barely identify the golden retriever’s silhouette against the window. For a confused moment, Naomi thought that Mark must be coming home, but that couldn’t be right. Mark was in Chicago, and Naomi had the car anyway. Besides, Jessie would have greeted Mark at the front door, on the east side of the house. The bedroom window faced south.

Naomi squinted at the clock:
4:30 AM.

“Jessie, hush,” Naomi whispered, settling back down to sleep. Jessie barked on, ignoring her.

Finally Naomi stood and walked to the window, unable to sleep, but also curious what had spooked the normally passive dog.

---

Thanks again.

[This message has been edited by Jason R. Peters (edited March 11, 2009).]

A couple of minor items that I think might keep the start a bit more taut.

Having personally had a big dog barking out the window at night, there is generally no problem identifying your dog. Its not the dog, but the relentless barking that's important.

You can identify Jessie as a golden retriever at another point. The silhouette at the window gets in the way of the opening's tension.

The other phrase that I noted... Her thought of having the car home anyway is a distraction to me. Mark could have taken a taxi home. It's a little hitch in the suspense, unless her thought is no matter who it is something's wrong. We want to know what's out there as soon as possible.

Hope that helps a little bit.

I'd be happy to give your story a read.

If this piece is not intended to be speculative, please ignore my comments

Best regards,

Brant

Owasm's comments will help me further tighten the opening.

To Brant and Bent Tree:

I am going to send you the full story, because it does have a speculative element. Perhaps I should have introduced it as "non-gore horror" or something.

However, your insight in the opening already has me wondering about a problem with the larger story. Although there is supernatural element, I now fear that it isn't revealed early enough. My intention was to create suspense, but now I fear the reader will be bored or annoyed before the first big revelation.

Please let me know; I'm sure you will.

This is an any day in anyone's life opening. Dog barks, wakes owner, not very compelling. Your second paragraph read like a geometry thereom.
A couldn't be B because B wasn't in C and A didn't have D and B wasn't at E and E needed to equal F for A to be near E.

Dog barking at what no one knows opening is as done as MC waking up from dream opening (post one of them and watch those complaints roll in).

So, in other words, opening lacks a hook.

I was just trying to demonstrate, "she is barking in the wrong direction", but in retrospect it would have been much simpler to write THAT instead.

But most of the feedback has me rethinking this opening entirely. It seems much more uninteresting and vague than if I had begun at a different point in the story.

Hate to pile in on top of Snapper, but the starting point doesn't seem right to me.

Presuming that whatever it is changes Naomi's life (good or bad), I'd start the story just before that point.

Anyway, email the whole story to me.

The writing itself was fine. In fact despite the ordinary night, nothing speculative it did keep me reading.