First draft of a new attempt at an old story idea. I can't get the opening 13 right.

Cheers,

Nick

First version

quote:

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Cassie clenched the armrests of her chair as she waited for the test results. She knew that Lana was different from other children, but she did not know how. In contrast to her fears about her daughter, the fact that she did not yet know the name, age or gender of the doctor did not worry her. The doctor sent an identity key. The words Robert Grant, aged 34 to 50, Male <Kinship tree available> ghosted in her visual field. He processed her identity key in turn.
“Lana isn’t normal is she?” She could barely get the words out.
"Mrs. Lang, I have been observing Lana for two days and I’ve received her test results." Dr. Grant hesitated and in that fragment of time, the world seemed to stop.

---

Second version

quote:

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Cassie exchanged identity keys with the figure on the far side of the desk. The key revealed Dr. Grant’s identity and she clenched the armrests of her chair as she waited for his diagnosis.
“There is something different about Lana isn’t there?”
"Mrs. Wiley, I have been observing your daughter for two days as well as sending her blood to a pathology lab." He adjusted the cufflinks on his doctors’ uniform. “Physically, she’s a perfectly healthy twelve-month old.”
The air went from her world. “Physically?”
"She's healthier than anyone who has been born in the last one hundred years." He paused. "There's no trace of the apperceptive recognition disorder virus in her blood. She's ARD free."

---

Strong start. Playing right into a cliché, of course, but plenty of scope to add that twist.

[q]
In contrast to her fears about her daughter, the fact that she did not yet know the name, age or gender of the doctor did not worry her. The doctor sent an identity key. The words Robert Grant, aged 34 to 50, Male <Kinship tree available> ghosted in her visual field. He processed her identity key in turn.
[/q]

Goes astray here, for me. She doesn't care, but she spends 4 sentences telling us why. I'd forge ahead with the main event and bring us back to the detail on the doc when she does start to care.

[q]
“Lana isn’t normal is she?” She could barely get the words out.
[/q]
Back on track...

[q]
"Mrs. Lang, I have been observing Lana for two days and I’ve received her test results." Dr. Grant hesitated and in that fragment of time, the world seemed to stop.
[/q]

“and in that fragment of time...” loses intensity, for me. Consider shorter sentences?

I'd read on, but I'd hope to see a unique twist on a familiar situation before too long.

Edit: my markup is broken, but you get the gist

In contrast to her fears about her daughter, the fact that she did not yet know the name, age or gender of the doctor did not worry her. I'm not sure that the doctor's vital statistics really make a decent contrast to her fears about her daughter.

aged 34 to 50 seems too ambiguous, given that the identity key also delivers specifics like his exact name and kinship tree.

ghosted in her visual field I automatically read this as 'ghosted into', for some reason, reading ghosted as a verb implying 'appeared'. With 'in', though, it could just as easily mean it was already in her visual field and modified somehow. I think it's too ambiguous as it stands.

“Lana isn’t normal is she?” As a parent, I may fear problems, but I tend to want to hear my kids are normal. I think this works as-is, but wonder if it might be stronger the other way around ("Lana's normal, isn't she?").

Lang, ... Lana Lang - Lana. Unless you are really in love with this, this similarity might lead to confusion between the characters.

I worry that in that fragment of time, and the world seemed to stop as phrases are a little too cliched. Tell us how Cassie feels physically, and we might feel it physically along with her, making it read more powerfully.

Looking back - is the identity key exchange even relevant? It slows down the action. If you wanted to keep the pace, needed identity keys for later consistency, and just summarised it as 'they exchanged identity keys' it might work better. It might also open up more space for us to instead see Cassie's worst fears - which could work well with Grant's imminent revelation.

If not, then you seem to be delaying your start of the story in dwelling on it. If it is, perhaps some earlier clarification needs to be in order. But really, either way, focusing on the mother's worry about her child would be your best bet. In my opinion having both seem to be of equal importance seems to make your first 13 sorta crowded.

cheers,