Cool poetic piece, here. The parts about "nothingness" are perfectly fine to me, as I'm familiar with what you're talking about. Kind of like a built-in Zen riddle, too, which befits the piece."Asuka knelt in meditation"
This sounded funny to me. I can see what you're going for, as "sat in meditation" is, I believe, a common phrase, but it may be that that phrase has become so common that no one notices it's strange anymore. It kind of sounded like she was kneeling in a pile of meditation.
"Fragrance and a fine mist of yellow pollen fell upon her like morning dew."
My impression as I read this sentence was that "fragrance" sounded funny without an adjective preceding it. Might want to start off with "A (insert adjective) fragrance..."
"Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and had achieved a state..."
I think this might read smoother without the first "had", i.e. "Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and achieved a state in which she could tap into the Way-Seeking Mind" or by possibly relocating "had", such as "Asuka had extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and achieved a state in which she could tap into the Way-Seeking Mind, but her walls had been penetrated."
Another possibility might be, "Asuka extended the invisible constructs of her nothingness and tapped into the Way-Seeking Mind".
Might also want to start a new sentence after "penetrated".
sweet smells and enlivened senses returned as those walls crumbled.
Might read better as, "As those walls crumbled, the sweet smells and enlived senses (perhaps insert "of enlightenment" or "higher consciousness" or somesuch here?) returned"
Another possibility might be to switch this all to a present tense, i.e. have her enter the gardens, kneel, begin to meditate, and experience the sensations of higher consciousness.
I really like this piece. The imagery and style would keep me going. Keep up the good work.
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited April 11, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited April 11, 2009).]