posted
Proto-epsilon five drifted near her in the genesis vat, basking in the delicate structures of her mind. His tail slid across hers, and her mind changed. Streams of blue rippled across the near stillness of her consciousness--was that pleasure? None of the other proto-lix had minds as refined as hers. Theirs were jagged, almost crystalline, filled with swirling reds and sharp yellows. She was different. He called her Peace, because that's what she brought him. A sudden plume of black ripped through her mind and she spun away. He froze and listened to the fluids surrounding him; a low hum carried though the dark waters--Catcher was in the vat. The other Proto-lix fled to the depths, their minds swamped with blackness. Fear coursed through him, but as he turned and sped away, he wondered what the blackness was he sensed in others.
Revised:
Proto-epsilon five drifted near her in the genesis vat, sensing the delicate structures of her mind. When his tail touched hers, the fabric of her mind changed; he sensed streams of blue rippling across the near-stillness of her consciousness--was that pleasure she was experiencing? He found none of the other proto-lix with minds as refined as hers. The others were jagged, crude, almost crystalline and filled with swirling reds and sharp yellows. She was different. He called her Peace, because that's what she brought him. A sudden plume of black ripped through her mind and she flicked her tail and spun away. He froze, listening to the fluids surrounding him; a low hum carried though the dark waters. His heart hammered in his chest--Catcher was in the vat.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 04, 2009).]
posted
I did one a bit like this before, but have changed it to third, as well as a few other changes.
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posted
I had to wrassle with this one a little bit. Part of it is the proto-xx. Mostly it's because I'm not sure whose POV this is in. It could either be the male or the female. Because they are psychic or empathic, the passage could be read either as in his or her POV. By the last sentence we're pretty solidly in his POV, but I had already read the first para or so as her POV.
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posted
I get where you are coming from with regard the POV fluidity in the first part. It wasn't something I noticed when I wrote it as I knew it was his POV all along.
The part of thsi introduction is a gradual change from empathic skills to spychic abilities--sensing feelings to understanding thoughts with precise skill.
I think I can establish the POV more directly from the off so it isn't ambiguous.
posted
You could go with green for serenity? I think anything in the green-blue spectrum would work (so aqua, teal, etc.)
Something yellow would be happy in my mind, which isn't quite the same thing, but might still work for your story, depending on where it goes from here.
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