posted
I suck at titles. Anyways this is one that is near completion, should be about 2,000 - 3,000 by the looks of it. just want to know if it pulls you in to continue reading, ya know, the regular 13 line critiquing. Thanks buddies!
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Johnny could feel his connection to Sarah intensify immediately when the door to the interrogation room opened. When it closed with a soft click behind the man that entered, the sensation diminished, dulled again to nothing more than a faint tickle at the back of his mind. The man, dressed in a sharp black business suit sat down at the table. His name tag declared him to be Mr. Timmins. A cigarette pressed between Timmins lips began to fill the under ventilated room with a cloud of acrid smoke as moments passed without either saying a word. Finally the man spoke. “Mr. Hornstedt, do you know what the mathematical probability is of someone finding their soul mate?” Timmins crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in his chair, pausing for a
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 15, 2009).]
I like that Sarah is more real to him than the man in that first paragraph. Well done! While the door is open, could Johnny pick up something from her, a scent, emotion, warmth, something to make the sensation more tangible? Just a thought.
Punctuation: The man, dressed in a sharp black business suit, sat down at the table. His name tag declared him to be Mr. Timmins. A cigarette pressed between Timmins’ lips began to fill the under-ventilated room I’d loose the “s” at the end of his name—it can lead to awkwardness.
Lean & trim: “began to fill” -> “slowly filled” and cut “as moments passed without either saying a word”. Suggest cutting “under-ventilated” Resulting in: “A cigarette pressed between Timmins’ lips slowly filled the room with a cloud of acrid smoke. Finally the man spoke.” Hmm, maybe. Suggest reducing “what the mathematical probability is” to “the mathematical probability” Suggest “chair, as if he expected Johnny to have a response ready.” Or a “ready response”.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 15, 2009).]
posted
Regarding the title: I opened the thread because of the title thinking you'd borrowed from Latin: Soul Mother. But, now that I've read the opening, yeah, maybe Soul Mate...not enough info yet to suggest a title.
I find the characters interesting, but I'd like to know who Sarah is. I thought at first that she was who was being interrogated, but she turned to a he. Since MrsBrown seemed to know Sarah, maybe she was in the bits that She Who Must Be Obeyed edited off; as it stands now, Sarah is abstract. I agree that trimming would help, like 'as moments passed without either saying a word' to 'as moments passed in silence.' And 'dulled again to a faint tickle ('faint' and 'nothing more than' are redundant). Usually, 'began to' and 'started to' can be exorcised. I'm guessing that 'pausing for a' in the edited text is redundant. Maybe with some of these or similar changes you'll have some extra space to explain Sarah in the first 13.
posted
Even though you haven't put any action into this opening, I'm overly intrigued. I would love to read whatever you have done. I can critique or just send you my thoughts on it. Either way, I'd love to read it when you feel its ready to be read.
I also thought Sarah was the one being interrogated, but even as it stands, it wasn't much of a barrier. Once I was sure I was reading it right, it all made sense and read smoothly.
posted
I agree that you should clearly state who is being interrogated. Withholding that information doesn't enrich the story, in fact, it almost feels as though you were trying to trick the reader.
One way to clear this up quickly would be this:
quote:The man, dressed in a sharp black business suit sat down at the table opposite Johnny.
posted
yea? I had put that in orginally but felt it was a bit redundant. If it is unclear though maybe it should be put back in (or something similar to distinguish)
posted
This may just be me but those first two sentences – or so it seems to me – have a neat idea not fully developed.
Feel his connection to Sarah intensify – is so vague. Couldn’t you find a way to show this rather than merely tell the reader this?
Like, um -- The door to the interrogation room opened with a jerk. Suddenly Johnny’s sense of Sarah rose to almost unbearable level. The pain in her broken arm was his pain. The tightness of her each breath strangled him. He felt her dry mouth as his own. With a soft click the door closed and the sensations of his own body flooded back leaving Sarah as no more than a faint tickle at the back of his mind.
“John Hornstedt, right?” The man who entered Johnny’s room sat down across the table from Johnny. He wore a sharp black business suit. As Johnny watched, the man adjusted the sleeves so the white shirt cuffs showed properly. A grey plastic name tag pinned over his breast read ‘Mr. Timmins.’ Timmins smiled, sending a chill up Johnny's back. “Mr Hornstedt, do you know the mathematical probability of someone finding their soul mate?”
Not that this is good, but can you see what I’m talking about here? Showing Johnny’s connection of Sarah? I mean, you could do a lot of background subtly this way. Implied stuff. I just had a rough interrogation room. But you could imply backstory here.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited May 28, 2009).]
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