Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Cuculix

   
Author Topic: Cuculix
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Even though Jimmy Jerusalem hated heights, the cafe’s balcony drew him time and again; it was the best place to view the setting sun. The cafe was one of many glass blisters on the west-face of a low sky-bridge spanning the void between Green Park and Bond Street mega-towers. Thirty floors above street-level, it had a clear view of the horizon, punctured only by the occassional narrow spire of one of London's smaller towers.
Jimmy stirred his Columbian coffee and gazed at the sinking sun. The sky blazed red and Jimmy shut his eyes as a light, warm wind caressed his face. He opened his eyes after a moment, but the balcony was now in dark shadow. He half-rose from his chair, his heart pounding. Had he fugued again? But, no--he saw the reason--a cloud obscured the light of the dying sun. With a

The telling at the begining is conscious, as I was aiming for a noir-feel as it it slid into his POV. Does it work?

Any comments welcome.

ANOTHER VERSION:

"Coffee, please, Pinto." Jimmy Jerusalem smiled.
Pinto, the manager of the cafe, looked up. "Sure, Mr. Jerusalem." Pinto's dark eyes narrowed. "Where're do you want to sit today?" He waved at the empty seating inside the cafe.
Jimmy glanced out to the cafe's terrace, a mere thirty-six floors above street level. His left leg developed a sudden light tremor. He cleared his throat. "The terrace. As usual."
Pinto lifted an eyebrow. "You sure? 'Cause you look to me, Mr. Jerusalem, like a guy who would be far more comfortable sitting inside. Be more relaxing for you, if you get my drift."
"I always sit outside--you know that."
"Sure, I know that, Mr. Jerusalem, but the vibe you give me is..." Pinto paused and smiled, "...that you hate heights or

Version three (Last One):

The Talop'z Café hung like a inverted mushroom, spun of alloy and glass, from the lowest of the three skybridges that spanned the void between the Green Park and Bond Street mega-towers. It was Jimmy Jerusalem’s favourite place, despite the thirty floors of empty air separating it from the crime-ridden streets below--a fact he preferred not to think about.
He repeated his mental mantra as the elevator descended. It's perfectly safe. I climbed higher mountains in the service...
“Coffee on the terrace as usual, Mr. Jerusalem?” Pinto, the waiter, asked as soon as the elevator door slid open.
“Sure.” Fear pierced the soles of his feet like icy needles.
Pinto smiled and looked over his shoulder at the terrace. “Should be a good one this evening.”

Okay, really last one:

Jimmy Jerusalem paused in the elevator. Using his sleeve, he wiped the film of sweat from his upper lip and cleared his throat.
“Café level, please.” There was a faint tremor in his voice.
“Café level—twenty seconds,” the elevator responded.
The glass elevator plummeted downwards, first through a dark shaft puncturing the base of the sky-bridge, then plunging out of the darkness into the sunset down a narrow tube spun from alloy and glass, to the Jupiter'z Cafe that hung below.
A small whimper escaped Jim’s mouth as the sudden burst of light through the glass walls and panoramic views made his stomach flip into his throat. He gripped the waist-high metal rail that ran around the inside of the elevator with slippery hands. Then the moment passed as the elevator passed through the upper

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 02, 2009).]


Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jennywinnie
Member
Member # 8510

 - posted      Profile for Jennywinnie   Email Jennywinnie         Edit/Delete Post 
Well the first thing that kind of stuck out to me was the first and last names both starting with the same letter seemed some how contrived...does that make sense. Maybe not.

I liked how we jump into a character flaw in the beginning, but then it completely disappears after that point. I couldn't help but think that this flaw wasn't really important enough to mention if he could get over it so quickly. I think you might want to emphasize that he wasn't just leasurely going up to see pretty clouds. Make him more drawn to the beauty of the balcony almost against his will. Then we understand he's really a closet romantic, or you know...it just makes him a little more rich, and it doesn't cancle out the cute quirkiness of being afraid of heights. Maybe he NEEDS to be there. I guess just show us that his feelings for being up there, are stronger than his fear.

I think you might consider reordering your beautiful descriptions of the city, and the cafe. It starts extremely tight, personal, within Jimmy's very thoughts, then jumps to the expanse of the city, then back in again to the point of view of the building itself. I would do Jimmy's perspective...quick mention of view (which you do) then I'd jump to the 26-story part describing the building and how you can see the other buildings...then I'd jump to describing it's place as a glass blister in the city maybe even giving us a bit more information about the city or Jimmy's thoughts about the city, or his place in it...and then jump to him stirring his coffee. It would seem much more natural, like how we naturally loose our train of thought, but each thought kind of leads to the proceeding one. And then we focus our attention again, back onto our immediate world.

I guess, that's just the screen writer in me talking. I'm thinking camera angles as you talk.

The other part is great as far as I can tell. Very tense, and it sort of foreshadows. It tells us that he is on edge, trying to calm himself by the cafe, and the coffee, but he's expecting something dark to happen. That's a great hanger.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Are you a screen-writer? Have you had stuff TVified or moviefied?

Thanks for your crit. I have posted another version--significantly different. For some reason I am struggling to start this story. I think the more fully formed the story is the harder it is to start it in the right place.

Anyway, see above.


Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
alliedfive
Member
Member # 7811

 - posted      Profile for alliedfive   Email alliedfive         Edit/Delete Post 
"Coffee, please, Pinto." Jimmy Jerusalem smiled.
Pinto, the manager of the cafe, looked up. "Sure, Mr. Jerusalem." Pinto'sProbably don't need to repeat his name so soon dark eyes narrowed. "Where're do you want to sit today?" He waved at the empty seating inside the cafe.
Jimmy glanced out toat? the cafe's terrace, [a mere thirty-six floors above street level.]--At first I was confused by the sarcasm. You might want to cut "mere" and play it straight until we get our bearings. His left leg developed a sudden light tremor. He cleared his throat. "The terrace. As usual."
Pinto lifted an eyebrow. "You sure? 'Cause you look to me, Mr. Jerusalem, like a guy who would be far more comfortable sitting inside. [Be more relaxing for you, if you get my drift."]--I'd cut this, it's repetitive.
"I always sit outside--you know that."
"Sure, [I know that]--I'd cut this for the same reason., Mr. Jerusalem, but the vibe you give me is..." Pinto paused and smiled, "...that you hate heights or


It probably doesn't have quite enough to get me to keep reading yet. I know it's a subtle subject, but maybe you could hint as to why it's important that he overcome his fear of heights. That way, we have more to care about than this guys personal psychological health.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Owasm
Member
Member # 8501

 - posted      Profile for Owasm   Email Owasm         Edit/Delete Post 
I like Jimmy Jerusalem's name.

I like the concept of the second version, but like the imagery of the first. The first has the hook (the open warrant)that the second lacks.

I thought Pinto's comments could be cut rather severely. if Jimmy's been there before and always goes out on the balcony, Pinto will realize this. Also, why order coffee before you are seated? All Pinto needs to say is the sarcastic bit about sitting inside with the nervous Jimmy getting a little annoyed. Then you have a little real estate to get Jimmy on the terrace getting his message.

A little more work...

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 29, 2009).]


Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
philocinemas
Member
Member # 8108

 - posted      Profile for philocinemas   Email philocinemas         Edit/Delete Post 
I liked the first one better - I see in it the depth I was describing in the First-13 threads (voice and subtleties).

Even though Jimmy Jerusalem hated heights, the cafe’s balcony drew him time and again; it was the best place to view the setting sun.I like the first sentence, even with all the alliteration, up until the semicolon. I seem to recall that it is recommended to not have a semicolon in the first sentence of a story. Also, the setting sun doesn't sound like enough - how about "dying sun" from later The cafe was one of many glass blisters on the west-face of a low sky-bridge spanning the void between Green Park and Bond Street mega-towers. loved this sentence - great description - sounds like something out of the Big 3Thirty floors above street-level, it had a clear view of the horizon, punctured only by the occassional narrow spire of one of London's smaller towers.I like this - though I can't picture this very well because I haven't seen many wide-angle shots of London. Is it all city, with the sun setting behind buildings, like US big cities, or are there trees beyond the forest of buildings?
Jimmy stirred his Columbian coffee and gazed at the sinking sun. great - you might even consider going more specificThe sky blazed red and Jimmy shut his eyes as a light, warm wind caressed his face. He opened his eyes after a moment, but the balcony was now in dark shadow. These two lines threw me off a little - partly because his name sounds kind of like a tough-guy's name and the words don't seem to fit his name. Second, "dark shadow" reminds me of a vampire soap opera.He half-rose from his chair, his heart pounding. Had he fugued fugued?again? But, no--he saw the reason--a cloud obscured the light of the dying figuratively? sun. With a wry smile Jimmy relaxed back into his seat and reached for his coffee as an open warrant pinged his personal-net.nice set-up at ending

I really liked it up until "The sky blazed red...and after the sun died (unless it really is dying - then I'd keep that part).
Adding some of the dialogue with the waiter would be nice.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited June 29, 2009).]


Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jennywinnie
Member
Member # 8510

 - posted      Profile for Jennywinnie   Email Jennywinnie         Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, I've just participated in some extremely indi projects, I have alot of friends tinkering in film, and since I'm a writer they happen to know, who happens to be 'free' I'm constantly useful to them.

Also, the way I write tends to lend itself well (normally) to film. I like clearly seeing the action, what's going on. I've got a long way to go as a writer, I'll admit, but almost everytime I get cretiques back I seem to be strong on creating a good picture if nothing else. I just think that way.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jennywinnie
Member
Member # 8510

 - posted      Profile for Jennywinnie   Email Jennywinnie         Edit/Delete Post 
I loved the second one's dialogue! I love this character already. I'm sad that you chucked alot of that description from earlier...it was really good stuff, but maybe you can work it in later right?

Anyhow, loved it!


Posts: 70 | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post 
I am fighting the urge to tell you the second version is better. It is easier to gravitate to but number one is the one I think you stick with.

About the name. If this is supposed to have a bit of levity in it, then by al means keep it. But if this is meant as a serious Sci-Fi, mystery, or philosophical piece, you may want to think of another name. It is hard for me to take Jimmy Jerusalem seriously.

Keep up the stellar work.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jeff M
Member
Member # 7828

 - posted      Profile for Jeff M   Email Jeff M         Edit/Delete Post 
Weighing in on the name issue: I like "Jimmy Jerusalem". It sets up my expectations for an interesting character far more than if he was something like "Jim Smith".

I prefer the first version. After 13 lines, I know where he is and a bit of who he is, and there is mention of some things that pique my curiosity, encouraging me to keep reading.

The second version is pretty much just a couple guys talking about coffee and seating arrangements. Acrophobia isn't a particularly compelling hook.

Oh, edited to add, I don't know how to pronounce the title. Coo-coo-licks? Cuh-sul-licks? Not a deal breaker, because when reading your eyes can register it without worrying too much about pronunciation. But mildly irritating.

[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited June 30, 2009).]


Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the input, guys. I have posted another, and the last, version above. I have tried to meld the two...

Does it work? Or was an earlier attempt better?


Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bemused
Member
Member # 8465

 - posted      Profile for bemused   Email bemused         Edit/Delete Post 
The third version is better than the second, but I still may like the first the best. Overall I like what you are doing in the third, but there are some elements of the first that I really liked (that may show up farther along in version 3). Particularly the imagery of the skyline, and the fascination with the sunset. Most importanlty, version 1 gets things rolling faster, he is already watching the sunset, there is the dark foreshadowing mentioned above, and the warrant. Also with the first version I didn't mind the telling in the first line. It did set a create a noir-ish feel. Also, the telling set up the curious contradiction of Jimmy being drawn to this cafe to relax, when it clearly also stirred his fears.

In the third version, the line regarding him prefering not to think about it is a little unclear. Does he prefer not to think about the height or the crime bellow?

As for the name, I like Jimmy Jerusalem. Maybe its just because my initials are also JJ. I have always found the J names have a contrived sound to them, but thats probably because the letter is a late addition to English (originaly i's and g's filled j roles).

If you are looking for readers I would read on.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
philocinemas
Member
Member # 8108

 - posted      Profile for philocinemas   Email philocinemas         Edit/Delete Post 
I liked the earlier version, but I think the added dialogue would help it. Here's my suggestion:

quote:
Even though Jimmy Jerusalem hated heights, the balcony of Jupiter’z Café drew him time and again. The cafe was one of many glass blisters on the west-face of a low sky-bridge spanning the void between Green Park and Bond Street mega-towers. Thirty floors above street-level, it had a clear view of the gray, green, blue horizon, punctured only by the occassional narrow spire of one of London's smaller towers.

Obviously, this isn't 13 lines, but I hope you won't mind if I suggest how you could possibly start the scene. I'm not sure if Jimmy is a tough guy or not, but either way, he's a guy with a problem - he fears heights. Since this paragraph actually introduces Jimmy, I'd suggest you give him a grand entrance. I see a tough guy standing just inside an open elevator - a regular practice of his at this restaurant. He seems to be forcing himself to overcome this fear - maybe a hindrence in his job. I have been with regulars to nice restaurants, and the first thing I notice is they will have one waiter who makes a big show of their arrival by loudly welcoming them and then asking if they want their regular seat. Good waiters have distinct mannerisms (speech and gestures). This waiter might have to walk Jimmy out of the elevator on a regular basis. Maybe he's suggesting the inside table because Jimmy had difficulty the last time he was there. If the waiter brings this up, Jimmy could get a little touchy, and the waiter would apologize profusely.

I'm not sure how all of that could be put into 13 lines, but I think it could be a hooky opening even if you can't fit in the job that's "called" into him. Also feel free to ignore everything I just said, but I would be interested in reading it when you're done.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited June 30, 2009).]


Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
The Talop'z Café hung like a inverted mushroom, spun of alloy and glass, from the lowest of the three skybridges that spanned the void between the Green Park and Bond Street mega-towers.

Lose first comma.

quote:
It was Jimmy Jerusalem’s favourite place, despite the thirty floors of empty air separating it from the crime-ridden streets below--a fact he preferred not to think about.

I like the first paragraph. Visual, yet I still want to see more.


As far as the rest...

I can't really say what is wrong with it, nothing but something isn't quite clicking. The waiter at the elevator entrance was jarring (maybe he should be a robot). I think you have too much too grasp. You want to show a future where the MC suffers from a fear of heights but doesn't want to show it. Setting, character, conflict, with a niche....

Consider concentrating on one important thing than work details in around that, like his fear of heights. I guess that is what you are trying to do but it isn't blending as well as this needs.

I know my crit isn't clear but its the feeling I am getting at this moment.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Obviously not quite there--although the consensus seems to be that the ideas are good, but the execution is lacking.

Adam


Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robert Nowall
Member
Member # 2764

 - posted      Profile for Robert Nowall   Email Robert Nowall         Edit/Delete Post 
Not bad...I can't offer much in the way of criticism, but I can say I really like the title.
Posts: 8809 | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Owasm
Member
Member # 8501

 - posted      Profile for Owasm   Email Owasm         Edit/Delete Post 
It's getting much better with version 3. What jarred me was the waiter's last statement:
quote:
Pinto smiled and looked over his shoulder at the terrace. “Should be a good one this evening.”

For me this where the opening goes wrong. There is no reference point to what 'one' is or why it will be good. I'd suggest using that sentence to place the MC taking the first step out onto the terrace, focusing on his 'issue' rather than on Pinto.


Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Okay...last try.

The bits people liked like the dialogue and description the sunset will happen...but after the 13lines. I felt I was trying to jam to much in, so I stuck with the bridge and cafes description and his fear.


Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
keithjgrant
Member
Member # 8678

 - posted      Profile for keithjgrant   Email keithjgrant         Edit/Delete Post 
This is a much stronger version. Jimmy's behavior is loaded with nonverbals telling us what's going on. (I'd be wary of laying it on too thick after this intro, though).

My advice: forget the 1st thirteen and get the rest written


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
philocinemas
Member
Member # 8108

 - posted      Profile for philocinemas   Email philocinemas         Edit/Delete Post 
Perfect, except for the two "passed" at the end.
Posts: 2003 | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post 
Okay. Last critique of this, really.

quote:
Jimmy Jerusalem paused in the elevator. Using his sleeve, he wiped the film of sweat from his upper lip and cleared his throat.

paused is way too general for what you are trying to say, IMO. It could mean a hundred different things. JJ is experiencing something very definite here, an acute fear of heights. Reflect what he is feeling with at least an implication that he is experiencing anxiety.

Jimmy Jerusalem steeled himself as the elevator door closed

just one example (lame I admit) but an idea on how you could make the opening to mean a bit more.

quote:
“Café level, please.” There was a faint tremor in his voice.

At least flip these two sentences. Rewording it would be better...

He spoke with a faint tremor in his voice. "Cafe level, please."

quote:
“Café level—twenty seconds,” the elevator responded.
The glass elevator plummeted downwards, first through a dark shaft puncturing the base of the sky-bridge, then plunging out of the darkness into the sunset down a narrow tube spun from alloy and glass, to the Jupiter'z Cafe that hung below.
A small whimper escaped Jim’s mouth as the sudden burst of light through the glass walls and panoramic views made his stomach flip into his throat. He gripped the waist-high metal rail that ran around the inside of the elevator with slippery hands.

This is great, Especially...

[i]A small whimper escaped Jim’s mouth as the sudden burst of light through the glass walls and panoramic views made his stomach flip into his throat. He gripped the waist-high metal rail that ran around the inside of the elevator with slippery hands

quote:
Then the moment passed as the elevator passed through the upper

Cut Then

Excellent example for everyone on how submitting your first 13 lines will help your prose. I really like this last version.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks guys....this has the right tone (voice) for me to continue. It probably needs a little cleaning up but that can be left for the edit--the structure and start point work for me now.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2