posted
Because the coastal ports of Morocco after the great freeze of 2032 were a noisy circus swarming with gabbing fishermen, it should have been easy for the boy to slip away and disappear forever. The silver pipelines of superconductors which hugged the shore generated too much e.m. interference to make bio-scanning flyovers useful.
It was a balmy evening on the docks and the boy went shirtless: it was slung across his shoulder like a knapsack and had something in it.
He was wiry, famished, not yet fourteen, and his right arm was shorn off a few inches below the elbow so that the scar tapered over the bone and left a ribbed patch of skin the color of paraffin wax.
[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited July 30, 2009).]
posted
I loved this begining! great main character (I hope its the main character at least) introduction. He's obviously running from something (that's a hook for me) and he seems unique.
just a couple of things;
Because the ports of Morocco after the great freeze of 2032 was (was? or were? is the Ports of Morocco not multiple ports? I honestly don't know thats why I ask) swarming with gabbing fishermen, and because the silver pipelines of superconductors which hugged the shore generated too much electro magnetic interference to make bio-scanning flyovers useful, it should have been easy for the boy to slip away and disappear for ever. (this is a rather looonnngg sentence. It flows half good, I get tripped up about 3/4 of the way through though because of the length.) It was a balmy evening on the docks and the boy went without a shirt: it was slung across his shoulder like a knapsack and had something in it. (i would cut "without a shirt" and just say "..the boy's shirt was slung across his shoulder...") Wiry, famished, and not yet fourteen, his right arm was shorn off a few inches below the elbow so the scar tapered over the bone and left a ribbed patch of skin the color of paraffin wax. (HA! I love this last sentence)
posted
This intro appeals to me the most of all the ones you've posted so far. I wouldn't mind reading the rest.
That said, I agree that the first sentence is very long, so much so that it's hard to keep track of what's going on. I like "It should have been easy for the boy to slip away and disappear forever." as its own sentence. I'm not sure how best to restructure the opening so that it can stand alone.
About the shirt: I found "and had something in it" bothered me. It almost seems like you are witholding information from the reader. It might be important, or it might not. It would bother me less if you structured it something like "his shirt was stuffed full and slung across his shoulder like a backpack." or some such.
posted
actually, again, my opinion, I had no problem not knowing what is in his shirt. My focus has been put on the fact that he is on the run and needs to get away. I easily read over the "it" in his shirt without even pausing to wonder about it. If it turns out to be something overly important later (not too later or I'll forget all about it!), perfect!
I feel like we are already immersed in the importance of the moment- he needs to get away, lets follow that, whatever is in his shirt, at this moment in time, is secondary, therefore not as important for me to know.
posted
I guess I wasn't clear. The sentence "... and has something in it." drew my attention. It seems like maybe he's stolen something and that is the reason he's on the run. If so, I would like to find this out within the next few sentences. If not, then the "something" in the shirt is important to me for no reason. A different wording might put less emphasis on it.
Of course, I might be the only one who felt that way
posted
I wrote this as an exercise in brevity, so its more of vignette than a story. If you want the rest, email me at waterchaser@msn.com or post me yours and I'll send it to you. I am going to chop those intro sentences up. And yes, there is something important in the bag. and I explain, as I said, shortly thereafter.
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