posted
There was so much color. Red, yellow orange, they mattered most, more than anything else, but there were others. Blue and green, to name two. So many colors, so much beauty and loveliness stood among the fields just outside the Hive. Where to start? Red. Red was a good color, reliable for the sweet sugary nectars with which honey would be made. The basis of life, all within that flower. That red flower. Feeling around, finding what is needed. We need it, need it for life. The sugars, the fluids that make life. Life above everything, the life of the Hive and the young and the Queen. The High Queen and Mother, the most important life. Posts: 180 | Registered: Jul 2007
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There was so much color[Where? This is a statement in a vacuum--forgivable if an explaination exists in the next sentence.]. Red, yellow orange, they mattered most, more than anything else, but there were others[ Still no explaination and further statements about colour which are unconnected to story.]. Blue and green, to name two[Still no explaination--more colours listed]. So many colors, so much beauty and loveliness stood among the fields just outside the Hive[ Ahh..some explaination, but too late.]. Where to start? [Start what?] Red. Red was a good color, reliable for the sweet sugary nectars with which honey would be made. The basis of life, all within that flower. That red flower. Feeling around, finding what is needed. We need it, need it for life. The sugars, the fluids that make life. Life above everything, the life of the Hive and the young and the Queen. The High Queen and Mother, the most important life.
The remainder from '...Red was a good...' is better, but to be honest I am not engaged. I am not certain who I am engaging with. I realise it is a bee, but nothing about character really comes through as everything you ascribe to this bee is stuff I would associate with a bee (if it could write prose).
The prose is choppy, with too many partial sentences. Some partial sentences can be effective. On rare occassions. Very rare, mind.
Also the intro is static--in that you are telling me stuff about the situation in general--but nothing active is happening.
I wouldn't read on. I can forgive both choppy sentences and static intros, but both together is too much and I would put this down.
Sorry.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 04, 2009).]
posted
I didn't get that it was the hive mind. I don't think it's clear.
As a concept, a hive mind experience has been done before--including bees--but that is irrelevant as most things have been done before.
If it is a hive mind rather than an individual bee (still not obvious to me on the re-read) then I think it needs to be done more explicitly to make that clear from the off.
posted
I didn't get that it was a hive mind either, I'm afraid. I thought single, very eloquent, slightly frantic bee.
Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2007
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But, on the other hand, the choppiness and the emphasis on single areas of colour rather than specific images reminded me of the view through a faceted eye.
Like the whole world was pointillised.
I may be reading way too much into it, (am apt to do that) but if you can fix the 'commas where periods should be' thing and preserve that feeling of a compound eye then I would be a happy reader.
I think the sense of frenetic/frantic energy comes from the lack of conjunctions, ( asyndeton -- doffs hat to extrinsic ) so consider whether you want to maintain that or not.
2c
BTW: Skadder, I am interested in the story of the bee-hive mind you mentioned, could you let me know a title or where I might find it, I did a couple of google searches but came up with nothing.
[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited September 04, 2009).]
Sounds way too familiar, OSC's Hive Queen pops into mind. (maybe because I just read Speaker for the Dead and the Ender Quartet recently) too similar: "High Queen" and OSC's "Hive Queen" although I understand any story about a hive mind or insect like experience draws comparisons with other stories of such.
In order for this to work, needs to be highly original. Andrew has some points, I immediately leaned toward it being a hive mind MC, but maybe further emphasis is needed to make this clear.
"We need it..." made it sound like a hive mind talking to me. fix the first couple sentences as others commented on. There was so much color...where? throw out blue and green, focus on he red yellow orange first mentioned. Maybe say, red tasted like ____, yellow tasted like_____, Orange tasted like____. Linking the colors with the experience the bees? alien insects? have with the colors.
Like Andrew said, the choppiness could make it work for reading like a hive mind, try experimenting with different 'eyes' seeing the same thing at once if this is your goal.
With some revisions, could work, good luck with this, I wouldn't want to try such a hard concept right now!
posted
Thanks, all. The hive mind effect is what I'm going for, but as told from one bee. She, as I imagine, would still conceive of the hive as a we, since the individual isn't the basic unit in such organisms.
Yes, I did "borrow" Card's use of we for the hive mind perspective. More specifically, I was thinking of emphasizing the capitalization of the first person plural (We) as opposed to the singular (I).
Also, having done a bit more research into the sight of bees (did you know they can see ultraviolet?)I had to cut mentions to red/orange, colors they evidently can't see. (D'oh!) ---- Here's a revision addressing some of the issues, albeit with a few (perhaps admittedly stubborn) respectful artistic disagreements:
There was so much color in the fields beyond Our Hive. Blue and yellow, they mattered most, more than anything else. Those flowers burned sweetly before Our thousands of six eyes. So many colors, so much beauty and loveliness, and it was all just outside the Hive. The day’s work started: the hunt for food. Where to start? Blue. Blue was a good color, reliable for the sweet sugary nectars with which honey would be made. The basis of life, all within that flower. That blue flower. We felt about, searched, finding what is needed. We need it, need it for life. Sweet and precious sugars, the fluids that sustain, are Our gift for the Queen, for the gift of life.
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited September 06, 2009).]
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) so consider whether you want to maintain that or not.
