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Author Topic: Wolf Dreams [first 13, looking for readers]
Foste
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All right, while I am working at Gods Die here's a little story which I wrote earlier.

It is fantasy, it has 7732 words and it's complete. So if someone is interested, I'll mail the story.

Feel free to give me your opinions!


The prey was close. The rancid spring breeze carried the faint scent of their quarry leading them through the thicket and the darkness of the night. Fang smelled fear, desperation and weariness. It was the smell of surrender which tickled his nuzzle. Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the perturbed game which would fall prey to their swift fangs. _Some game_, Fang groused. They smelled famished, as if they could die from starvation if they were toyed with long enough. Usually, Silverpelt wouldn’t disgrace himself and his brethren hunting dying prey. He would leave such dishonorable frivolities to carrion birds, but times were different and the hunger grew every day; it grew relentless and unbearable. Fang understood Silverpelt's sentiments too well.

Correction Nr.1:

The prey was close. The rancid spring breeze carried the scent of their quarry leading them through the thicket and the darkness of the night. Fang smelled fear, desperation and weariness. It was the smell of surrender which tickled his nuzzle. Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the perturbed game which would fall prey to their swift fangs. _Some game_, Fang groused. Their smell was repulsing, as if they could die from starvation if the pack toyed with them long enough. Usually, Silverpelt wouldn’t disgrace himself and his brethren hunting dying prey. He would leave such dishonorable frivolities to carrion birds, but times were different and the hunger grew every day, it grew relentless and unbearable. Fang understood Silverpelts sentiments too well.

Correction Nr.2:

The prey was close. The rancid spring breeze carried the rancid scent of their quarry leading them through the thicket and the darkness of the night. Fang smelled fear, desperation and weariness. It was the smell of surrender which tickled his muzzle. Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the wounded hind which would fall prey to their swift fangs. Some game, Fang groused. Its smell was repulsing. Usually, Silverpelt wouldn’t disgrace himself and his brethren hunting dying prey. He would leave such to carrion birds, but times were different and the hunger grew every day, it grew unbearable. Fang understood Silverpelts sentiments too well. He saw many of his brothers and sisters in fits of hunger. Some would go so far and attack their own kin. They had no choice. They had to give them the gift of

[This message has been edited by Foste (edited December 06, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Foste (edited December 06, 2009).]


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Phobos
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quote:
The prey was close. The rancid[['rancid does not really seem an appropriate adjective here especially when compared to 'faint scent']] spring breeze carried the faint scent of their quarry leading them through the thicket and the darkness of the night. Fang smelled fear, desperation and weariness. It was the smell of surrender which tickled his nuzzle. Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the perturbed game which would fall prey to their swift fangs. _Some game_, Fang groused. They smelled famished[[How can they smell famished? doesn't really fit to me]], as if they[[there is some subject confusion with this'they' and the last'they' I am uncertain if you are referring to the hunters or the prey.]]could die from starvation if they[[same here]] were[[tense confusion-had been]] toyed with long enough. Usually, Silverpelt wouldn’t disgrace himself and his brethren hunting dying prey. He would leave such dishonorable frivolities to carrion birds, but times were different and the hunger grew every day; it grew relentless and unbearable. Fang understood Silverpelt's sentiments too well.

I really liked this, but the writing felt a bit clumsy. Repetition and some subject-verb agreement made this a little confusing to read.

The use of senses was touched upon here but lacked balance. While smell was touched upon I felt at a lack for visual cues and sounds. I found myself wanting to hear twigs break, leaves underfoot, the pack panting and growling. I wanted to see the colour of leaves(was it Fall? Summer?) the notion of famine invokes the dead of winter but it could also be due to drought, biological plague, nuclear fallout, or any number of things. Clues about temperature etc... could help defray some of these questions.

I would be glad to look this over if you like.


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Foste
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Okay I re-worked the first 13 a bit.

Thanks for the suggestion concerning more vivid imagines Phobos, I'll incorporate those in the following lines.

A bit weird I must admit - in Gods Die I have too much descriptions

And thanks, I'll send you the whole story.


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arriki
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The rancid spring breeze – No. Doesn’t work. You’d have to spend some time to prove that a spring breeze IS rancid. On the other hand the scent of their quarry could be rancid.

What is a nuzzle? You mean a muzzle?

Give us a name for what they’re hunting.

Now, Silverpelt is the pack leader, right?
Why would Fang, as a member of the pack, refer to them as Silverpelt…himself and his brethren? Sounds like Fang is an outsider that way.

No “perturbed” game. Wrong word entirely.

I think – my opinion – you spend too much time on the wrong details.
I rearranged and cut some things. This is not likely where your story is going, but does it stick to the story more?

Their prey was close. The spring breeze carried the rancid scent of their quarry. Fang smelled fear, desperation and weariness. Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the wounded antelope. Its smell was repulsing. Usually, Silverpelt wouldn’t disgrace the pack hunting dying prey. He would leave such to carrion birds, but times were different and the pack’s hunger grew every day. Fang’s own belly hurt from gnawing bark to quell the pangs of hunger. Better an antelope itself starving and full of worms than to turn on the weakest of the pack for their next meal. Fang understood Silverpelt’s sentiments too well


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Foste
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Thank you arriki, I cut the text this time around and adapted to the changes you suggested (I turned the antelope into a hind).

Fang is a bit of an outsider so that sentence was intentional.

Now with the cuts I'd made new lines made it into the first 13.


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Bent Tree
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quote:
The prey was close.

Good opening line.

quote:
The rancid spring breeze carried the rancid scent of their quarry leading them through the thicket and the darkness of the night.

Something smells...well, rancid here. I think the repetition of rancid here destroys this sentence.

quote:
Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the wounded hind

Why say soon? Keep us in the story. Keep our hearts pounding by keeping us in the moment.

quote:
Soon the pack would spread out and encircle the wounded hind

How are times different. It seems alot of wasted words here. Why not say..."since the blizzard" or whatever event that led to this time of famine?

quote:
Fang understood Silverpelts sentiments

What were Silverpelt's sentiments. I feel this is leading to a big info dump. There is a lot of expo here. It makes me feel the story starts at the wrong place.

Overall I really like this. I would turn the page once this is polished a bit. I would be more inclined to do so if the story stayed on course. The info dumping kinda derails it a bit.


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