posted
I’ve been working in Opportunity for close to thirty years and have found a talent for guessing peoples needs.
The door tinkled as the kid came in. He was taller then me and more built. Supressed anger radiated from him as if he was used to getting his way and now was learning the hard facts of life. Probably a romantic problem, that seemed to be the only thing kids have now a days, the only problem kids seemed to worry about.
“Can I help you?” I asked. The kid glared at me as he walked back. Shrugging, I resumed my post. “I’ll be here if you need me.”
[This message has been edited by Spencer Thurgood (edited December 29, 2009).]
posted
This is why I love these sites. I've read over this thing a good three or four times and hadn't picked out stuff like that. Thanks so much. Fixing them now.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2009
| IP: Logged |
posted
You have this out of order – in my opinion. First you have the topic of the kid. Then you switch to the pov commenting on himself and then (new paragraph) back to the kid.
I would suggest either removing the – I had been working…walked in – or put that first in its own paragraph.
Look how it would go.
I have been working for close to thirty years in (name of store) and in that time I have developed a talent for guessing what people need as they walk in. When the bells on the door tinkled and this kid walked in, I thought, a romance problem. That seems to be the only problem kids have now a days, the only thing kids his age seemed to really worry about.
The kid stood a couple inches taller then myself and was built more then I had been at that age. The jacket and the way he put on an air of confidence and anger confirmed that he was used to having things done his way. Now he was facing some fact of life he didn't like.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 27, 2009).]
posted
I was reviewing both my rewrite and your original and noticed a disturbing pattern in both.
...thirty years in this store AND in that time... ...then [than] myself AND was built more then [than]... ...confidence AND anger confirmed that he was used to having things done his way AND now was facing...
That is three consecutive sentences using and. Not usually a good thing to do.
posted
This also addresses the problem of too many compound sentences in a row. I don't think you can really have confidence AND anger at the same moment.
I have it wrong, too. Try this arrangement –
I have been working for close to thirty years in (name of store). In that time I developed a talent for guessing what people need as they walk in. When the bells on the door tinkled today, this kid walked in. He stood a couple inches taller than me and was built more solidly than I was at his age. I suspected from his quietly suppressed anger that he was used to having things done his way. Now he was facing some fact of life he didn't like.
A romance problem, I thought. That seems to be the only problem kids his age really worried about these days.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 29, 2009).]
posted
The "taller than myself" thing bothers me - "myself" is a reflexive term and used way more than it should be. There is nothing wrong with just plain old "me".
I feel like information is being witheld from me here, the way you are telling us that the narrator has this "feeling" for what people want yet you don't tell us what store this is... withholding information is not hooking, on the contrary it tends to be annoying. As a result, I'm not hooked: all I know is that some kid, about whom I know nothing, has walked into a store, about which I know nothing, even though the guy behind the counter who's telling me this knows all about the store and tells me he knows all about everyone who walks in to the store, too...
posted
I find the not knowing interesting; my problems with this are more or less purely with phrasing and structure.
For instance
quote:I had been working for close to thirty years in this store
Would probably sound clearer as "I had been working in this store (or perhaps "place) nearly thirty years."
Likewise:
quote:He stood a couple inches taller then myself and was built more then I had been at that age.
Something like, "he was a little taller than me, and solidly built" or something similar would probably be smoother.
quote:The jacket and the way he put on an air of confidence and anger confirmed that he was used to having things done his way and now was facing the facts of life.
What about this gives the impression that he's "now facing the facts of life?"
I like where I think this is going, and I think theres a good voice in there somewhere but the order and structure of phrases and wording could use smoothing.
posted
As far as withholding information goes I am trying to place you in the moment without weighing the reader down with usless information.
As far as wording goes, I am reading all your tips and would agree with most of it, I felt it was choppy but I couldn't figure out what exactly was choppy about it. I'll work on it tonight and revise in the morning.
[This message has been edited by Spencer Thurgood (edited December 29, 2009).]
posted
Spencer - it's all very well trying to place the reader "in the moment" - but from my personal viewpoint, with the information I have available, the moment doesn't appear to be interesting, because I have no context beyond, basically "I work in a store and a guy comes in". If (as you imply) the nature of the store and other information I mentioned are "useless" then I wonder if this story is starting where it should start.
Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
