posted
I had last seen Anna two hundred years ago, but there wasn’t a day gone by that I didn’t think of her. I stared at the stein-high holo-ad dancing on the bar in front of me. It was advertising that evening’s entertainment and there she was, still beautiful and still dancing. I knew she would never forget our last meeting, now matter how long she lived, but I wondered if she had ever learned to forgive. I sipped the genuine Bushmills, Black Bush, Earth whiskey Quince always laid out for me, (brewed in select Spanish sherry-seasoned oak casks). It’s his way of thanking me for never questioning what’s in the sealed containers I deliver every two cycles; the ones marked “Toiletries”. He just signs the manifest, tells Slime to “Put ‘em in the back,” then winks and pours me a shot.
Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2010
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posted
This seems disjointed. The two paragraphs have little if anything to do with each other. It's like you tried real hard for that hook at the expense of a seemless flow.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I think the order of the paragraphs is ok, but it would flow better if we start with the second one, then have the holo-ad appear while he's drinking.
Aside from this, there were two spots where I stumbled:
"stein-high" didn't read naturally for me, so I read it wrong (stain-high), then had to re-read. That one might just be me. "I sipped the genuine Bushmills, Black Bush, Earth whiskey Quince always laid out for me, (brewed in select Spanish sherry-seasoned oak casks)." didn't feel like something that someone would actually say in a narative, unless they were doing a commercial. The commas in the whiskey name chop up the flow, and mentioning the oak casks made the later "sealed containers" feel like a redundant echo. Otherwise, you hooked me a couple of ways.
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