High pitched screeching woke Duncan Edgar from his revere.
“I’m sorry to bother you, Dr. Edgar.” said Tanya. “Everything seems to be a go.”
“Seems to be – what do you mean?” queried Duncan Edgar.
From the lab window, he saw the shiny whiteness of the Ronald Pew Foundation Laboratory. The Pew foundation had been very generous in funding Duncan Edgar’s lab. With good reason, they took a keen interest in his promising research. Time Magazine, Scientific American, and Science reported his innovative work. Duncan’s primary focus was genetic change. He was now fulfilling his dream of finding the genetic Holy Grail. Breaking apart the human genome and putting DNA to practical uses showed his technological mastery.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 11, 2010).]
posted
A spelling mistae on the first line is never a good sign - revere should be reverie.
You tease us with the screeching (which I'm guessing ISN'T from Tanya, though it reads that way), then you teases us with "what do you mean?", but then move into a long and frankly dull infodump/backstory, leaving us hanging on an answer to the question. For me, that doesn't work at all.
posted
I agree with the other guy, cut the science talk and get to the story. The science talk is vague and meaningless and only tells us that he is putting human DNA into animals. This is not an original concept. I am a biochemist and know a bit about genetic engineering. I can look over your story if you would like.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited February 10, 2010).]
posted
I think setting the scene/surroundings a little more could be good, such as knowing where the screeching is coming from.
The science info is a bit dense. I think, personally, that I would use a mix of dialogue and internal thoughts probably proceeding dialogue to convey the information in a way that also lets in a slightly more balanced mix of characterization and scene setting.
I'd suggest maybe keep the first of the two blocks, then reveal some of the specifics of Duncan's goals via dialogue with Tanya.
Its very well written though and I think the voice is good for this sort of story.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 10, 2010).]
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