posted
I'm unsure how to start this story. I know I should probably start with the scene, but I really like the set up as well. Should I start with the scene and then work in the set up after the scene?
General critique is also welcomed. If you would like me to read one of your first 13, please say so. I am all for returning the favor.
SET UP OPENING
Angry at the world, at the way it was, at the way it was not. Angry because of all the suffering, the sickness, the poverty. Angry at God for not doing anything about it. Angry at himself for not being smarter, stronger, better than he was. Angry at being lied to and cheated. Angry for having a dead-beat job, or an unfaithful lover. Angry because he didn't have the power to change it, or because he was too scared to change it. Just angry because being angry was so damn easy.
No other emotion possessed him like anger, transformed him into a different person, so that they saw a monster. No, the monster.
If there was a ruler of darkness, if there was a leader of demons, his name was Anger. This was his story as much as it was Johnny's.
SCENE OPENING
Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What? Did I not put it on right?"
She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head. "You really going to wear that one?"
She could never just leave him alone about how he dressed. She always had something to complain about. "I like this tie."
"Okay, geez, don't get angry."
Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Angry?" He spun around and stared her in the eyes. "You want to see me angry, huh? You want me to get pissed off? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
quote:Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What? Did I not put it on right?"
"Did I not put it on right?" is too formal, and your MC doesn't strike me as the formal kinda guy. It also doesn't really fit, as he is asking for input, which further down the page he clearly doesn't want. Just a derisive "What" or "What now" works.
quote:She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head. "You really going to wear that one?"
Good description here. It gets me into the character's head.
quote:She could never just leave him alone about how he dressed. She always had something to complain about. "I like this tie."
I'm not getting anger here. I'm getting something kind of whiny, actually. It's the "just leave him alone" phrase that's doing it to me. I can't really explain it, but that's my gut reaction. It just doesn't connect with the rest of the 13 for me.
quote:"Okay, geez, don't get angry."
So far, we've seen internal displays of emotion, but nothing external. You have him swearing and doing violence in his thoughts, but his speaking is quite restrained. So, while the reader knows Johnny is angry, we don't see why Sarah would know he is.
quote:Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Angry?" He spun around and stared her in the eyes. "You want to see me angry, huh? You want me to get pissed off? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
I have to be honest: When I saw "Angry?" the very next words that came into my mind were "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." The whole "You want to see me angry" bit strikes me as generic. But, I do like the last two sentences, as they also give some insight into the character's personality. So, what if you eliminated Johnny's dialog before that:
quote:Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
posted
Hmmm. I'm having trouble reading the context for this. I like the first one a little better only because I feel a little more sense of whats being led up to, and more of a hint of speculative element (although if this is the kind of story I think it may be, not having a speculative element right out front is understandable or even unavoidable.)
In the second one, I feel his "I like this tie" isn't in itself enough to provoke the "geez don't get angry" response. I'd recomend ramping up both characters early dialogue and reactions a bit...at the moment, for me, his tantrum at the end of the fragment seems to come a bit more out of the blue than I figure you are intending.
But, at this point, I don't have a strong enough idea of where the story is heading to give more useful insight.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 10, 2010).]
posted
Thank you everyone. I will comment on your stories if you have any up.
Here is a rewrite of the scene. I think it works much better now, thanks to your advice.
PART TWO
Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What now?"
She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head. "You really going to wear that one?"
She always had something to complain about. "God, stop hovering."
"Okay, geez. Just calm down, Mr. Angry."
Adrenaline shot through Johnny as he slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "You're trying to piss me off, huh? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
She backed into the closet, as if trying to get as far from him as possible.
posted
Very nice. Still lacks an obvious speculative element but I think its a more realistic and involving depiction of what it is now, which compensates.
Edit: I would mention though, although it isnt a big deal, usually for convience you put all your versions up top in the first post.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 10, 2010).]
posted
The good new is that only a few paragraphs after the first 13, you will find the speculative element.
When Johnny went crashing into the doorway that led into the bathroom, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the wall mirror. He thought he saw a stranger, and seeing that dampened his anger.
Damn, Johnny, what are you doing? Even his thoughts sounded foreign to him.
posted
Hi, Some very nice dialogue in the second version and it’s perfectly clear what’s happening. You’ve done a very nice job of characterising Johnny, but it is a risk to have such an apparently unlikeable character up front. No matter how nagging Sarah is, it doesn’t justify his response, so it’s a bit risk. Regards, Nick
quote:Johnny gripped his tie hard and slipped the knot into place
I feel “hard” is redundant given the “gripped”.
quote:as Sarah peered over his shoulder, like an annoying, curious child. "What? Did I not put it on right?"
For me, this simile doesn’t quite add enough to justify its inclusion. Personal reaction obviously, but I’d cut it.
quote:She gave him a face of disgust that he wanted to slap right off her damn head.
For me, the “face of disgust” isn’t specific enough and it doesn’t quite sound right. How about “He wanted to slap the disgusted look right off her damn head”?
quote:Johnny slammed his fist on the bathroom sink, rattling the mirror on the joining wall. "Angry?" He spun around and stared her in the eyes. "You want to see me angry, huh? You want me to get pissed off? Then keep talking, honey. Just keep flapping those stupid, rubbery lips of yours."
Loved this paragraph, especially the dialogue. Character revealed superbly.
quote: She backed into the closet , as if trying to get as far from him as possible.
The section in bold, I feel, is redundant. We can imply her motives in backing away.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 10, 2010).]
posted
Use them both. Srsly, use first the general opening, then the bathroom opening. The first one i can't say it picks my interest by a lot, but it kinda works if you throw the second one after it.
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