posted
When my friend started talking of fairies, I figured she wanted to bring me into a new game of hers.
"Mary! I really saw one," Connie insisted.
"A fairy?" I asked, wishing she'd change the subject.
"Yes, of course!" She twirled and clapped her hands. Somehow, the actions looked appropriate in her bedroom. I'd never liked her pink walls and lacy bedspread; but, hey, friends accept each others' little quirks. So what if she should've grown out of the girly fantasy stage years ago? She's a good person.
Connie giggled then dropped onto the hideous bed with her arms splayed out to her sides. "She was amazing. So tiny. So beautiful."
She's a good person, I reminded myself. Kind. Cheerful. Making
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Complete at 1,600 words. Comments on the first 13 are welcome. I'd also like readers of the entire story.
posted
It nicely written, flows well. Faeries aren't my thing unless dark, and you've given no hints of that.
I would have paragraphed differently:
"A fairy?" I asked, wishing she'd change the subject.
"Yes, of course!" She twirled and clapped her hands.
Somehow, the actions looked appropriate in her bedroom. I'd never liked her pink walls and lacy bedspread; but, hey, friends accept each others' little quirks. So what if she should've grown out of the girly fantasy stage years ago? She's a good person.
Connie giggled then dropped onto the hideous bed with her arms splayed out to her sides. "She was amazing. So tiny. So beautiful."
I think a paragraph attached to dialogue should reflect actions and thoughts of the speaker, but you carried on with your thoughts and opinions--not the speaker's. You may have done this get what you wanted in the 13 lines, but I thought I'd point it out just incase it wasn't purposeful.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 06, 2010).]
posted
Thanks, skadder. I agree with you about paragraph breaks.
The story is gray (rather than cheery or dark) and isn't so much about fairies than the relationship between these two characters. Does anyone want to read the rest?
posted
Doesn't look like you got a lot of bites -- hate it when that happens. It's a bit out of my genre, but I'll read it.
Posts: 78 | Registered: Sep 2009
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posted
Sent the entire story to Dropbear, Nick T, and Merlion-Emrys. Thanks for the offers, guys. Respond whenever you can.
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posted
I was curious to find out what was going on. I liked your depiction of Connie's belief and sense of enchantment. Mary is disciminating, with concern to Connie (or, "judgmental," depending on one's point of view).
Maybe fill in the scene with even sharper details?
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