1st 13 as below, any crits on the whole thing appreciated.
Version 1
Only a suicidal fool would enter a parasite block on the brink of falling. The block had tumoured on the outside of an abandoned skyscraper and its growth had leached the supporting wall as soft as cake. As long as someone might be inside though, Gary guessed he was that fool. The entire building shuddered at each step. Inside the last room, a woman sat slumped on a bone chair, her long hair hiding her face. He wrinkled his nose at the sour milk stink of God-dust in her sweat. No wonder she didn’t notice the building shaking. <You need to leave,> he sent, followed by his police credentials. She raised her head. Emma? It couldn’t be. She’d killed herself two years ago.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 02, 2010).]
posted
This looks familiar. Is it related to Boaters?
The first sentence feels long, but that might be me. Think you need commas after skyscraper & inside. Might want to split up the 2nd paragraph:
quote: The entire building shuddered at each step. Inside the last room, a woman sat slumped on a bone chair, her long hair hiding her face. He wrinkled his nose at the sour milk stink (should those 3 words be hyphenated?) of God-dust in her sweat. No wonder she didn’t notice the building shaking.
<You need to leave,> he sent, followed by his police credentials.
She raised her head.
Emma? It couldn’t be. She’d killed herself two years ago.
I like the overall feel, you have tension with the potential block collapse, and finding Emma feels like the incident that gets the ball rolling.
I'll read if you'd like, but it will be next weekend before I can get it back to you.
posted
I tend to agree with the point above about re-paragraping. You've got a very dense opening with a lot of oddness in it and spacing it out gives us a little more breathing speace to absorb everything.
Other than that, I like it. Lots to keep me involved.
posted
I had a hard time reading it the first time. The first sentence really through me. The mention of a parasite block stopped my reading as I had to think about what that could possibly be. I read the first sentence several times and then moved on to the second and then had to read that one several times. Just as the idea of blocks that attach themselves to buildings and make it unstable settled in I thrown for another loop with the mention of the sour mild stink of God-dust and someone named Emma who was supposed to be dead.
posted
Actually I think this sentence structure works better.
quote:The parasite block had tumoured on the outside of an abandoned skyscraper and its growth had leached the supporting wall as soft as cake. Only a suicidal fool would enter a blocked building on the brink of falling. As long as someone might be inside though, Gary guessed he was that fool.
You could also move my first sentence to the end of that paragraph, but this just flowed better for me.
If you need a third I can take a look at it.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 03, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 03, 2010).]
posted
The opening line is intriguing and I like the concept of parasitic concrete<?). The prose is mush in places, keeping me from seeing this clearly. On first read, I interpret that the fool is the one on the brink of falling. Parasite block is too new a concept for me to make that connection immediately. "Enter" is probably the wrong word here, too. Since block can mean a neighborhood block, "entering" it puts me into that mode of thought. For me, you need to find a sharp way to make me clearly see the nature of this "block" right away. Projection might work. Buttress may be too specific. Ledge implies more structure, perhaps, but maybe an angled ledge?
I like tumoured as verb, but leached piles on for me. I'd prefer tumored, leaching construction, which would make "and its growth" unnecessary.
Gary guessed he was that fool, comes too late. I've forgotten all about the opening sentence by then. The parasitic concrete concept is too cool. You might salvage this by making it direct thought or even speach. "I guess I am that fool," Gary muttered, stepping onto the uneven surface (and maybe a sharp specific detail of that surface - how does tumor contrast regular stonework?)
I'd suggest having the building shudder at his initial step only. That gives that first step a sense of escalation. The story starts with that step, in a sense. If it's just one of many steps, it's far less interesting (in the moment).
Inside the last room leaves too much out. For this to work, we need a sense of his objective, an escalation of his progress in that objective, a potential complication. As it stands it's too glib for me.
When she raises her head, he should SEE a familiar detail that creates his recognition response. Stimulus-response. Killed herself two years ago is a nice little shock.
Good job conceptually. Needs more work at the prose level, i think.
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