posted
I am just now begining the story I mentiond in my "Musicians, Instruments and Atlantis" thread. It's intended as a suitable submission for both the Pill Hill Press Quest for Atlantis anthology and/or the Music for Another World anthology. Here, I'm trying to establish a nice sense of place and create a strong visual while adding a little "promise of a problem" at the end. Thoughts welcome, offers to read it all once complete even better.
As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. It was a night with no moon, but floating crystals of many shapes provided light in a spectrum of hues. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments. He caressed the strings of his harp, announcing the start of a new song and creating a shining cascade, like water made of light and melody, all around them. The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, gasped in appreciation from the marble terraces all around them. The song continued, melody and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream of fear cut across the music.
Second version
It was a night with no moon, but floating crystal spindles, spheres and cubes provided light in a spectrum of hues. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments. As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. He caressed the strings of his harp, announcing the start of a new song and creating a shining cascade, like water made of light and melody, all around them. The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, applauded in appreciation from the marble terraces all around them. The song continued, music and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream cut across the music.
Third Version
It was a night with no moon, but floating crystal spindles, spheres and cubes provided light in a spectrum of hues. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments. As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. He caressed the strings of his harp, creating a shining cascade like water made of light and melody all around them as many voices rose in harmony. The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, applauded from the marble terraces all around them. The song continued, music and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream cut across the music.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 11, 2010).]
posted
The only (somewhat nitpicky) thing I can think of off the top of my head is that you use melody three times -- twice as the word itself, and once more as unmelodious. I'd be careful of repeating primary words like that, especially in such a short time frame. Unmelodious also kind of breaks the pace for me; I think it'd read better without it -- just "until a scream of fear cut across the music" is jarring enough as it is.
As for your goal, you establish setting pretty well. I liked the crystals and the use of color, although it'd be nice if we had an idea of what these people (I'm assuming they're people) are -- for a while, until I thought about what you said in another thread, I had weird seahorse creatures in my head, playing their music. I don't know that everyone would get the same image, but it is a touch ambiguous. Maybe that doesn't turn out to be a problem, but just using the word people in there somewhere would solve it, in my opinion. Not sure where it'd fit, mind you.
[This message has been edited by D2 (edited January 11, 2010).]
posted
I like the first paragraph - it creates an interesting setting with some great imagery.
I didn't like the term "gasped in appreciation" because what they were gasping at felt hidden (probably something in the previous paragraph, but what?), while the rest of the sentence had an infodump feel. Having melody and unmelodious in the same sentence didn't work - it felt like a word repeat. Also, adding "of fear" after the scream seemed a little redundant.
On the theme, Music for Another World, I note that a key requirement is "stories that are intellectually exciting". This means that you need to have something to say about the theme, specifically about the role or nature of music. By your opening paragraph, you may have something in mind. However, if it is simply that music is part of a magic system, I am not sure that this would sufficiently exciting. This is largely because music, as a whole, and songweavers, bards, chants, songbirds and crystal voices have often been part of magic systems, in numerous books. It would require some real innovation, and some deep conceptual revelations to make such a system "intellectually exciting". What are your thoughts in mind?
quote:On the theme, Music for Another World, I note that a key requirement is "stories that are intellectually exciting". This means that you need to have something to say about the theme, specifically about the role or nature of music.
Well, all he says is the stories must be intellectually exciting. What his particular notion of that is isn't really expanded upon, so its really just another one of those wonderfull totally subjective things editors stick into submission guidlines for us to worry over.
He also says music must be integral to the story...I sent him a story where I, at least, felt that was the case but he rejected it, saying he liked it and it was well written but not a fit for the collection.
So I'm not really worrying to much about it...this story is already more or less fully formed in my mind, so I will write it, and it will be what it will be. I appreciate everyones thoughts so far though, it seems I'm not to far off the mark here so far.
In answer to your question though, it isn't just "music is magic in Atlantis"...there is more "regular" magic as well, and both are simply Arts which stem from the spirit. Eventually the characters attempt to aqquire a lost, and very powerful song-spell...and well I dont want to detail the entire plot here, but I think it fits the themes of both anthologies pretty well.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited January 12, 2010).]
posted
Nice start - you do a good job creating that sense of place. It's probably just personal preference, but I think the opening might work better if you reverse the first two sentences:
quote:It was a night with no moon, but floating crystals of many shapes provided light in a spectrum of hues. As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments...
It helps me ease into it visually to first know about the night, the moon, & the lighting - it's almost like a fade-in, then you build everything else from there.
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posted
Yeah you may actually be right about that. Once I amass a few more comments I will probably do a wee bitsy bit of tweaking and re-arranging for best effect.
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As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. It was a night with no moon, but floating crystals of many shapes provided light in a spectrum of hues.
The "of many shapes" bug me. Could you be more specific?
Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments.
I don't think this is necessary. Maybe combine and simplify the last two sentences.
He caressed the strings of his harp, announcing the start of a new song and creating a shining cascade, like water made of light and melody, all around them.
I like this.
The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, gasped in appreciation from the marble terraces all around them.
I don't like the word gasped. Applauded would read less cheesy, in my opinion.
The song continued, melody and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream of fear cut across the music.
Suggest changing the first melody to harmony, cadence, etc.... I really like unmelodious scream, ( ditch -of fear) it really shows Xeris's attitude.
posted
I like both but the second version is stronger.
My only nit, and it may not apply, is the word 'glinted'. From my experience playing brass instruments I am dying for that to say 'reflected' so it will better match the picture in my head and be what feels to me to be a more accurate description. But I don't know what the instruments are made of so that may not apply at all.
Also, would 'City' be capitalized? If I speak of the people in the city of Los Angeles it's not capped, is it? I'm not sure.
posted
I think the city of Los Angeles isn't capped, but Gotham City is. It depends if it is part of the name.
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posted
Some random thoughts on the second version. I haven't read others comments so maybe I'm repeating them.
I had to stop and read the first sentence three times, but then I sort of understand the point of it and I'm not sure what pulled me out. Maybe it's the 'but' - are the clauses at odds with one another? Maybe it's the light-objects-light structure of it (as opposed to light-light-objects, ie "It was a night with no moon, and light in a spectrum of hues glowed from floating crystal spindles, spheres and cubes.")
The next bugbear was with 'song'. Once again, I may have it wrong, but as a former muso I find 'song' to be fairly restricted to music that is sung; this opening refers to instruments but never to voice. I think it either needs voice added, or the term 'song' to be replaced. Of course, you can use the term 'song' on an instrumental piece, Mendelssohn did, but even then it was with a nod to voice, in his Songs Without Words.
I suspect 'in appreciation' is redundant. The conflict on the last line seems too sharp (it seems the song needs more building) but may be that way just for the 13 line version, so I'm not bothered by it.
I'd offer to read but I'm not sure how long this is - I'm trying to manage my current workload and don't want to overcommit.
posted
Now while it may be agreeable to hear such sounds in your partner--and ego-flattering--I doubt that they are commonly tuneful (if authentic!).
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quote:The next bugbear was with 'song'. Once again, I may have it wrong, but as a former muso I find 'song' to be fairly restricted to music that is sung; this opening refers to instruments but never to voice. I think it either needs voice added, or the term 'song' to be replaced. Of course, you can use the term 'song' on an instrumental piece, Mendelssohn did, but even then it was with a nod to voice, in his Songs Without Words.
Hmm. Well I don't know about classical too much, but in popular music (rock etc) all compositions are generally called songs and most of them involve both voice and instruments.
What would you suggest replacing it? (I don't think im going to, because I think most people hear "song" and think "piece of music of any kind" but I'm curious.)
Already removed appreciation in the manuscript.
quote:I'd offer to read but I'm not sure how long this is
I'm not either...its still a work in progress. I'll let you know (and update this thread with a wordcount) when its finished and we can see how things are then. Thanks for the offer.
quote:but in popular music (rock etc) all compositions are generally called songs and most of them involve both voice and instruments
It's my understanding that providing they're sung, they're songs. Even if the guitar solo is really, really long Mind you, and not knowing the story, I had thought a voice might add to the atmosphere of your musical opening anyway.
quote:What would you suggest replacing it? (I don't think im going to, because I think most people hear "song" and think "piece of music of any kind" but I'm curious.)
If you can paint the musical effect and ambience to have a lyrical quality, I can't see 'song' really bothering anyone. It's certainly the most easily recognised colloquial term, as opposed to the crustier terminology of classical music. A glossary of musical terms might suggest some alternatives, but in calling it a capriccio, fugue or nocturne the story may assume too much in the musical vocabulary of your audience and/or read as pretentious.
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posted
Yeah I looked it up and the dictionary does define "song" as lyrical/vocal...however, again, in actual usage more or less everyone uses "song" to mean more or less any musical composition aside from a full blown symphony.
Also, think of it this way...even though I don't specifically depict anyone singing, doesn't, that all being the case, the use of the word "song" thereby imply there is singing going on?
I just dont know if I have room, as it stands, to work in the mention of a voice and keep my "hook" at the end within the 1st 13 lines. And as you say, going into more specific musical terminology (assuming Atlanteans even use those terms) has its issues as well.
posted
Being a long time amateur musician the "idea" of this work would keep me reading. I didn't catch the scream until the second reading because I had already begun to skim ahead. Placing it sooner might engage readers less interested in the topic of music more reliably. In that comment I'm assuming that the scream is not part of the performance and is a bellweather for the story actually beginning.
Perhaps a term like "dissonant" might read smoother than "unmelodious" if the intent is to show a clash of the scream with the other music. Something like "atonal" would convey a lack of musical quality that doesn't necessarily clash with the music being performed. "Scream" by itself is probably enough unless there's something special about the scream, since generally screams are not considered melodic (although they do exist in music).
[This message has been edited by dee_boncci (edited January 14, 2010).]
posted
Merlion, I think you're wrong about how most people use the word song, and I think it specifically and very strongly implies vocals (non-vocal pieces are generally called "instrumentals" precisely to differentiate them from something with a lyrical/sung component). "Song" also normally implies a reasonable brevity, a single piece usually no more than a few minutes in length - "Roundabout", by yes, is a song because it is a few minutes long. But I've never heard anyone refer to one of the four 25-or-so-minute components of "Tales From Topographic Oceans" (orginally a double album, so each track/piece was the length of one side of vinyl) as a "song".
"Work" or "piece" or "opus" are probably the normal and more generic terms for what I think you are describing here.
posted
I can offer a read Merlion...however I qualify that offer by noting that I also will be doing WOTF group crits and I am travelling for the next three weeks. I think my travel status (bored in a hotel room) will actually allow more crit/reading times but I wont know until this upcoming week.
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posted
Thats fine, I'll send it to you. The deadline for the Atlantis antho is the end of Feb. Thanks.
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posted
I've added a slightly different version of the intro and also revised the story somewhat. It now stands at just over 3,900 words. Anybody interested in a look at the new one let me know.
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