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I guess I should apologize for not checking out other people's works in Fragments and Feedback, but I've been busy trying to finish up another story and determined to make it my first submission. But now that it's in rest mode, I've gone back to one of my other stories. I've decided it's time to finish some of these and start submitting. So here goes:
The larger moon's silvery light created deep shadows along one side of the Pavilion. Jeram crept against its long dark wall with hopes to be gone before the smaller moon added her light to her sister's. He knew he should trust the council, but Toka faced exile if the vote turned against him in a decision that would affect the whole tribe.
Jeram's eyes swept the clearing all the way to the forest. Praise the Spirits, he saw no one. His heart leaped when his back fell into the side door's recess. Still no reaction from the sentries posted at either end of the Pavilion. His eyes remained on the clearing while his hands groped for the lock. Spirits above, where was it? Then his fingers traced the familiar shape and guided the key into the slot. He faced the door, turned the
No major nits, though I do have a few queries. As with the others, I enjoyed this opening; nice and smooth. Regards, Nick
quote: Jeram crept against its long dark wall with hopes to be gone before the smaller moon added her light to her sister's.
Given we know the moon is creating deep shadows by the side of the pavilion, do you need to repeat that it’s dark?
quote: He knew he should trust the council, but Toka faced exile if the vote turned against him in a decision that would affect the whole tribe.
The section in bold, for me, was the part where it turned from smooth insertion of facts into a possible info-dump. To my mind, the vote and the exile of Toka is enough facts to create the hook at the moment. Others may want more info.
quote:Priase the Spirits
Minor typo.
quote: His heart leaped when his back fell into the side door's recess.
Is this the right word? When I think of hearts “leaping”, I think of a sudden shock (i.e. he is calm and then something takes him by surprise). Perhaps “hammered” is a better word? This implies he is nervous and his tension peaks right when he falls back into the recess.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 10, 2010).]
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Nathaniel and Devnal; Thanks so much for your kind words, but the improvement in my writing has come mostly through this forum. I owe so much to everyone who has answered my rookie questions and opened my eyes through the helpful posts here on Hatrack. I'm so fortunate to have found this site. You guys are great.
Hey Nick. Good to hear from you. Glad you like my opening, too, LOL, and you're right. I try to watch where I might be telling things twice. The "long dark wall" was one I missed. Good eye, my friend.
I went back and forth on whether to put in or leave out "in a decision that would affect the whole tribe." The future of the tribe probably was very much on Jeram's mind, but his main concern is Toka's welfare. Toka is like a big brother to Jeram, and they're very close friends. Yes, I bring out how the tribal council's vote will affect the tribe's future later on but wasn't sure if Toka's exile would be enough of a hook. It does flow better without the additional explanation.
I caught the typo and changed it before I read your reply. I typed the first 13 in instead of cutting and pasting this time and missed the typo before I posted it.
How about "skipped" instead of "leaped"?... "His heart skipped when his back fell into the side door's recess." ...I decided not to go with "skipped a beat" to make it sound less cliche.
Thanks again everyone. It's nice to know I'm on the right track. I'll be asking for readers once I'm finished with this draft. I'm slow, so it may be awhile .
I don't like 'Jeram's eyes swept the clearing'. Jeram--if he had a broom--could sweep the clearing making the verb's usage murky in my eyes. It also feels like someone is observing his eyes and watching them sweeping.
I would re-think it, trying to get a little deeper in the POV. Suggestions:
Jeram examined the...
Jeram scanned the...
Jerram checked the...
Also 'his eyes remained on the clearing while...'
I think I have issue with the use of eyes when in fact you merely want to say what he was looking at. It's a pretty common way of doing it, but I don't like it because it feels clunky.
Suggestions:
While he groped for the lock, he watched the clearing for the slightest...
Also 'while his hands groped'. I would presume anybody groping is doing so with their hands unless otherwise told. I think you can drop 'hands'--it's very similar to your use of 'eyes'.
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I like it. Not a lot to criticise honestly. On a totally personal note, at first it seems like a sort of pseudo-Native American culture you have here, which I have sort of mixed feelings about on a personal taste level, but "Spirits above" peaks my personal interest and makes me think it might be a (for me) more interesting culture still.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 11, 2010).]
I’m doing a bit of hit-and-run critting (1st baby on the way has kept me busy and I’m just about to go overseas tomorrow).
Anyway, I’d probably agree with Skadder’s comments about getting deeper in POV by removing the filtering element of “sweeping”, i.e. Instead of
quote:Jeram's eyes swept the clearing all the way to the forest. Praise the Spirits, he saw no one
How about
quote:Praise the Spirits, the clearing was empty all the way to the forest.
…or something similar? I’m not sure “skipped” is better. I think of “skipped” and “leapt” when you’ve been suddenly frightened. How about something like:
quote:His heart hammered as he came close to the side door’s recess. Still no reaction…
Maybe not the best example, but what I’m trying to get at there is the increasing tension as he creeps along. Anyway, good luck with this piece. I’m happy take a look in about three week’s time. Regards, Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 12, 2010).]
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Hi Skadder. Since you just finished winning the WOTF, I truly value your insight. I kept wondering to myself if I should change the "eyes" problem. It bothered me, and your solution is so simple. I also have no idea where my brain was with "fingers" and "groped". Again you're exactly right. Thank you for opening my "eyes" to these nits .
Hi Merlion. It seems like forever since we've talked. I kind of miss our times on the "Introduce Yourself" forum. I've written several stories involving this society and those on other planets in the same galaxy. I created it years ago and feel quite confortable when writing about it because I know and understand how the whole thing works and operates. Sort of like slipping on a well worn bathrobe, if you know what I mean. I did base this culture on Native American society, but not entirely. There are huge differences that come out later in my story.
Hello, again, Nick, and thanks for the added observations. I will take them under consideration. You're a pal .
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