First 13:

Laraleth walked amongst the trees of the Evergrove with a basket on her hip and a scroll containing the days scheduled harvests tucked into her rope belt. Mortal souls hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees, some silver, some gold, some round, some oblong, some shimmering and some dull. Many Grove Tenders, similarly outfitted, moved from tree to tree harvesting the fruit in accordance with their schedules ensuring none fell to the ground lest the soul be lost forever. Each soul harvested would be recycled and born anew in the expansive canopy of the Evergrove.

Laraleth took a moment to consult her schedule. She stopped at the Keegan bloodline’s tree and pressed her hands against its smooth trunk, stretching out her senses, caressing each fruit, gleaning mortal emotions as she went.

Second Version of First 13:

Laraleth strolled amongst the trees of the Evergrove with a basket on her hip. Mortal souls hung like fruit from the branches of the Lineage Trees, some silver, some gold, some round, some oblong, some shimmering and some dull. The huge branches above wove together in a lush canopy joining where mortal bloodlines merged. Many Grove Tenders, similarly outfitted, moved from tree to tree harvesting the fruit. Laraleth was reminded of bees collecting nectar for their queen. Would that make the Overwatcher our queen? A grin flashed across her face at the thought but she did not think anyone noticed.

Laraleth unfurled the scroll she had tucked in her rope belt to consult the days schedule of harvests. She stopped at the

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited February 17, 2010).]

I was confused about the last sentence in the first paragraph. Why go to the trouble of harvesting souls if you're just going to recycle them like soda cans? I'm sure that's not what you mean, but that was the image that came to my mind. Maybe you could work on clarifying.

How long is your story? I do have some spare time this week to critique as long as it isn't too long.

I just got back a round of critique and have ideas for the revision to incorporate. if you are still interested in reading once the next version is completed I would be grateful for your opinion.

To those of you that critiqued my work, thank you very much for your opinions. I definitely think your insight will make this a far better story than it would have been otherwise.