posted
I appreciate the feedback I received for my rough draft. I have decided to rewrite the whole story. Here are the first 13 lines. I'm writing it in it's totality now. Thanks! # As he lifted his head, only for another strong blow to the cheek, he wondered why he was cooperating to betray and ultimately destroy his own race. He thought back to his own childhood—the flood of emotions it brought—and he knew why. He loathed his own, hated them all. He had had a convoluted childhood, to say the least, and from that brought on the contempt. He directed that contempt towards his own race until he was being ridiculed by the so-called superior race. But he would comply, nonetheless. “You must know the approximate location of the key,” the same Warkeep, who hit the betraying Dreadhook, said. “I told you, I have no idea where it is, but I know someone who might know.”
Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2010
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posted
I don't remember your first draft, so I think I have fresh eyes on this. For me, this seems likes too much exposition. A character who hates his own race is intriguing, but being told this is too weak for me.
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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I’m happy to give this a read when complete. Regards,
Nick
quote:As he lifted his head, only to receive? for another strong blow to the cheek
, There’s a word missing there somewhere.
quote: He thought back to his own childhood…But he would comply, nonetheless.
This is a block of exposition and loses impact because of it. We don’t need the motivation up front if you have a good enough hook and the way you’ve given the thought process strikes me as artificial. If your POV character is being struck on the face, is he really going to think about his childhood and why it compels him to act a certain way? I’d argue that his childhood would influence him in ways he’s not aware of unless he’s explicitly guided to think about it. Generally I don’t think people have a great deal of self-insight in the present moment; it only happens in retrospect. Generally I think you should try and deliver backstory in little bits and the info-dump is a last resort; you’ll also be amazed how little you need for the story to make sense. If Dreadhook (his parents were mean weren’t they) is cooperating to betray his own race, why is Warkeep hitting him? It would seem much more productive for Warkeep not to hit him…or is he only being partially cooperative?
quote:“You must know the approximate location of the key,” the same Warkeep, who hit the betraying Dreadhook, said.
I think this sentence needs to be re-written; you’ve got the action (said) buried so far behind the names that it’s confusing. Furthermore, we know who Warkeep is (so no need to identify him as “the same Warkeep”) and neither do we need to identify that Dreadhook is “the betraying Deadhook”. I’d say a simple “Warkeep said” is enough to orientate the reader. Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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He knew what he had to do, and he would do it. To him, betraying his own race wasn’t that big of deal, as long as he got what he wanted. He was strapped to a metal chair and watched a dozen or so Warkeeps scuttle around, making preparations for the attack. The chair was cold and hard; the Warkeeps still didn’t trust him. “You must know the approximate location of the key,” the head Warkeep said to him. “I told you, I don’t know where it is, but I know someone who might know.” He felt a faint electrical pulse ripple through the chair and into his body. “You really don’t want this to happen, do you?” the Warkeep questioned. “You said that you wouldn’t torture me.”
posted
Second one is better. First couple sentences could be combined a bit to "He knew what he wanted and would do what he had to to get it."
Nits: "He was strapped" and "he watched" not being parallel verb structures was jolting as I read across them. (you can probably say the same for what I wrote above)
"Dozen or so" is too informal; "over a dozen" or just "a dozen" or "several" would still be vague enough.
The "betray his race" is a good hook. It better be good, whatever it is. I'd read on.
posted
Hi, Is there a reason the protagonist isn’t named in the 1st 13? Suggested trims for clarity, accuracy and pacing:
*Edit* Everything between [s] and [/s] is meant to be a cut. I was hoping there was a strikethrough code for UBB on this board.
quote:He knew what he had to do[s], and he would do it. To him,[/s] betraying his own race wasn’t that big of deal, as long as he got what he wanted.
I'd also agree with Utahute72's re-write.
quote:He was strapped...
I’d suggest “The Warkeeps had strapped him to a metal chair.” This puts the focus back on the fact that it’s the Warkeeps have strapped him to the chair.
quote: [s]and watched[/s] a dozen [s]or so[/s] Warkeeps scuttled around, making preparations for the attack.
The first cut here is to put us deeper into the protagonist’s POV by removing the filtering “and watched”.
The second cut is a tentative one; I feel it is reasonable for the protagonist to know [i[]exactly[/i] how many Warkeeps there are, given he’s strapped to a chair. If he was distracted or in a hurry, the “dozen or so” is probably acceptable, but he’s had plenty of time to count them.
quote:The chair was cold and hard[s]; the Warkeeps still didn’t trust him. [/s]
The fact he’s tied to a chair shows us they don't trust him.
quote:“You must know the approximate location of the key,” the head Warkeep said [s]to him[/s].
Strongly implied the Warkeep is speaking to the protagonist.
quote:[s]He felt[/s] a faint electrical pulse rippled through the chair and into his body.
Distancing phrase, as per my comments above. Additionally, I don’t think “rippled” is the right verb for what’s happening here. How about “surged”? Furthermore, even if it’s a very mild electric shock, I’d expect your protagonist to react in some way (i.e. he catches his breath for a moment, gasps, etc.)
quote:the Warkeep [s]questioned[/s]said
.
It’s clear the Warkeep is questioning, so I feel the more invisible “said” is appropriate here.
Regards,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited April 09, 2010).]
posted
Thanks, guys. I'll take that advice. I'm still working on completing it and your feedback on the craft is helpful. I'll get to some of your stuff.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2010
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If anyone else has any comments, I welcome them.
