Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Double Trouble (not sure what genre yet)

   
Author Topic: Double Trouble (not sure what genre yet)
XD3V0NX
unregistered


 - posted            Edit/Delete Post 
David Thomas didn’t know how much longer he could take the annoying mouth of his best friend, Jordan Hamilton. Jordan went on and on about his day, never stopping to breathe, and, for David, enjoying this delicious subway meat ball sandwich in the back of the restaurant was losing its taste.

It was dark out, and David thought about his own personal problems as he stared through the clear window at the nearly empty parking lot, and he was thinking about his girlfriend, Hannah Smith, who was probably mad at him for not calling her.

They have been dating for a little over three months now, and she was all he ever thought about; he hardly cared what his friend had to say, but pretended to listen nonetheless. He saw Hannah running along the shore-line at the beach, bright moon high in the sky, and her hair was dancing with the wind.


IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Devin
Member
Member # 8735

 - posted      Profile for Devin           Edit/Delete Post 
The very first problem is that you don't know what genre you are trying to write. Do yourself a favor and figure out your genre before you write another word. Second problem, I have no idea what this story is about.


David Thomas didn’t know how much longer he could take the annoying mouth of his best friend, Jordan Hamilton.

Sentence one: I personally don’t like introducing characters by using their full name unless there is a compelling reason to. David most likely would think of his best friend as Jordan and his girlfriend as Hannah. I also dislike the phrase annoying mouth. I think this opening sentence is really weak, it gives us two names and tells us Jordan is annoying, not really much punch.

Jordan went on and on about his day, never stopping to breathe, and, for David, enjoying this delicious subway meat ball sandwich in the back of the restaurant was losing its taste.

Sentence Two: You are elaborating on what was meant by annoying mouth, making the first sentence mostly redundant. Reread the last clause (enjoying this...), this is a grammar nightmare.

As a side note, this sentence struck me as funny since you have David Thomas (the founder of Wendy’s) eating at Subway (Subway needs to be capitalized).

It was dark out, and David thought about his own personal problems as he stared through the clear window at the nearly empty parking lot, and he was thinking about his girlfriend, Hannah Smith, who was probably mad at him for not calling her.

Sentence three: Periods are your friends, use them. All this tells me is that David has a girlfriend and some undisclosed problem. If there is a problem lets get to it.

They have been dating for a little over three months now, and she was all he ever thought about; he hardly cared what his friend had to say, but pretended to listen nonetheless.

Sentence four: Again you haven’t given me anything yet, David is more interested in his girlfriend then his best friend. This is filler, get to the story faster.

He saw Hannah running along the shore-line at the beach, bright moon high in the sky, and her hair was dancing with the wind.

Sentence five: Since David is in a Subway not on a moon lit beach I am going to assume this is a memory. This sentence is jarring, even if you make it clear that this is a memory It’s still out of place.

My advice to you is, figure out what genre your story is. Scrap this opening completely and start over trying to get us into the story faster.
Good luck on your project and keep writing.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MAP
Member
Member # 8631

 - posted      Profile for MAP           Edit/Delete Post 
I agree with Devin. I have no idea where this story is going, and I would not read on.

I have read a number of your openings, and they are all about mundane events. My opinion based only on reading several of your first thirteen entries is that you are starting all of your stories in the wrong place, too early. Look over the first several chapters of your novel and look for an inciting incident, a moment where the life of the MC changes, and see if that makes a better opening.

Good luck with this.


Posts: 1102 | Registered: May 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XD3V0NX
unregistered


 - posted            Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you, and this was actually meant to be put in the short story forum. I just realized I accidentally put it here.
IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, I've moved it here.

Please proceed.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 30, 2010).]


Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XD3V0NX
unregistered


 - posted            Edit/Delete Post 
And thank you, MAP. I overlooked your review after I read the first one. Not only was I in a rush, but I was also getting upset that I can never seem to "Hook" the reader (well, sometimes). But I thought about what you said, and I, myself, know I start in the wrong place, and that seems to be my main problem. When I am reading further into my work, "I see" how great it is. So I will keep that in mind.

I have already started re writing "The Jealous Boyfriend" because personally I think it gets really good. But I just need to find a good place to start so my readers can get to "the good parts" too. I renamed it, too. It is now called "Jealousy Kills" I like that title better. And I have also started it over in third person pov, too.

Anyway, I'm getting there...Everytime I get a review on Hatrack I learn something new and that can only make me better. Thank you all for helping me out.

=]


IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
Administrator
Member # 59

 - posted      Profile for Kathleen Dalton Woodbury   Email Kathleen Dalton Woodbury         Edit/Delete Post 
XD3V0NX, if I may offer may be one of the most concise (well, short, anyway) formulas for a hook that is out there.

Basically, if you can include these three things, in the first sentence, if possible, you have a good chance at a hook:

1--a character the reader can visualize

2--a setting the reader can "see" the character in

3--a hint (at the very least) of the problem or situation the character is going to be dealing with in the story

I hope that helps you get started, at least.


Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tchernabyelo
Member
Member # 2651

 - posted      Profile for tchernabyelo   Email tchernabyelo         Edit/Delete Post 
I strongly advise against people posting "first thirteens" here if they don't have a clear idea of where the story is going. Until and unless you kow what the story is, in some detail, you have no way of knowing if you are starting in the right place.

The beginning to this is not the beginning to a story per se. It is you, the writer, trying to settle yourself into the character, the milieu, feeling your own way into the story. It may well be very important to you to write this kind of thing, it's part of the learning process - I used to do it myself, I've started a couple of dozen (mostly never finished) stories this way until I learned what was going on.

Write your way into the story by all means. But don't share it until it's ready. Trying to write an opening without know what it is the opening to is NOT going to work.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nick T
Member
Member # 8052

 - posted      Profile for Nick T   Email Nick T         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi,

If you're having trouble with your openings, I'd suggest Les Edgerton's book Hooked. It's the only writing book I know of which concentrates purely on openings (I'm sure there's others...).

Regards,

Nick


Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XD3V0NX
unregistered


 - posted            Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you. You have all been help to me. =]
IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2