Topic: "Jealousy Kills" - Horror/2,500 words so far
XD3V0NX
unregistered
posted
"Jealousy Kills" - the re-made version of "The Jealous Boyfriend". Let me know what you think/what can make it better/if you would like to take a look at it when it's done. It probably wont be as long as it was previously, either.
The way she looked at him was sickening to my stomach, and I knew she’d been cheating on me. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind she was, and the way she hugged him, too. Oh, how I wanted to rip his eyes out of his head. I walked forward across the road, outside of Belks at the mall, and I hoped Jessa would notice me, but somehow I knew she would only pay attention to her ****-buddy, who was now sitting behind the wheel of his blue convertible. I wish I had a car, too, I suddenly thought with clenched fists. The guy behind the wheel, who was already starting to get on my last nerve, looked at me with blood shot eyes—instantly, I knew he was a pot-head—and when he did, Jessa turned to me and smiled.
posted
It didn't really hook me. Yeah, she cheated(maybe) and he is angry at the world, but so what? I would need more than that to keep reading. In fact, a moody and angry protagonist read in first person is something I would usually make me decide to move to the next story. It may attract some people, but I rarely am in the mood to feel those sorts of emotions when reading, and my main purpose for reading is usually to escape. A genuinely sympathetic protagonist is what I would look for.
Perhaps the biggest flaw, however, is the language. The opening sentence (and some others) is passive. This distances the reader immediately. Changing it to an active tense will help significantly. For example
The way she looked at him sickened my stomach - she's cheating on me. No doubt in my mind, and the way she hugged him, too. Oh...
Now we feel much closer to his thoughts, simply by taking out the passive tense.
posted
A jealous guy goes emo and kills the other dude that's banging his girl.
This doesn't "horrify" me. If it's a horror short, I should get some sense of foreboding in the hook, and it's absent in its current state. Your feel is typical of any human being who's been rejected in love.... and it needs to be something that takes the reader by surprise.
posted
If it's not what happens, then you need at least ONE descriptive sentence or paragraph that alludes to
"Yeah, you think this is a cliche horror short about a jealous guy murdering the other guy who's hooking up with his woman, but you might actually crap brix out, because I've got a crazy ride in store for you!"
I can't really tell you what would evoke that mood or feeling for this, but it CAN be done. If you accomplish this feat, you will have the hook for a decent horror story on your hands.
posted
XD3V0NX, I'm not really great at this, I'm thinking.(you're just my third) I'll never make an editor, that's for sure.
First, I must qualify my response by saying that I'm not so into horror anymore. I used to read everything Steven King wrote, until "The Tommy Knockers" that is. It grossed me out so bad I quit for quite a while. I think it was the little dog that did it. I believe he was pretty much whacked out on drugs and alcohol at the time--Steven, not the dog. Poor little dog. Sorry, it's getting late.
I agree about changing sickening to "sickened" or "made me sick." And there are definitely some people who don't get horror and don't care to. As an ex-aficionado, I can tell you that a lot of King's work involved characters that were angry...very very angry. If you're anticipating reading a horror story, then you can expect a certain amount of grossness or violence or plain out craziness. I was there for years and years...not crazy, but reading horror...Well?...Anyway... When I read, I automatically disconnect my disbelief, which works great for a reader, maybe not so much for an editor, or especially a first thirteen advisor.
Oddly enough, the one thing I needed to know about your story was exactly where the girl was in the scene. When I was picturing what was going on, I couldn't place her anywhere. I would like to see that.
As I've said, I'm not much use as far as the first thirteen goes. As a horror story, it worked as well as some I've read, apart from the problems already noted with "sickening" and the girl's location. I don't see how such intense emotion could be sustained at that level without something else entering in to make it more bearable. Of course, all I've seen are those first sentences, so you might have that "something" waiting right around the corner. I do wish you luck with getting your first thirteen right. While you're at it, maybe you could send some luck my way. I need it.
This is more fun than I expected, even if I do suck at it.
I really have to go to bed.
[This message has been edited by Welsh Hammer (edited April 15, 2010).]
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