posted
I posted this late last year and got great feedback on it. At that point it got shoved in a drawer where it sat for a few months while I worked on other stuff (along with doing the real world thing of being an active family member). Anyway, I rescued it from the drawer a few weeks ago and did what feels like a complete rewrite. I'm looking for feedback on every aspect of the prose. It is definitely better than the first time I posted it, but I still have reservations about it. I hoping a second pair (and a third and a fourth, etc.) can help identify those reservations. This is a finished piece and slightly less than 8600 words by Microsoft Word's count. Readers for the whole thing would be appreciated. Cheers
The tiny flame flickered weakly in his cupped palm and Asrone Medina refocused. The flame brightened momentarily before flickering again and winking out. The darkness of twilight seemed more pronounced because of his failures. He wondered if he would ever know the brightness of real power. Snickers from other apprentices on the other side of the Mage Hall courtyard were directed at him, he knew it. They gathered here daily to watch him practice and remind him that his skill was inferior to theirs. Perhaps they would not snicker so loudly with singed robes. He settled for an angry glare. He turned away from his peers. They were insignificant at the moment. Asrone uttered the incantation and a blue orb of light appeared above his outstretched hand. He needed to practice.
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited April 18, 2010).]
posted
This is really good, I guess that is because of how long its be work on and revised. but for some reason the sentence:
"They gathered here daily to watch him practice and remind him that his skill was inferior to theirs."
doesn't flow very well, i am not sure why but i had to stop and reread it. I don't have any ideas of what to change about it but it did throw me off. Also with the first sentence, the way you use a pronoun first and then introduce the name makes it sort of sound like their are two people, but i didn't get confused by it when I first read it, but i noticed it the second time.
Overall this is great, I would want to read more
[This message has been edited by Rikki_Ross (edited April 18, 2010).]
I think you are close to the right kind of opening. You present the protagonist’s problem very clearly and give us good reason to be sympathetic to him (though I’d watch the hints of anger and arrogance in the opening 13; can you soften this?). Can you enter this scene any later, so we know (or have a hint of) how Asrone’s life is going to change (i.e. does he find a new spell, etc.)? While it’s sometimes tough to fit in the 1st 13, I think it would benefit this opening. Minor tweaks and word-cut suggestions:
quote: The tiny flame flickered weakly in his cupped palm
The combination of “tiny” and “flickered” makes weakly redundant in my opinion. I don’t think we lose much if you eliminate “cupped” either.
quote: Asrone Medina refocused
You seem to be using free indirect or deep 3rd (I can never remember the difference between the two), rather than omniscient or another POV. As such, would your protagonist think of himself as “Asrone Medina” or simply as “Asrone”?
quote:The flame brightened momentarily before flickering again and winking out.
I think you can cut the section in italics without changing the reader’s mental picture. I’d also change “the flame” to it to avoid having three sentences in a row starting with “the”.
quote:The darkness of twilight seemed more pronounced because of his failures.
Nothing wrong with this sentence (though “seemed” is a bit of a weak verb), but it’s the third sentence in a row starting with “the”.
quote: He wondered if he would ever know the brightness of real power
As above, you seem to be writing in deep 3rd. You can remove the filtering and change this to something like “Would he ever know the brightness of real power?” We have access to this thoughts, so you may as well describe them directly.
quote:Snickers from other apprentices on the other side of the Mage Hall courtyard were directed at him , he knew it.
The clause at the end should either go at the start “He knew the snickers from the other apprentices…” or you could probably remove it altogether with a bit of editing.
quote: They gathered here daily to watch him practice and remind him that his skill was inferior to theirs.
Removing “here”, “that” and “to theirs”, the meaning of the sentence doesn’t change.
quote: He turned away from his peers. They were insignificant at the moment.
The “at the moment” is superfluous. How about “He turned away from his insignificant peers”? It shows his attitude and is shorter. Regards, Nick Posts: 712 | Registered: Jun 2008
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posted
Hey Denem, Not bad at all. Nick has some pretty good points there, really liked the last one.
The flickering flame also could be as he said reworked.
I might suggest reworking the first 2 sentences. The tiny flame flisckered in Aseone's cupped palm. He refocused. The flame flared, dimmed. No, don't- Then died.
I feel this might play more into his failure and yearning for real power.
Anyways, if you want, be happy to read, send it my way.
posted
Denim, I liked it. Some of the best writing I've seen on the board. Using "the" to begin three sentences in a row could be one too many; although, it didn't hinder my enjoyment of the piece. I'll let others with more experience criticizing tell you what might make it better. Good job. Posts: 21 | Registered: Apr 2010
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posted
Thanks for the feedback, guys. All excellent suggestions. I'll be working some rewording soon. Welsh, I appreciate your complimant, although I'm far from the best writer in the treehouse. I've seen some pretty darn good writing from many of the members here. So if what I have written above is any good, I owe a lot of that to the excellent advice and feedback I've received from my fellow Hatrackers and if it isn't any good it's because I'm too thick-skulled to take the advice they've offered.
Cheers
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited April 20, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited April 20, 2010).]
posted
Is there some reason everyone goes out of their way to watch and snicker? Is he special some other way to generate that attention? Or are they gathering there for some other reason and get to be his audience at the same time? It just doesn't seem likely that they would go out of their way every day to gather, watch and remind an inferior apprentice that he was inferior.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
Okay, now I see why you have "he knew it." He's paranoid, and the other apprentices aren't really acting that way. Too subtle for me. Never mind...
Posts: 60 | Registered: Nov 2009
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