posted
This is an older story that I've decided to rework a bit. (thanks to Skadder's post) It used to be in third limited but I am toying with first person. Also, I was never very fond of the opening. So here is my reworked opening. Does it work for you?
I closed my eyes against the music. My heartbeat sped and my breathing raced. I shouldn’t have come here, but I didn’t care. I leaned against the Tailor’s shop feeling the cold pock marked bricks beneath my shaking palms. Digging my fingers into the holes I fought the desire to move. Down a cobblestone street and in the distance the Andarian castle stood and atop the parapet the white clothed dancers flowed. They looked more like statues changing position than dancers. I snorted in disgust. The Andarians’ fear robbed their dance of any true power. My arm twitched but I gripped tighter to the stones. No one was here, but I still couldn’t risk dancing. The gray of early dawn was just enough light for me to see the dancers and no one came
Second Version
I closed my eyes against the music. My heartbeat sped and my breathing raced. I shouldn’t have come here, but I didn’t care. I leaned against the Tailor’s shop feeling the cold bricks beneath my shaking palms. Digging my fingers into the brick’s grooves I fought the desire to move. The Andarian castle stood at the end of the cobblestone street. Atop the parapet the white clothed dancers flowed in the early gray morning. They looked more like statues changing position than dancers. The Andarians’ fear robbed their dance of any true power. My arm twitched but I gripped tighter to the stones. No one was here, but I still couldn’t risk dancing. The clothing district always stirred late. Maybe, maybe I could chance it.
[This message has been edited by satate (edited August 31, 2010).]
posted
Pretty good 13 lines. I would continue to read on.
A few minor points:
"the Tailor’s shop feeling the cold pock marked bricks beneath my shaking palms"
The phrase "cold pock marked bricks" confuses me. After three reads, I think I have it figured out (and by reading the next line). I think being cold is important (tells me that its probably morning and the state of the weather in the area), but the pock marked bricks gave me a "huh?"
Also, there's an opportunity to get rid of the word "feeling", if you rework the sentence. You do a pretty good job with first POV, but the words: feeling, felt, saw, seeing, heard, hearing, etc. are your enemy.
For example, your last line could be changed to:
"The gray of early dawn cast uneven shadows across the dancers..."
This way, you remove the "I-filter" which plagues first POV and gives it more action words.
quote:Down a cobblestone street and in the distance the Andarian castle stood and atop the parapet the white clothed dancers flowed. They looked more like statues changing position than dancers.
I can see two or even three sentences here. "Down a cobblestone street and in the distance the Andarian castle stood. Atop the parapet white clothed dancers flowed looking more like statues changing position than dancers. Or, Atop the parapet the white dancers flowed. They looked, etc... And I can't see how statues changing positions and flowing dancers would work together in the descriptions.
quote:My arm twitched but I gripped tighter to the stones. No one was here, but I still couldn’t risk dancing.
Here, your MC is gripping stones. Earlier MC was gripping bricks. Confusing. And I'm guessing that the music will cause the MC to dance out of control for some reason, but that's just a guess.
Beyond that, I would read more just to find out what's going on.
PBJ
[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited August 29, 2010).]
posted
To me, there is a lot in here that is good. I particularly like that the character couldn't "risk dancing". I'd keep reading.
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