posted
This story is a little different for me as I've been writing sci-fi only for a number of years. It's a dark fantasy. The story is complete, so I'm looking for crits if it sparks your fancy.
This is also my first attempt at doing the thirteen lines, so hopefully I don't screw it up.
****** The bruised boy woke to the demon tapping on his cage. Wagon wheels on the caravan rattled across the cracked stones under a sky the color of blood and ash. He could barely see the winged humanoid perched on the rune etched wain board, meant to keep such creatures away. The boy did not recoil when the demon reached its hand through the brass bars. Instead he studied it intently. The demon's skin had the appearance of leather parchment dripped with ink until it formed a spidery network across its body. Eyes were featureless obsidian lenses that even in the gloom reflected the bloody sky. A vague familiarity drew his own hand forward to receive the object the demon grasped in its hand. As their hands ******
version 2.0 (trying nickname in this one) ****** The Nameless Boy woke to the demon tapping on his cage. The wagon wheels rattled across cracked stones under a sky the color of blood and ash. He could barely see the winged humanoid perched on the rune-etched wain board, meant to keep such creatures away. The boy did not recoil when the demon reached its hand through the brass bars. Instead, he studied it intently. The demon's skin had the appearance of leather parchment dripped with ink, until it formed a spidery network across its body. Its eyes were obsidian lenses that even in the gloom reflected the bloody sky. A vague familiarity drew his own hand forward to receive the stone the demon grasped in its hand. *******
[This message has been edited by thomaskcarpenter (edited August 19, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by thomaskcarpenter (edited August 19, 2010).]
posted
Interesting ideas. A few things I noticed. IMO. What may we call your MC? And I was just wondering why he could barely see the demon at first then was able to intently study it's hand moments later? When he didn't recoil from the demon, was that because he was wounded, or hadn't had water, or something like that? It doesn't seem like a person would not recoil from one of them. You mentioned gloom. What time of day does this take place? I'd love to read more of this if you'd like.
posted
I agree that the boy needs a name if he is the MC. Is he barely able to see the demon because it is too dark, the cage obstructs the view, or the demon has some kind of camoflage?
I'd give it a read. Send it in an RTF or DOC file or if you have to a DOCX)
[This message has been edited by babooher (edited August 15, 2010).]
posted
I definitely agree with both of you about the MC name. It's one of my struggle points with the story. The MC doesn't want his name, or even think of himself by it, and later gets a chance to choose a new one. But that can be confusing for the reader in the beginning.
So I'm not sure how to approach this point. Anyone know of other stories that have a nameless MC at first? I couldn't think of any to compare against to see how to do it properly.
And I sent the story to the both of you. Thank you for offering to read.
quote:I definitely agree with both of you about the MC name. It's one of my struggle points with the story. The MC doesn't want his name, or even think of himself by it, and later gets a chance to choose a new one. But that can be confusing for the reader in the beginning.
Well, how does the boy think of himself? Probably not as "the boy". Even if he hates his name, has he made himself some sort of nickname out of it? Maybe you can do something with that.
I don't read a lot of dark fantasy, so this might not be my kind of story. With that caveat, I'll read it, if you want.
posted
Good idea Meredith. I'll have to think on that and decide how he would nickname himself.
And I sent you the story. I'm not actually entirely sure it's Dark Fantasy (never seen a definition) but it has a difficult theme in it. I'll explain in the email, you can decide if you still want to read it after that.
posted
After posting, I remembered I have the whole internet at my disposal. So yes, after reading the Wiki entry, I would say it's Dark Fantasy, but hopefully, Dark Fantasy with a ray of hope. Posts: 118 | Registered: Jul 2010
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posted
I love the first line and I'm wondering about why the runes aren't working. It reads like demons aren't anything new to the boy. He's got almost no reaction to it tapping on his cage. I'd keep reading.
Posts: 50 | Registered: Feb 2010
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posted
Hi. As usual, take all my comments as IMHO.
My take:
quote:[The bruised boy<--I agree with other comments, he needs to go by how he thinks of himself. ie: The Outsider] woke to the demon tapping on his cage. [The w]agon wheels [on the caravan<--save this for when the scope encompasses the entire caravan--or maybe have this be what wakes "The Boy".] rattled across [the<--cut.] cracked stones[,] under a sky the color of blood and ash. He could barely see the winged humanoid perched [on the rune etched wain board, meant to keep such creatures away.<--could use tightening, so that it doesn't look like the board is meant to ward, instead of the runes.]
Name or Nickname did not recoil when the demon reached its hand through the brass bars. Instead[,] he studied it intently. The demon's skin had the appearance of leather parchment dripped with ink[,] until it formed a spidery network across its body. Its eyes were [featureless<--adds nothing. Besides, they are:] obsidian lenses[,] [that<-->which,] even in the gloom[,] reflected the bloody sky.
A [vague familiarity<--Huh? Maybe too much in one small chunk.] drew his own hand forward to receive the object[If he knows what "the object" is, so should we.] the demon grasped in its hand. As their hands
If you are in no rush, I'll read this. BUT, I'm forty pages into my own WotF first draft, so, if it's urgent, I'm not your guy.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 19, 2010).]
posted
I will sent it to you Babbler and I'm not in a rush. And I liked your version.
On the subject of the nickname, I'm in agreement with everyone, but I'm not liking the nickname when I read it. I can't figure out why it reads wrong to me. I use Nameless Boy, but like I said, it reads weird. I also tried nameless boy, but that goes back to being similar to bruised boy. Maybe my choice of nickname is the problem? I'm conflicted.
PB and Bab - did you still feel like you needed a nickname upon reading the full story?
posted
Yeah, I'm still thinking he needs some kind of identifier. I was toying with the idea that you might initially have him ID'd with his actual name, (i.e., his real/father's name) and show his reaction/revulsion of it at the time of choosing. That would show me why he chooses the other name and the back story would fit here.
I'd like to chime in on the name issue. I think The Nameless Boy doesn't work because it feels too much like a name for the nameless. So in essence it contradicts itself. Furthermore, using the name with caps like this draws too much attention to the name. It makes it seem like an ominous title and I don't think you are going for that here.
My suggestion would be to use something like "The boy without a name" instead of The Nameless Boy. This loses some of the ominous feeling and makes it feel a little less cliche in my opinion. Not all identifiers need to be capitalized
Also, I think your first line is good. Immediately introduces conflict and tension (the prisoner being toyed with by the demonic guard, and we want to know how he will get out of the situation).
posted
Dumpling is fine. Just something to attribute "him" to. With a predominantly male cast, there are a lot of "hims" to confuse. It'd also be good to give that nickname a reason--like his mom used to call him Dumpling or something--for him to think of himself as that.
Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007
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