Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Haven't put one of these up in a while

   
Author Topic: Haven't put one of these up in a while
tnwilz
Member
Member # 4080

 - posted      Profile for tnwilz   Email tnwilz         Edit/Delete Post 
Brock Gossard was a big one, everyone had always said so. His mother would call him her 'gentle giant' when he would visit after being away on a job. But he was not big enough today. He was a prisoner of the purpose built gurney and he would never see his mother again. The gurney was pitched at a forty-five degree angle in a white medical bay somewhere deep in the Union of Worlds justice center. The straps binding him were tight and strong, strong enough that the guards were gone and the only person attending his sentence was a thirty-something nurse. She was pretty and quite female but there was a determination in those hazel eyes that offered no hope of reprieve. He was good at reading people, he always had been. He knew she would do her job, she would bring an end to him as surely as the

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 30, 2010).]


Posts: 556 | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Brendan
Member
Member # 6044

 - posted      Profile for Brendan   Email Brendan         Edit/Delete Post 
It definitely needs paragraphing. I would probably split this into 3 to 4 paragraphs. Otherwise, the change of subject / POV depth makes it sound really jumpy.

As it is, some of the information sounds forced (some would say "told") and too distilled despite the intended voice. It is a risk that you take.

One thing I did like was the final sentence. A "third strike" makes an amusing contrast to the "Union of Worlds".


Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Apemantus
Member
Member # 9204

 - posted      Profile for Apemantus   Email Apemantus         Edit/Delete Post 
There are some definite things to like here. It seems like the story world is distinct and specific. I loved the "Union of Worlds justice center" concept. And this line gives a great visual while providing relevant information: "...as the commissioner had tapped his gavel and declared his sentence." Also, the protagonist and his dilemma are clearly introduced. Good work.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
InarticulateBabbler
Member
Member # 4849

 - posted      Profile for InarticulateBabbler   Email InarticulateBabbler         Edit/Delete Post 
I'll give it a look, if there's no hurry.

Oh, and I don't see a POV change.

Only thing that gave me pause was:

quote:

He was a prisoner of the purpose built gurney and he would never see his mother again.

I suppose, after this is cleared up, a paragraph break wouldn't hurt, but I'd read on anyway.


Posts: 3687 | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
skadder
Member
Member # 6757

 - posted      Profile for skadder   Email skadder         Edit/Delete Post 
Purpose-built.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Crank
Member
Member # 7354

 - posted      Profile for Crank   Email Crank         Edit/Delete Post 
There’s a number of things for me to like in this passage, especially the ‘third strike’ reference...although, that’s very much an American colloquialism (or, perhaps, one from anywhere else where baseball has influenced society at some noticeable level), so it’s possible that some of your readers might feel let down if they were to find out several pages later that this is more of an ‘alien’ society.

Maybe it was me, but I never truly got a sense of urgency from Brock concerning what was about to happen to him. Granted, there were some references that let us know Brock at least acknowledged his predicament: “...and he would never see his mother again”; “...that offered no hope of reprieve”; etc., but he seemed, from an emotional / reactionary standpoint, almost as an observer to his own situation. If, by chance, you’ve made him a naturally low key kind of guy (many ‘gentle giants’ are fairly sedate), then my suggestions for a more emotional-based cue isn’t all that relevant...although, I didn’t get a sense of a sedate disposition, either.

Other than these points, I would consider reading on, just to see what kind of ‘jobs’ he does.

S!
S!


Posts: 620 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post 
Small observations...

This has 23 pronouns in it.

This has 10 uses of 'was' and 'were'.

This lacks even a single contraction.

What does it mean? It lends to a mechanical narrative. Not much feeling to it when it should be loaded with it. The man is about to die and I could care less at this point.

This needs, IMO, some economical trimming for start.

quote:
Brock Gossard was a big one, everyone had always said so.

One what? Unless this is important, cut. In fact it needs surgery.

Brock Gossard was big, everyone said so.


quote:
His mother would call him her 'gentle giant' when he would visit after being away on a job.


He was only a gentle giant when visiting from his job? More trimming is needed.

Mother would call him her 'gentle giant'

quote:
But he was not big enough today.

Trying notching this up on the emotional scale

, but he didn't feel very big today.

quote:
He was a prisoner of the purpose built gurney and he would never see his mother again.

Good place to start another paragraph. May I suggest you change purpose built to executioner's and remove everything after 'gurney'. I liked that he wouldn't be seeing his mother again but it needs to be placed at the end of the paragraph to lend weight to it.

quote:
The gurney was pitched at a forty-five degree angle in a white medical bay somewhere deep in the Union of Worlds justice center.

No issue with this.

quote:
The straps binding him were tight and strong, strong enough that the guards were gone and the only person attending his sentence was a thirty-something nurse.

This should be two sentences, with a few minor fixes. You should also spell out the nurse's purpose in the scene.

The straps binding him were tight and strong, strong enough that his guards were no longer needed. The only person attending his sentence was a thirty-something nurse, his executioner.

quote:
She was pretty and quite female but there was a determination in those hazel eyes that offered no hope of reprieve.

Not sure if 'quite female' means she is attractive or not a android. I think this could use a bit tweaking as well.

She was pretty and quite female but with a determination in her hazel eyes that offered no hope of reprieve.

Not much of a problem with the rest.

Hope this helps!

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 30, 2010).]


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LDWriter2
Member
Member # 9148

 - posted      Profile for LDWriter2   Email LDWriter2         Edit/Delete Post 

Not too bad. I think the line about him not being big enough should go. It might show his mood but it doesn't fit, I think.

I have been told by an assistant editor for a pro magazine that were-s and was-s are not good words to use, especially in the opening and especially if you have more than one in a sentence. You can't avoid all of them but it's a good idea to cut out as many as possible.

I wonder if this story is a flashback of how he got there or if something happens to free him.

That's all I can think of. It did grab me and the details you included were interesting and made me go "hmmm, sounds like an interesting universe".


Posts: 5289 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2