posted
This is something I've been writing off and on for a few months. The original idea was about a drug addict being helped by a kindly stranger. Along the way it occurred to me that I should try something else with it so I'm torn about what I should do. I can either tie it off now as a short story or change where I was going and make it something longer.
Critique of the first 13 is welcome, but I'm also looking for interested people to read what I have so far (~6k words) and offer an opinion. There's cursing, references to sex and drugs (but no rock and roll).
I hope I did the 13 lines right because it worked out perfectly I think!
------ Version 2 Beth pushed the stringy hair away from her eyes as she looked up from sweeping the floor of the coffee shop. Her lone customer sat at the window staring through the glass. Eric was a regular. He had been nursing his cup of coffee for a while now, uncharacteristically quiet.
She paused to enjoy the earthy aroma of coffee that filled the room before continuing her sweeping. The smell alone was worth most of the hassle of working there. When she made her way over to his table to sweep under it Eric glanced up at her. His expression was tense, unreadable. She tried to think of something witty to say, but nothing came to mind. She was usually pretty good with customer banter, but she was jonesing something awful and her brain was just about shut down.
------ Original Version Beth pushed the stringy blonde hair away from her eyes as she looked up from sweeping the floor of the coffee shop. Her lone customer sat at the window staring through the glass as if waiting for something. Eric was a regular. He had been nursing his cup of coffee for a while now.
When she made her way over to his table Eric glanced up at her. His expression was unreadable, but he certainly wasn’t his usual self. She tried to think of something witty to say, but nothing came to mind. She was usually pretty good with clever banter, but she was jonesing something awful and her brain was just about shut down.
He said, “Who did that to your face, Beth?”
[This message has been edited by coralm (edited October 07, 2010).]
posted
I think you've done a nice job here. I've learned a little bit about the character (functional substance user, usually witty) and the problem (1-someone's messed up her face and 2-her customer is crossing a boundary into her personal life by asking about it). The writing is clear and effective IMO. Nits- I would suggest naming the customer somewhere in the first paragraph. ex "Eric was a regular" rather than he. When I read the 2nd paragraph I initially thought Eric was another person in the shop. If you include other info about the story in the post it might be a good idea to put it after the 1st 13 so the other information doesn't color the reading. For example here I was on the lookout for "who's the drug user?".
I'd like to take a look at the whole story if you want. I'm not a very experienced writer, but I can give you my opinion as a reader.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited October 07, 2010).]
posted
Interesting the problems you can cause when you edit things to tighten them up. I had named Eric in the first paragraph originally, but it was in a line that has since been edited out because I thought it was redundant (something about how he was staring out the window if I remember right). I didn't even notice that he went unnamed so long now. Made the change you suggested, thanks!
[This message has been edited by coralm (edited October 07, 2010).]
posted
I think your story definitely has potential. You efficiently set the scene and let the reader know who's who. I personally would like to have seen a bit more description that engages some of the other senses. Right now your scene is very visual and I think if you add some description about the smells of the coffee shop or sounds it would make your prose stand out more.
Posts: 525 | Registered: Sep 2010
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posted
I second redux's comments. Coffee shops smell wonderful Why not pull that into your scene? The stranger is staring out the window, is she curious as to what he is staring at? Staring out the window kind of makes me wonder as to the weather outside as well.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited October 07, 2010).]
posted
Beth pushed the stringy blonde hair away from her eyes as she looked up from sweeping the floor of the coffee shop.
This sounds as though she is both sweeping and pushing away 'the stringy blonde hair' at the same time. I realise this is not your intention and people will know what you meant with perhaps only a sub-conscious stumble.
As should be reserved for actions that occur concurrently when used in the sentence structure you have used here.
Also it is her hair. When you read the sentence you come across 'the hair' and it takes a few words more to realise it is her hair. Requires re-adjustment on the part of the reader.
Consider re-thinking this. It would seem that she would stop sweeping prior to pushing the stringy blonde hair from her eyes (would she think of it as stringy or blonde at that moment?).
I am English and am unaware of what 'Jonesing' means. Doesn't mean you can use it, but be aware that it may not be understood in some countries.
posted
Jonesing is definitely American slang, but I don't think there is another word that Beth would use for it. It means the drag that addicts feel when they haven't had a fix for a while. I'm willing to entertain other options if anyone suggests one.
As far as the first sentence goes, nothing immediately occurs to me that would sound better. I think this one sounds worse, if anything:
quote:Beth looked up from sweeping the coffee shop, brushing the stringy hair away from her eyes.
She would definitely think of her hair as stringy, but she might not think blonde. I do think the sentence loses a bit of the sense of her without that though. I'm not sure about that change, I'll have to look at it a few more times.
What is he waiting for out the window? You do find that out a little further along. It's hard to fit everything important into that first 13 The coffee smell is a great idea though, I'll see if I can work that in.
Thanks for all the input so far, it's invaluable to have extra sets of eyes looking at these things. As I writer it's so hard to see the holes in my own work.
posted
Some options for words other than jonesing that I can think of off the bat:
craving fiending desiring itching
Though to be honest, I think the fact she uses 'jonesing' characterizes her for American readers as a member of a particular sub-culture. I suppose you could keep it as jonesing for american submissions, and use something like craving if you submit it to markets outside the US.
posted
Changed a few phrases around. Swapped some words. Added the yummy coffee smell. Took out the blonde. I think that about covers the changes in version 2.
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posted
I liked version 2 better so I'm going to give my 2 cents.
Beth pushed theher stringy hair away from her eyes as she looked up from sweeping the floor of the coffee shop. Her lone customer sat at the window staring through the glassstaring out the window. Eric was a regular. He had been nursing his cup of coffee for a while now, uncharacteristically quiet.
She paused to enjoy the earthy aroma of coffee that filled the room before continuing her sweeping. The smell alone was worth most of the hassle of working there. I loved this line, good addition When she made her way over to his table to sweep under it Eric glanced up at her. His expression was tense, unreadable. She tried to think of something witty to say, but nothing came to mind. She was usually pretty good with customerI like the first way better, put witty back in banter, but she was jonesing something awful and her brain was just about shut down.
Just a few suggestions, but if you can cut the word count you can get more in the first 13.
(edited to change ubb code to something that worked)
[This message has been edited by jayazman (edited October 07, 2010).]
posted
I work with heroin addicts--it's my day job as a psychiatric nurse--and I can assure you they wouldn't pause to enjoy the smell of coffee (if you worked there everyday you'd probably not even notice it) if she was withdrawing (...'something awful' you say).
What she would be doing is thinking obsessively about drugs, wanting kick Erik out (not be witty with him) anyway she could (she'd be irritable) so she could score and hit up (or whatever). Bear in mind some drug users (addicts of drugs that cause physical withdrawal) may put drug use above most things--there own children, for example.Her behaviour isn't squaring with an addict who is self-reporting she is withdrawing 'something awful'. I am getting an addict with a minor tickle of withdrawal from her just enough to make turn her thoughts--more like someone who needs a cigarette because they haven't had one for a few hours.
Regarding the hair. When I push away hair from eyes (I have no hair!), I don't think blonde hair or stringy hair; the hair is in my eyes and I don't want it there. That is the over-riding sensation of the moment and so that is the ideal thing (IMO) to convey--not the colour or stringiness. You can often get away without describing the POV character.
I would also be wary about writing about drug users and addiction if you know little about drug use/drug users. You can research it (but don't get hooked!) or if you are knowledgeable already, then think through what you write a little more
posted
Now if her hair were oily from being around a lot of fried breakfast food or sweaty from the shakes, she might think about that.
I agree with skadder that she wouldn't be pleasant to be around if she were suffering withdrawal - I doubt she would even be at work.
Above all, I don't feel there is a clear hook. Maybe make the symptoms the hook - quip temper, dropping things, difficulty taking orders, etc. Or have something hanging in the balance - an available hit, a kid at home depending on her, etc.
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Why not pull that into your scene? The stranger is staring out the window, is she curious as to what he is staring at? Staring out the window kind of makes me wonder as to the weather outside as well.
