posted
First try at some feedback here. Comments on the first 13 welcome. If anyone's inclined to look over the whole story I'd appreciate that, too.
This is fantasy with a Pacific island feel, about 5000 words.
******* Version 1
Tanila closed his eyes and became the mountain. He felt the mass and the majesty; felt the age, the anger, the pain. Hot ribbons of hurt coursed through the mountain, following the faults and cracks. Tanila locked on to one of these ribbons and followed inward, downward, searching for the source.
In the depths of the mountain he could feel the heat and the pressure. The streams of pain distorted and tangled here. Tanila followed as best he could, edging closer to his goal.
He came at last to a barrier, an area that resisted his progress. Here the lines merged; surely this was the source. He pushed and probed, gently at first, then ever more forcefully, searching for a way through. Suddenly a path opened and Tanila darted along it.
Version 2:
Tanila closed his eyes and became the mountain. He felt its mass and majesty; felt its age, its anger, its pain. Hot ribbons of hurt coursed through the mountain, following the faults and cracks. Tanila locked on to one of these ribbons and followed inward, downward, searching for the source.
In the depths of the mountain he could feel its heat and pressure. The streams of pain distorted and tangled here. Tanila followed as best he could, edging closer to his goal.
He came at last to a barrier, an area that resisted his progress. Here the lines merged; surely this was the source. He pushed and probed, gently at first, then ever more forcefully, searching for a way through. He found a flaw and worked at it, widening it, driving a wedge through the barrier, until at last he was through
[This message has been edited by DavidS (edited November 08, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by DavidS (edited November 09, 2010).]
posted
DavidS, you only have 11 lines here--I don't count the lines between paragraphs--so you can add a couple more lines to your excerpt.
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posted
I like it. Interesting concept. You have good voice and rhythm. From what I've read, I'm assuming that the MC is a human who has an ability that lets him interact and complex with nature. If you're done with it and looking to email the whole thing out for a full crit, feel free to send it my way. I would definitely keep reading.
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posted
You know, it might be more interesting if Tanila did something to make the path open, or at least found a crack that he was able to widen with his mind?
Having a problem, no matter how minor, "suddenly" solved for the point of view character tends to rob the story of a conflict opportunity. If you have Tanila do something to solve the problem, on the other hand, the reader learns a little more about the point of view character, and it can make the introduction more interesting.
posted
I enjoyed this opening and would read on. The main distraction for me was the preponderance of the word 'the', usually applied to the mountain and its characteristics. The is a bit distancing compared to its, which seems relevant since the MC is becoming one with the mountain.
Tanila closed his eyes and became the mountain. He felt its mass and majesty; felt its age, anger, and pain. Hot ribbons of hurt coursed through the mountain, following its faults and cracks.
In the mountain's depths he could feel its heat and pressure....
Okay, I'll admit my age. 'became the mountain' left me no choice but to think of a U.S. TV Western series, Kung Fu, where the main character's master was forever saying to Kwai Chang Caine, 'be the fill-in-the-blank, Grasshopper.' It's a bit of a running joke for the older set who saw the show.
posted
Thank you all for your feedback. I've posted a slightly revised version above.
redapollo9: Thank you for your offer. I'll email you the story shortly.
Corky: You're right, the last sentence was weak. I've modified it in the new version.
WouldBe: Good pickup on the use of "the". I've made some changes to reflect that.
I suspect I'm a similar age to you, but never got into King Fu. I'll take that on board, but keep the sentence for the moment unless others also find it distracting.
posted
Just a thought...we apply a gender to planets. We don't to mountains, AFAIK, though some cultures may. In this instance, it might be interesting to do that, making it even more personal, especially for a she-mountain (cough).
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posted
Funny you should say that. The characters do tend to refer to the mountain as "he" rather than "it" throughout the story. I thought it might be a little confusing in the early paragraphs working out whether "his" was referring to Tanila or the mountain.
Oh yes, and "the mountain" does get a name fairly soon, too.
posted
This is nice, but I'd like more from it. I'd like it to be more vivid and engaging.
For example:
quote:He came at last to a barrier, an area that resisted his progress. Here the lines merged; surely this was the source. He pushed and probed, gently at first, then ever more forcefully, searching for a way through. He found a flaw and worked at it, widening it, driving a wedge through the barrier, until at last he was through
Describe the barrier. Is it sharp-edged or buoyant?
Instead of "Surely this was the source", consider, "He had found it!"
At "He found a flaw..." really work the description of the energies and how he's manipulating them.
For me, the wording is a bit plain and passive. You're describing a volcano - make it feel like one.
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