I wanted to submit this story to the WotF in the last quarter (the 4th) and didn't make it due to time to finish what I consider the final draft. I'm still having limited time to work on this story, which is the reason why I haven't joined the current WotF writer's group.

What's the deadline? I think I've read this one before.

Regards,

Jeram had a friend with him the next morning after the council meeting when they were going to participate in a swordsmanship test in the original draft. I left the friend and the test out of the final draft and replaced it with Jeram going to swordsmanship lesson instead. It worked much better for me than the original.

If you would still like to look it over, that'd be fine. The deadline for entry is December 31.

Any other takers?

It's familiar, but I don't know which version I read. Email it through to me.

Also thinking of entering WOTF sometime, so you might be able to return the favour eventually

When do you need a reply by?

Oh okay, Snapper. Just for you (and anyone else that wants to take a wack at it), here's the first 13:

Deep shadows masked Jeram’s presence along the Pavilion’s west side. He tried to relax after that mad sprint across the clearing and knew he must be gone before the smaller moon enhanced her sister’s glow.

A sentry’s laughter split the quiet, and Jeram winced when his head banged the wall. He strained to hear anything more from the sentries posted at the Pavilion’s back and front entrances with the forest sounds his only response.

Maybe Lynay was right to try and keep him home, but Toka’s possible exile made sneaking into a tribal council meeting worth the risk. Jeram snatched up his waning courage and moved on. No doubt Father would approve of Jeram’s loyalty to a chief’s son but not this childish impulsiveness. Such acts never appealed to

quote:

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Deep shadows masked Jeram’s presence along the Pavilion’s west side.

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Impossible to know from such a small sample but I suspect this isn't what you want to open with. This feels like it should be the second sentence. The opening sentence by itself makes me go huh? Perhaps showing his mad dash first?

quote:

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He tried to relax after that mad sprint across the clearing and knew he must be gone before the smaller moon enhanced her sister’s glow.

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A bit too wordy. I believe you should place a peroid after clearing then reword the confusing second half of the sentence. I am assuming the smaller moon (there are two, correct) is behind a cloud. The fact I need to guess is a concern.

quote:

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A sentry’s laughter split the quiet, and Jeram winced when his head banged the wall.

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Probably need to spilt this sentence in half, too. Not sure if the 'his' in Jeram winced when his head is. The sentry or Jeram?

quote:

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He strained to hear anything more from the sentries posted at the Pavilion’s back and front entrances with the forest sounds his only response.

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Cut 'with' and replace with a peroid. It confuses what you are trying to say. In fact, I would cut the rest.

quote:

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Maybe Lynay was right to try and keep him home, but Toka’s possible exile made sneaking into a tribal council meeting worth the risk. Jeram snatched up his waning courage and moved on. No doubt Father would approve of Jeram’s loyalty to a chief’s son but not this childish impulsiveness.

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With the sentries, there are five (maybe six if you include the 'chief's son') referred to in this opening, too many people to pin down in such a short amount of time. It comes across as info-dumpish. I think you may need to take a step back and not worry so much about a hook. This is too confusing as it is.

But then again, the sample may be too small to make a fair determination.

Impossible to know from such a small sample but I suspect this isn't what you want to open with. This feels like it should be the second sentence. The opening sentence by itself makes me go huh? Perhaps showing his mad dash first.
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Okay, I can see where I goofed on this and should've put in the source of the shadows, mainly the larger moon. What an obvious flub.
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quote:
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He tried to relax after that mad sprint across the clearing and knew he must be gone before the smaller moon enhanced her sister’s glow.
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A bit too wordy. I believe you should place a peroid after clearing then reword the confusing second half of the sentence. I am assuming the smaller moon (there are two, correct) is behind a cloud. The fact I need to guess is a concern.
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Yes it does need to be split. The importance of the two moons comes out after the first 13. I never thought about the smaller moon being behind a cloud. It just hasn't risen yet to brighten the clearing and make it harder for Jeram to leave later on.
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quote:
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A sentry’s laughter split the quiet, and Jeram winced when his head banged the wall.
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Probably need to spilt this sentence in half, too. Not sure if the 'his' in Jeram winced when his head is. The sentry or Jeram?
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Amazing how I thought it was evident that Jeram banged his head from jerking in reaction to the sentry's laughter. I thought it added some drama to the situation.
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quote:
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He strained to hear anything more from the sentries posted at the Pavilion’s back and front entrances with the forest sounds his only response.
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Cut 'with' and replace with a peroid. It confuses what you are trying to say. In fact, I would cut the rest.
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I thought about doing that too, but another reader thought the Pavilion was in a village or a populated area. That's why I mentioned the forest. I, too, had left it out in an earlier draft. That the Pavilion is in an isolated location does come out later. So maybe it would be all right to leave that out at this point in the story?
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quote:
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Maybe Lynay was right to try and keep him home, but Toka’s possible exile made sneaking into a tribal council meeting worth the risk. Jeram snatched up his waning courage and moved on. No doubt Father would approve of Jeram’s loyalty to a chief’s son but not this childish impulsiveness.
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With the sentries, there are five (maybe six if you include the 'chief's son') referred to in this opening, too many people to pin down in such a short amount of time. It comes across as info-dumpish. I think you may need to take a step back and not worry so much about a hook. This is too confusing as it is.
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The sentries are window dressing and guarding against unwanted intruders that might do exactly what Jeram is doing. They are strictly an obstacle he must overcome to sneak inside the Pavilion where the meeting is taking place.

Naturally, since he's nervous about doing this at all, Jeram's mind is racing over why he's there and what could happen if anyone finds out about it... mainly his immediate family. This is something I added to make Jeram more believable because one of my crits said that "Jeram has less substance than a soap bubble.". AND everyone that's mentioned plays a part later on in the story. Though Jeram's father is never seen, he has a big influence in Jeram's life, and Jeram has the highest respect for his father.
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Maybe next time.

Thanks again .

And Snapper; Don't ask me why but you've always been a favorite of mine here on Hatrack. I just couldn't resist the tease .