posted
I haven't been in F&F for awhile, so please forgive my absence. This is either the start of a 350 word flash or a full on short story/novelette. I haven't quite figured that out yet. If anyone wants to see the full flash version, I'll be happy to send it to see if you think it feels complete.
Any and all comments are welcome.
quote:Kira hid under the covers.
The wind outside blustered and blew, bouts of pouring rain pelted the windows; then silence until the next dark cloud passed over in the night sky. This was not what scared Kira.
Suddenly the sky rumbled long and loud, the vibrations shaking the walls and her bed. The glass in the window rattled as if it were near its breaking point. Then the air screeched and it sounded like the great machines were going to fall out of the sky, through her roof. This was what scared her.
When the wind blows wrong the airplanes take off, instead of over the ocean where they can do no harm, directly over Kira's house. With the way they roar and scream she is sure that one will crash into her home. She is sure every time this happens, and she is terrified.
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited November 12, 2010).]
posted
This one didn't quite resonate with me. I suppose the situation, to me, seems mundane. It struck me as YA upon first reading. The last Paragraph only served to throw me off course. "Wind wrong" makes me think magic, but that never seemed evident. I was left feeling unattached to MC and longing for speculative and/or conflict.
I am gonna call "false start". I think the story either doesn't start here or POV needs to be strengthened to prove to the reader that it does.
Sorry if I am sounding harsh...just familiar with your other work and understand your potential.
"This is not what scared Kira" feels like a device.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited November 12, 2010).]
posted
On second look, I feel its the POV. (His just feels like the elements are looking in on her not her looking fearing them. Don't tell us what she doesn't fear. Show us how she is afraid or what she fears.
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posted
BT - I was going for a little different voice on this one, a bit more of a told story. I can see how it might be seen as distant. I'm just trying something different.
ME - I'll work on my wording for clarity, but I meant that the bouts of rain weren't just one big storm. Sort of like when a big cloud shows up, it rains, moves on and it's quiet until the next big cloud appears and it rains some more. It's a common pattern here in LA. And for once, I'm writing a story set in the real world, and yes, I'm using my own backyard.
Thank you both for commenting. I really appreciate the input.
posted
My 2c. I liked much of this. The refrain didn't work for me, though, partly because of the order in which the events are given in conjunction with the mixture of past tense and narrative present tense (incorrectly done, I think).
She hid under the blankets. (She's scared, now.)
The wind blustered. (This didn't scare her)
Suddenly (which implies this happened "now" after she had hidden under the covers) the sky rumbled. (Refrain: this scared her)
Whenever airplanes take off overhead (indefinite time)...this is what really scares her; she "is terrified."
If you want to keep the present order of events, it would help to adjust the tense use a bit.
Kira hides under the covers, sometimes. (Now we won't be surprised by subsequent tense changes.)
When[Whenever] the wind blew wrong, the airplanes took off, instead of over the ocean where they could do no harm, directly over Kira's house. With the way they roared and screamed she was sure that one would crash into her home. She was sure every time that happened, and she was terrified.
I think the last paragraph is a little awkward. Going back to your original wording, I suggest something like:
When[ever] the wind blows wrong, the airplanes take off directly over Kira's house, instead of over the ocean where they can do no harm. The way they roar and scream, she is sure that one will crash into her home. She is sure every time that happens, and she is terrified.
[Or if you want a threepeat of the refrain: ...She is sure every time that happens, and she is [i]really[i/] scared]
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