posted
This is the first 13 to a short story I just finished today. The title is still in working. I'm also looking for readers if anyone would like to take a look at it, whether its a full on critique or a glance to say if you even liked it at all. The story is 4,500 words. Thanks!
If there was ever a time to be anxious, excited, worried or frightened, that time was now for Grace Evensdale. And that’s exactly how she felt as the pool of different emotions swelled within her. But that’s normal for everyone in her situation. In fact, Grace’s sister Jade was even feeling a bit uneasy. They stood in the long line of coming of age teenagers, waiting for their turn. The sound of chattering filled the worn down, tattered street that lay outside their town. It was only visited one day a year, and that day was today.
Grace grabbed her sister’s arm and unknowingly squeezed it, digging her fingernail into the cool flesh. “Ouch Grace! Watch what you’re doing, if you don’t watch it I’ll squeeze you through those bars up ahead,” said Jade.
posted
I couldn't get into it at all. Your whole first paragraph told me that Grace Evensdale is in a line and is excited, worried, and frightened. You did say it's a long line, so I know that she'll be emotional for awhile. I don't know who she is, or why she's feeling that way. Instead of telling me just how strong her feelings are and how important today is, show me. I recommend cutting the paragraph, and jumping to the dialogue or some action. I'm sure you have an interesting story. Hook me into it!
Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
The intro is based on withholding elements from the reader. The characters know why they are tense, so, as a reader I am unhappy with the false tension you are trying to create.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
First, you're backing away and TELLING us what the characters feel, with phrasing like "And that’s exactly how she felt as the pool of different emotions swelled within her. But that’s normal for everyone in her situation." Why is it normal? How does she know this??
Second, it's unclear whose POV this is -- it kinda skips from one sister to the other and back, with this: "In fact, Grace’s sister Jade was even feeling a bit uneasy."
Also "In fact" is needless here; it should generally be reserved for contrast rather than used as affirmation.
I think the concept might not be bad (teens get something of uncertain merit inflicted on them as a coming of age ritual??), but it's hard to see amidst the clutter.
Try starting with whatever actually happens to them during this coming-of-age thing, rather than the waiting in line part (this is analogous to the hoary "waking up in a blank room" trope), and see if that gets into the story itself better. The title implies that whatever it is, it's something drastic.
posted
I don't mind the withholding of information from the reader, but I don't like it when the character knows something and I don't. Especially this early (opening 13) of a story. As a reader, I feel like I am being deceived.
I think the story needs to start someplace else or someway else.
posted
I agree with previous posters - you seem to be trying hard not to tell us something. It's annoying, because I wanted to have some idea where the story was going.
The hookiest thing you have going for you is the current title. After that I was a little curious about why a street on the edge of town is only visited one day a year. Odd.
You also need to try to write more compactly. The first paragraph comes down to Grace, feeling anxious, excited, worried and frightened, is in line with her sister and other coming of age teenagers on a rundown street at the edge of town. You probably need half the space to say all that.
Also, try illustrating how she feels (as when she dug her fingernail in her sister's arm) rather than just listing the emotions - it would help tie the reader in more.
quote:I don't mind the withholding of information from the reader, but I don't like it when the character knows something and I don't.
That is the only type of withholding worth noting.
An author knows everything about the story, but reveals details as required to the reader (i.e. who the murderer is)--this happens in every story, because the author knows exactly what is going to happen next--if the POV character knows something important then so should the reader. If everyone knows except the reader that is withholding.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 07, 2011).]
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