posted
Zath crawled out of the lake shaking with shock and cold. His coverall’s flotation insets rapidly deflated, and his clothes dried by the time he’d crawled ten feet, but his hair and skin were wet and the water had been colder than he expected. The outship and everything in it were gone. He was alone. The shore he’d reached consisted of a jumble of large rocks. His footcovers had become shoe-like as he stood up in the water and crawled up the hard rough surface of a slab. They dried rapidly as he laid on a small flat expanse of cool dry rock. To the east, the sun rose over a stretch of beach. He’d landed on the only rocky area within several hundred mekks. It extended out into the lake as a sort of breakwater.
Opening of a 8500 word story. I'd appreciate some feedback ; thanks for looking at it.
posted
I really like your writing style - a little Hemingwayesque.
The first suggestion I would make is to limit your use of the word "had" and its contraction. That word puts distance between the reader and what is happening. Definitely use it when referring to the more distant past, but if you can avoid using it for what is happening now, it will make your story more immediate.
Second, I would say the "hook" is a little weak. I would continue reading due to your writing stye, but I would want to know where the story is going soon. This can probably be easily resolved with a simple sentence like: There was only an hour left before the rocket launched (or) whatever is going to be the main conflict of the story.
FYI, if you do make any changes, it is beneficial to edit your post and put the new version directly below the original version and designate which is which.
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited January 21, 2011).]
posted
Thanks folks. Philo is right; I am reducing my accessory verbs a tad, and only using them when I want to indicate things a bit further in the past. I'll have to think about the crawling; I'm picturing a breakwater extending into the water made of big chunks of rock that also line the adjacent shore, so that when you wade up to the rocks in the water you have to climb out over the slabs. Familiar to me, but apparently not to others. Some stories I want to write don't have an action-packed hook because they unfold from an event in what I hope is an interesting way, but don't generate the suspense of alien vampires hiding under the bed or the action of a star wars scenario. This is a serious problem because I clearly DO need to get people to read a couple of pages. In Among the Mud Hens, our boy Zath's ship has just dissolved in Lake Erie, and he's been cast away on a stone jetty at Cedar Point Amusement Park near beautiful Toledo. I toyed with the idea of starting something like this:
A blinding ball of flame shot across the night sky and was gone. Bernie Bftspk sat bolt upright in bed, shaking in terror. 'Holy ****, Irene, I think the river's on fire again.' Irene groaned.'Dammit, Bernie, you know that can't happen no more. They treat it with chemicals. Go back to sleep.' Bernie peered out into the blackness, but there was nothing there. 'Goodnight, Irene', he mumbled.
posted
Zath has lost everything except his clothes (which are talented). He is reasonably sure that there are other aliens living on earth, and he has to locate them. His evolving situation is meant to be amusing rather than grim, although he seriously fears for his life at first. It's relatively easy for me to write a decent hook for a story that is based on potentially deadly action or suspense, because conflict can be established. Other kinds of stories are giving me a problem, and I like to write stuff with a satirical edge.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
I "read" your opening without the "had" words, and the clothes do present a hook. Consider:
quote:Zath crawled out of the lake, shaking with shock and cold. His coverall’s flotation insets rapidly deflated, and his clothes dried [in seconds], but his hair and [exposed] skin were [still] wet [and the water had been colder than he expected]-[consider omitting]. The outship and everything in it were gone. He was alone. The shore [omitted] consisted of a jumble of large rocks. His footcovers [What were they before - flippers?]became shoe-like as he [scaled]-(?) the first slab. They dried rapidly as he [lay] on a [omitted] flat expanse of [omitted] rock. To the east, the sun rose over a stretch of beach. [That was where the beam, which destroyed his vessel, originated]....
I didn't mean to rewrite this for you. Please only consider this as an example. As I was trying to make a suggestion regarding the hook, I found other areas that were slightly problematic: -You used a form of the word "crawl" three times in only a few sentences - try finding other more specific verbs. -Limit the use of multiple adjectives - "hard rough surface", "small flat expanse", "cool dry rock" -What were the "footcovers" before becoming shoe-like - flippers maybe? -The part where "...and the water had been colder than he expected." doesn't add anything to the narrative. The first sentence established that he was cold, and this clause doesn't seem to go anywhere.
I hope my suggestions will be helpful to you, or at least thought provoking.
posted
Thanks for the suggestions. Please don't ever worry about rewriting anything I post here; I'm doing this to get better, and my massive ego can take criticism without deflating. (Weeps silently.) I think what you said is quite useful. BTW, I see the crash caused by a lax maintenance schedule or driver error rather than an energy beam weapon.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, we try not to encourage "rewriting" someone's work, because then it runs the risk of becoming someone else's work.
Please be careful to do as philocinemas has done and include lots of disclaimers and clearly indicate that this is just an example of what you are suggesting the author could try. Thanks.
posted
The problem may be that you are starting in the wrong place. It seems everything is going back to the boat that he wrecks. Are you planning on explaining this? If you are, how? Try to avoid indepth flashbacks too early in the story. It also seems that he is remaining an isolated character for some time. This doesn't give you opportunity for much dialogue in first few pages. Dialogue is very useful in establishing reader empathy with a character.
Consider this:
You may want to more soundly establish that he's an alien from the beginning. Show his unfamiliarity with the controls of the boat, etc.
Is he alone from the very beginning or is he part of a larger group? - possibly someone he can communicate with from the boat.
How does he know there are other aliens here? Does he hear transmissions, etc.? Are they from his planet or elsewhere?
You don't have to begin with the boat. Where you have started is fine. However, if the sunken boat is that important, then you may want to begin there. It would possibly give you opportunity to have him either communicate with others or mentally respond to some transmission he is following. I am sensing this is supposed to have a comedic tone, but the opening you have written is not very funny (nor do I think it was meant to be). However, it is very important to establish the overall tone from the very beginning of the story.
If this is an alien who doesn't know how our world works, then show that with him wrecking the boat. He may not know what to call some things, so use brief descriptions that allow the reader to know what it is. This scenario will also allow you to establish his purpose (the other aliens) and provide for internal thoughts - "Zarpluts, it was always the Zarpluts!"
posted
No boat. He's just crashed his one-man ship while trying to land. It immediately becomes clear that he was inward bound and listening to Earth broadcasts relayed by an alien com satellite, but his problem is that he has to get from some point outside Toledo, Ohio to somewhere where he can make contact with a small number of others, and he doesn't know who or where they are. Other people from his culture have been here before, and he's worried about some of the things they reported: cannibals, religious fanatics, Jersey Girls..... I clarify some things over a couple of pages, but what I need to do is get editors to read past the first few paras. Also, I need somebody interested in satirical humor. One of the things I like about SF is the chance to look at earth-human civilization and behavior from an outside perspective. (This from a very hard-technology type person).
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2011
| IP: Logged |
posted
Okay. I see a real simple fix. Start with an opening sentence like: "The last sign of the spaceship disappeared below the blue surface of the water." This tells the reader that Zath just "landed".
Does he look like us? You mention hair and skin - if he doesn't, this is where you can specify - blue hair, markings (tatoos) - he might actually fit right in looking like that. You need to find something to establish the satirical tone you intend to have later in the story.
After "To the east, the sun rose over a stretch of beach." you can comment to that being where the transmission originated or about the aliens (still not clear whether or not they are his own kind). There needs to be something that makes the reader want to find out what happens next.
I hope others will feel free to comment on your opening. I am only giving you my opinion. Others may feel the first opening is fine as it is. Please consider everyone's opinion and then make a decision based on your own gut.
Your first line has a misplaced modifier. As it stands, the lake is shaking with shock and cold. The modifier needs to be as close to what is being modified as possible to avoid confusion.
This has been an English Teacher Alert. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
