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Author Topic: Voices-working title- first 13
OlsenOlsen
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He never thought to find himself sitting below the water for so long, or if anything, longer than that last time he dunked his head below. It became an addiction for Jeremy Fodler, and well, it became a life within death.
It was a Saturday morning. No work, no meetings, no pretentious schedule that bound him to a day of tedious doings. Normally Jeremy would have hopped into the shower, but when he saw the antique bath sitting in the lonely corner, how could he help but feel the need to sit back and relax in the warm embellishment of water? He had yet to bathe in it since he moved in, and so he did.
Jeremy’s skin, cold like morning, stung as the first touch of skin embraced the steaming water. Elation took its effect

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Wordcaster
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quote:
He never thought to find himself sitting below the water for so long, or if anything, longer than that last time he dunked his head below. It became an addiction for Jeremy Fodler, and well, it became a life within death.

It was a Saturday morning. No work, no meetings, no pretentious schedule that bound him to a day of tedious doings. Normally Jeremy would have hopped into the shower, but when he saw the antique bath sitting in the lonely corner, how could he help but feel the need to sit back and relax in the warm embellishment of water? He had yet to bathe in it since he moved in, and so he did.

Jeremy’s skin, cold like morning, stung as the first touch of skin embraced the steaming water. Elation took its effect


I must admit that I am a little confused. Does the second paragraph start chronologically before the first paragraph?

First sentence, do you mean, "He never thought he'd find..."?

2nd paragraph: "no pretentious schedule that bound him to a day of tedious doings" This isn't hitting home with me. I'm not really sure what a pretentious schedule is, but it could be my own ignorance.

2nd paragraph: "...warm embellishment of water..." once again, I'm not sure what an embellishment of water means. Is embellishment the word you mean?

Overall, I can see a narrative voice in there and the pacing seems pretty good. I'm a little intrigued with the idea of him possibly breathing underwater (or at least a talent for holding his breath!)


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redux
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I like the voice and pacing, but like Wordcaster, found certain phrases confusing.

I am not sure what kind of images are supposed to be evoked by "pretentious schedule" or "embellishment of water." The florid language seems muddled.

I had some difficulty with this sentence:

quote:
Jeremy’s skin, cold like morning, stung as the first touch of skin embraced the steaming water.

Having lived in both cold and warm climates, "cold like morning" is lost on me since the default setting in my head immediately asks - not all mornings are necessarily cold, so why would his skin be cold like morning? But that could just be my own quirk. Also, the use of "stung" to describe how the water feels, which is a forceful verb, followed by the softer "enveloped" sounds jarring in my head.

Finally, since it turns out he is sitting in a tub, I found the following description difficult to picture:

quote:
He never thought to find himself sitting below the water for so long...

How deep is the tub? A person can slide onto their back beneath the water, or sit and while facing forward dunk their head beneath water, but I can't picture sitting and the water level being above one's head.

Content-wise, I am interested in finding out why this normal seeming individual can hold their breath for so long.


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Reziac
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Agree with the other posters' confusion... but for what it's worth, the picture I got from the first paragraph is that the character is addicted to the near-death experience of drowning!


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OlsenOlsen
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Thank you so much for your responses, I knew I would get some feedback on some of the words I used. They simply were the first words that popped up in my head, and after I typed them down and looked them up, they worked in a way. I also found they may have worked against my piece

Anyway, there isn't a whole lot of change here... but some.

He never thought to find himself lying below the water for so long, or if anything, longer than that last time he dunked his head below. It became an addiction for Jeremy Fodler, and well, it became a life within death.
It was a Saturday morning. No work, no meetings, no strict schedule that bound him to a day of tedious doings. Normally Jeremy would have hopped into the shower, but when he saw the antique bath sitting in the lonely corner, how could he help but feel the need to sit back and relax in the warm water? He had yet to bathe in it since he moved in, and so he did.
Jeremy’s skin, cold like morning, tingled as the first touch of skin embraced the steaming water.


First off, does anyone think I should start it like...

He never thought to find his head below the water for so long, or if anything, longer than the last time he tried it.

or..

He never thought to find his head below the water for so long, or if anything, longer than the last time he dunked his head below. (this may be too repetitive)

or..

He never thought to find his head below the water for so long, or if anything, longer than the last time he forced his head below.


I changed sitting to lying... Any better? I changed pretentious to strict... and I took embellishment out all together. I left cold like morning though... I would like some more feedback, maybe from others as well!

Lastly, Wordcaster, you were right about the chronological order of the paragraphs! Thanks again.


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EVOC
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I agree with the other feedback.

How about this opening:

He never thought to find his head below water for so long, atleast not longer than the last time he forced his head under.

I would use more description in "cold like morning"

Cold like winter morning???

Being from sunny California, cold like morning doesn't give me a good picture.


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Wordcaster
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I'd even start a little earlier...

"Jeremy rested in the warm water of his antique bath and with one final gasp of air, he submerged his head underwater."

Then you can jump into his thoughts and feelings.
How did the water feel on his face?
What raced through his mind?
Did it build a sense of euphoria or panic?
Did his lungs burn?

The time shift that you had made me reread the first paragraph to understand it.


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cborgia
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I'm with Wordcaster's last post. Unless there is some reason to use the construct that would be immediately apparent (as in the next 2 paras), I think a phrasing that didn't require the character to 'find his head' would be better. I don't usually need to look for mine, even when I bathe. Is his detachable? You did succeed in making me curious about his bathtub needs; if he's an amphibian I salute you for not having named him 'Gil'.
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Smiley
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Sounds like he gets his jollies from near drowning experiences. Can that be right?
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melindabrasher
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I thought the first sentence was very awkward/confusing.

I, however, like "pretentious schedule." Goes along with useless meetings, penciling people in, having your people talk to my people, teleconferences, collaborative efforst, and ridiculous corporate job titles. I once worked at a graduate school with a faculty member who was the "vice president of the global mindset." I bet he had a pretentious schedule.

The liking to almost drown himself is intriguing.


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