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Author Topic: The Spiral Shifted
MonaLisaClaire
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The men were walking their beasts of burden, trudging forward, dragging the creatures by the reins in search of someplace safe enough to set up camp--or better yet, a homestead. Their land had been ravaged, every town and viliage was desolate and in ashes. For 7 months 9 beasts had carried 9 women, all with child. And as the men and beasts grew weary, even more so did the pregnant women. Scattered throughout the caravan were children and teenagers playing and trying to help their ashen mothers and sisters. One tall young man, close to 17 years old with dark spiky hair, kept repeating to his sister "Its just over that hill, Rebecca, I have a feeling." Every man, woman and child was exhuasted: body, mind, and spirit. But as they approached the town they saw graves. Shallow, fresh graves.


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Wordcaster
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A few crits on this:

First the good: your writing is clear and it seems to have a good flow to it.

And my crits: this can be classified as an info-dump. A history of how they got there should not be introduced at the beginning. It's best to give it in pieces, and if it must come as a whole, it should come later in the story.

Also, there are "rules" for when to spell out numbers and when to write the actual number. Perhaps someone will share a link. It should be seven, not 7.

I also notice a few nits (it's not "its") and also a couple of sentences start with conjunctions -- perfectly acceptable in writing, but in my mind should be done sparingly (just make sure it is not a trending pattern throughout).

But crits aside, the writing is not too shabby and that's the important part.


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Crank
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With the exception of a few typos/spelling gaffs and the numbers rule violations, I thought this intro painted a good picture of a grueling exodus. And, on that note, the word choice that threw it off for me was: "...were children and teenagers playing and trying to help..." 'Playing' doesn't match the rest of the tone set in your descriptions.

A good start. Keep at it.

S!
S!


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babooher
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Anything 10 and under should be spelled. Hyphenate 17-year-old.

I think you could move a few things around. I would invert just about the whole paragraph. The last two sentences (or last sentence and fragment) would serve as a good first line hook. You would then directly introduce your characters Rebecca and her brother (who I think should be named if they are the main protagonists) and then dump your info.


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MonaLisaClaire
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--I only used #s in order to get the shallow graves into the 13th line.

--My apologies for the mistakes: I had not used a word processor or really carefully edited the spelling/punctuation yet.

--I will consider starting the first line with the graves, but I think it better to lead to the graves and have it leave you with a hollow feeling at the end of that first paragraph.

--The children playing was intentional, children play, no matter the circumstances. They still find little games. They are there, they are the one bit of normal left in the caravan.


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EVOC
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Yea I got the feeling of a bit of "info-dumping" as well. I think it would be better to get the action going and then explain later.

quote:
The last two sentences (or last sentence and fragment) would serve as a good first line hook. You would then directly introduce your characters Rebecca and her brother (who I think should be named if they are the main protagonists) and then dump your info.

I agree but wait for the info dump until after the first 13.

I also have a habit of using numbers, rather then writing it out when I am in the middle of setting my keyboard ablaze with the fury of telling the story. Easy fix in editing.


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Grayson Morris
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An interesting premise, and I'd read on to find out more. You've already gotten some good advice on sticky points in the writing, so I'll just add this:

Try not to defend yourself when you ask for critiques. You won't be there to explain your choices to the reader who buys your book, so take this opportunity to get a sneak peek into the reader's mind and see how *they* experience your story. As with all advice, you can take what works for you and leave the rest, but try not to respond to the people kind enough to provide the critique you've asked for by telling them why they're wrong. In one very important sense, they're the only ones who are right: they are the virgin reader of your story, and whatever you intended to convey, if the feedback tells you the reader came away with something else, well, then, your story conveyed THAT thing. :-)


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philocinemas
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I like the mood of this; however, you may want to consider being more character-centered. You have not established a POV, which is one of the most important aspects of reader empathy. I have seen plenty of stories that don't establish POVs early, but these are often by established writers (unfortunately, there exists a double-standard, but it is a matter of trust on the behalf of editors).

The reason for the "first 13 rules" is to hook the editor ASAP (most readers have a little more sufferance than that). Numbers are just like words, if they don't fit, then try something different. If you try to get this published by sending it to a magazine, which receives hundreds of entries monthly, many will not read further if they lose confidence early on in the story. This is not personal - I do not know you to make this personal. It is simply how things are. Please take this as that.

One nit not mentioned - I do not know of any way to determine if a grave is shallow, unless there is a body part prodruding to the surface. A description of that would be much more profound than stating "Shallow, fresh graves."


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Josephine Kait
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I like your title. I like your tone and I am interested in where you are going with this.

The thing with the number format has been addressed, and I won’t rehash. I have to wonder though if we really need that information just yet. What about the pregnant women is most important? It can be as simple as that they are the hope for the next generation, or something mystical, but it matters. This early in the story it matters more than how many of them there are.

I understand the pain of trying to impart all of what you want to, in a measly 13 lines. Finding better ways to do it is what we are all trying for here. In the first thirteen every word is sitting on prime real estate, make them count. When you say “all with child” and “pregnant women” you are essentially saying the same thing and using up space that you can use to say something else that you want to convey. (BTW, I felt the need to defend the first 13 that I posted here too, and received much the same response about how to take criticism. )

I would also question the significance of stating that the tall young man is “close to 17”. If he is on the cusp of manhood, say that. If he has recently been given a level of responsibility or given it early, express that. For our culture with “adulthood” established as 18, 17 means a specific thing. But for cultures that use a word like “homestead” the age of maturity might be much sooner.

As to your response about children playing, yes children play no matter what, but usually it is young children who do that. Teenagers in our society may be immature, but those who have lost their homes, had to trudge across empty barren countryside, and end up someplace with fresh graves apparent are unlikely to retain such cavalier innocence. One way that you could do what I think you are trying to do is to say something along the lines of, “Throughout the caravan the children played undaunted, yet even their innocent laughter failed to lift the spirits of their ashen mothers and sisters.”

A place where I would add numbers would be the graves. Are there a pair, a dozen, dozens, hundreds, more than the eye could see, stretching to the horizon, lining the road into town, or one mass grave with limbs poking out? (sorry, euww!) <shudders> Okay, maybe that was overdoing a bit…

Good luck with this and don’t be overwhelmed by the comments/criticism. It is a good sign that so many people found it interesting enough to comment on. Welcome to Hatrack!


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